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[prismaticbleed]

 

 

I feel I have no better option than to try and get therapy again now.

I won't whine again. I'm just having a very hard time admitting that "yes these concerns are severely interfering with my daily life" instead of saying "my experiences aren't real, I'm not really suffering, it's all in my head, stop being a burden." So therapy's been put on hold for a while.

Despite that I am desperate right now. I saw way too much blood today and I am tired of having to face this over and over again, and repeatedly refusing to accept it as a legitimate concern.

I'll try to find a local psychologist tomorrow. I don't know what else to do.

 

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I'm looking for local therapists online and all of a sudden I stumble across the criteria for BPD.
I didn't think much of it until I saw the criteria list.

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Let's go down the list one at a time, shall we?

1. I will vehemently deny this whenever I am asked. As far as I am concerned, I do not care about relationships. However, take a look at that idiotic meltdown I had when my last two friendships were cut off. I don't know, this one I can't be sure on but someone else might have a better view on it.
2. All the freaking time. This drives me up the wall but it happens.
3. YES.
4. Everything except substance abuse solely because I have no access to it, to be blunt.
5. More often than I can deal with.
6. Yes. This one is probably the most annoying, and the biggest factor in "am I really just faking this??" because of its short-lived intensity.
7. OBVIOUSLY.
8. I get this a lot, actually. I've learned to bottle it up, but if it doesn't ultimately externalize as self-abuse, I have been known to break things or attack people. This one causes me a lot of pain.
9. I don't think so? When I was younger I was REALLY paranoid but I think that stopped a few years ago.


I also came across these additional symptoms which are FRIGHTENINGLY accurate, for obvious reasons:

- People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
- They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
- They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
- Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
- Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.
- Splitting: the self and others are viewed as “all good” or “all bad.” Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, “One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn’t understand the concept of middle ground.”
- Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
- Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
- Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
- Feeling of “needing” someone else to survive
- Heavy need for affection and reassurance

Once again I can't say for sure whether or not I have the non-bolded items there because they all focus around relationships and you know how twisted I get in respect to those. Even if I DO spend a ridiculous amount of time saying how much I'd "like a close friend" or something like that, I spend just as much time saying how much I "can't stand close relationships" and whenever I DO get a close friend, I shove them out of my life and continue whining.
Regardless that "object constancy" bit scared me when I read it. I didn't know that was a thing, I thought it was just another stupid fake problem that I had.

Anyway now I'm feeling like an absolute idiot because those are criteria??? What the heck!! I'm sick of not knowing what diagnosis I actually have because no one can seem to get a clear picture, and my view of reality is apparently so skewed that I can't give a reliable self-report. And I'm sick of HAVING CRITERIA. It actually ticks me off when I show actual diagnostic symptoms. Yes, I definitely need help, but if I won't admit that aloud and repeatedly dismiss even my bloody-murder meltdowns as "fake" and "imaginary," despite the cuts and bruises up and down my body, then I'm not going to get very far in the help department.

I just want to get a SOLID DIAGNOSIS from someone who DOESN'T CONSIDER THIS FAKE (like I do) so that I can finally GET HELP for this absolutely insane life I'm dragging myself through lately.

Why in the world is this getting so much worse?? Is it because I never got treatment for it? Is that what I have to do now? "Kid, you really can't ignore this, it needs to be taken care of, so we're going to make it impossible to ignore until you get off your ass and get help!!" That's what it feels like at least. I hope that's it.
I hope it's not simply that I'm too lost and corrupt to just let go of all this idiocy. Don't know why I still think that, I know it's moronic, but hey, there it is.

I need to stop talking, talking hurts, I don't like being online, I need to sleep.