040223

[prismaticbleed]

 
945 pm. Hell day. Then this.

Thinking about how God has taken so many things away from me over the years, such as my creative work, my family, my health etc.
Living in so much fear because I felt like, if I said I liked something, He would pointedly destroy it. like He would wait for me to say "thank you" for this lovely thing, "i'm very happy with this," etc. then His response would immediately be "oh well actually..." then smash it to pieces. over and over. do you want that? do you like that? do you enjoy that? sorry, that means it's gotta go! gotta destroy it if you like it!! constantly feeling like He would Purposely make the important things in my life sources of great suffering and stress in comparison.
At the end of it all, He says "you don't need these things! you don't need them, you only need Me, you only need to know Me."
Me, scared, exhausted, saying "I feel like I don't know you?  I feel like I'm so afraid of You taking the people i love and things i value away from me and hurting me. how do I know  Who You are as a person?"
Remembering that The Bible says "He is slow to anger rich and kindness and He is full of love."
Trying to reconcile that with all of the losses and struggles, Realizing He could have done so much worse to me, I deserve so much worse,
Realizing that there's a great mystery in all the things that cause suffering. All of it is still out of love and if I look back I can see that they all somehow worked For some greater spiritual good.

God emphasizing that He is love always 
 All of those things He did were still motivated by love with love as their end goal

Then all of a sudden feeling like God pushed chaos 0 towards me
And said
"I never took him away from you."
"It's been 20 years and I've never taken him away from you, even when you tried to get rid of him yourself.
Do with that realization what you will."

Really wondering about this.