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prismaticbleedI said man, can you help me out?
Bring me back to love
Bring me back to life
Oh why should I care?
I said how, could you keep me out?
Without a wish to share
So without a doubt
Oh then why should I care?
We have been warned
It's a classic sign
It's a wicked mind
With an axe to grind
When is it our, our turn?
So why should we care?
Yeah we have been warned
It's a classic sign
Why should we care?
If this is our last summer
Oh then why should we care?
If this could be our last summer
Then why should we care?
Hey, good morning, huh?
Got me some Johnny icons! Pretty darn awesome.
...Aha, and I got it to stop double-spacing. Good. Now for my first real update here!
But seriously, I'm very glad I have this journal, and I'm really looking forward to using it. I really didn't have any place online where I could write about anything until I found this place, so that's a big plus.
Secondly there's 100 userpic slots. Brilliant! Fire up the scanner, Johnny, we're going comic crazy!
Anyway, before I get all distracted and confused again--about the icon, and this entry!
Well.
I've been awake since 9AM yesterday morning.
That's right, spinny's been up for 24 solid hours and I'm just starting to get tired. I blame Johnny. Sorry hon.
But honestly, I've been working on college forms and term papers and music projects and art projects and all that... eh... hence Johnny's "meh" face up top. Not energetic enough to grin, not worn-out enough for the disgusted face. That one's genius.
Indeed. It's overcast outside, and I'm still looking for a gorgeously optimistic enough photo for my Wordpress account... hm... I'll find one. Give me a minute.
...
All right now for the serious stuff.
The lyrics... well, this is actually my first time hearing this song, and The Doves always write such beautiful melodies that I was compelled to hunt down the words to match. So I did, and that's what they are, up top.
I stuck 'em there because they kind of resonate with me today, somehow.
I need a lot of help right now. I'm lost and confused, and half the time I'm not sure of who I really am.
I love the world so much, every soul that ever lived... but I heard someone say, "you can't truly love anyone else unless you can truly love yourself." And that's NOT Selph with a "ph", mind you!
So I need to 'bring myself back to love'; to learn how to really, truly, unconditionally, love myself for who I am, regardless of my faults.
It's cruelly hard. Ironic. But that's life, you know.
And I need to get back to that, too. I've been falling out of it so fast...!
But why do I care?
Could you keep me out.... out of what? Out of the deep, dark chasm of destruction and doom I've been dancing around for years? Self-loathing? Worthlessness? Distraction? Depression?
Sure, keep me out, please...
I don't have a wish to share, no. They've all been shared already.
Without a doubt, that's me, trusting to a fault...
Why, indeed, should I care?
I've been warned-- by Selph, by Chaos, by everyone... to stay away from the wicked minds, from my second headvoice when she has her axe.
One day it really will be my turn to burn out, to collapse, to die... so why do I care?
If this is my last summer, then why do I care?
I'll tell you why.
Because I have too freaking much to do while I'm here.
I have too many people who look up to me, who count on me, who have been inspired by me, who have been changed by me, who love me.
To stop caring... to practically shout "here, watch as I take away that life that meant so much to all of you" as I pull the trigger?
Never! Not on my watch, not as long as I'm living this life!
You think that the only thing keeping this reality from collapsing is my awareness of it?
What do you think?
You know, the idea that a thing exists solely to be the anchor-point for all known things.
The old thing about what happens to the world when you close your eyes!
...Does the light even exist anymore when the refrigerator door is shut?
Good old Johnny boy...
...I don't know. I just feel that I'm here for a very big reason, as long as I keep up the strength and determination and faith to carry through with it-- which I'm sure going to try to do! But... I do feel that I'm supposed to change some part of this world, majorly, for the better, for a long time... I hope. Oh do I ever hope.
Well, spinnys' getting pretty freaking exhausted here. I don't want to rant any more right now, as I'd rather dream and maybe go lucid... gotta find Psyche and ask him how the fabric designs on his legs look. Can't see them remotely at the moment... eh. Oh well. I'll bump into him eventually, if I don't remember first.
So, with that, I'll close up this semi-lengthy entry and then I'm off to Nightopia or wherever my mind decides to warp off to... uh... this morning. Gosh I was about to say tonight. Crazyhead.
Aaand before I get all distracted as usual I'm honestly going to end this thing.
See you kids later! And you get some sleep too!
-spinny c.
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Because it lasted from one morning to the next! Thank you Golding. Geez.
...Dang, Johnny's making me want to go outside and do just that. Who the heck cares if it's midnight, I'm gonna go daydream on a car hood. Yeah. That's living the life, right there.
Regardless...
Life... has been kinda seriously funky recently.
No no no, I won't bother you with my workload. You all know how freaking busy Spinny is!
Term papers, finals, homework, tests, music lessons, family responsibilities, college, college loans, college classes, holding a job, getting another one, getting a lawyer, applying for copyrights, working on FL Studio like a manaic, art art art art art, writing writing writing writing writing, and did I mention that term paper?
I need some relaxation time please. Good heavens!
But even so. My real problems as of late... concern my self. My persona. Me.
Am I who I think I am?
Will I ever be who I want to be?
I'm so freaking afraid of being selfish... of being dishonest, apathetic, vicious. It scares me to death on a daily basis, yes sir.
...Viral smiled at me today and said, "I like how you're always so upbeat and energetic even when you're up all night."
Well, that got me grinning again! I'm such a paradoxical optimist.
Sorrow behind a smile, y'know. Eh.
Hm... well, I'm in the middle of a Skype conversation and I get distracted easily, so I'm going to close up abruptly. Yes I am.
Good night!
