080113

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

okay, okay, guys, stop

listen.

i'm the biggest problem in this system, i know this.

i don't think i'm capable of functioning anymore.

i can't front. i don't seem capable of making choices that don't hurt people.

you guys just... take over from now on.

i said i was done.

i meant it.


i won't fight back if you find me.

 

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@ 05:03 pm

 

 

I've had this lying around for a while, and since I no longer have compartmentalized blogs to post surveys only in, I'll put it here.
Today's been odd. I woke up happy, even with troubles around me. Then I tried to socialize, and within an hour, my energy was gone. Is that something wrong with me, that I get so tired from trying to talk and "mingle with people" like my family says I should?
I try not to feel bad about it, spiritual people don't do that. But then I wonder, "am I ignoring some inherent, harmful flaw in myself, justifying it with the nonsense phrase of "do what feels right to you?" Would the correct, spiritual thing to do, be to force myself to socialize anyway, and damn the psychological stress? Everyone knows it's fake anyway, right?
I don't want to think. I feel like vomiting. I'm tired, and it's only 5PM. I want to sleep so badly.
Maybe I can exercise. Have to be careful though, exercise hacks were back yesterday. Not good.
But I've abandoned that world, so if I stay away from any triggers, I should be good.
"It's gone forever, and I don't care about it anymore."
A good lesson.


I'm not sure what mindset I should follow to complete this.
1. Happy, "everything is perfect and nothing hurts" mode, but no depth;
2. Logical, "detached" mode, but no emotions or preferences;
3. Current empty, "realistic" mode, but no forced optimism.
Sometimes I answer questions depending on what I feel the "appropriate" or "correct" answer would be. And when I reply, that is true. But is it always true?
That is the problem with self-analysis. It requires you to have a self to analyze.

Perhaps I should answer each question three times. We'll see.
Survey time.


1. Who are you?
Logically, intellectually, I know I am nothing; just a "spark of the Creator" existing in a physical form for some time, although I currently do not know why I "chose to incarnate here."
The "happy person" would choose to stick with an identity. But all identities are false. Everything is a dream, a game, a joke. Ultimately there is nothing.
So, when you ask "who are you," I would point out the fallacy of the question.

2. What are you passionate about?
I am not. "Passion" is not something I experience. Emotions in general baffle me. To cling so strongly to an emotion as to believe in it, and experience it to such a foolhardy extent... it's utterly incomprehensible. What is an "emotion?"
Dimly, another used to be "passionate" about creative endeavors in the past, at least that is what I am told. It's an empty fact, worn-out and rather dated, to the point where people sigh upon hearing it again. It has become a sort of myth in this age. Was it ever true to begin with? Or is it an invented truth?
In any case, there is no passion here. There is simply existence, quietly, and without "emotions."

3. What are the achievements you are most proud of?
Again, I am not. Nor am I responsible for any "achievements." Will the survey continue in this way? I am rather disappointed in the current question lineup.

4. What are you most grateful for in life?
I would prefer that someone else answer these questions. I am literally incapable of giving a suitable response.

5. What are the most important things to you in life?
These questions are utterly foolish, I apologize.