032823

[prismaticbleed]

 

Woke up to phonecall at 10am
Reschedule colonoscopy again, booked out to DECEMBER
GOOD. We don't want to repeat that lowfiber hell anytime soon

Got ready for typical mass at 1130
Realized we really are in brainfog while readying body
Forget every few seconds. Very confused, lack of selfhood
Laurie keeping us on track, bless her

THE READINGS TODAY OH MY WORD.
BRONZE SERPENT & THE EXACT PSALM WE READ YESTERDAY
Mimic upstairs giving me incredulous looks, "wait thats the psalm!" I'm like YEAH MAN IT SURE IS
Total lack of coincidences, it was amazing
Homily very good too. Fr. E has great insights. Focused on "do we understand what Jesus means, when He says these words?" Again hello Mimic

Redners stop to get Powerade (on sale) & triscuits (not anymore sadly)
Blurry. Felt like lots of people milling about? No one in body though
Put gas in car, noticed total socialmode depersonalization. "Number" freakout too. Particular to that certain religious-terror girl

Holy hour & adoration!
Took a bit to get brain in gear, very discombobulated
BUT rosary visuals HIT HARDER than usual. Flinching at them even.
Got guts to kneel AT ALTAR for a minute. Staggering. He's THAT CLOSE.
Could see crucifixion in Host. Felt like an eye or a heart valve. Realized the glory of gold & gems around it EMANATED FROM IT. this humble disc of bread. Left us reeling

Drive home a blur too. Picks up on back street when we put a new Turkish song on; since last night the mood has changed. Fitting actually; past few days were much more stressed. Today is a calmer shift. Don't even feel sick

Prayed before unpacking or anything else
Everyone switching fronting for prayers again. ASTOUNDING how that erases mental overwhelm.
Certain people have favorite prayers already; it's deeply sweet
"Hyperreligious" mode trying to push in?? FELT the brainspace MOVE. Disturbing. Socials are IN THE EYES??? Very up front and focused, small area. Feels shallow, suffocating, tight. But headspace is TANGIBLY WIDE & INSIDE THE SKULL & BEHIND THE EYES. "Self focus" place is completely different.
Also CLAUSTROPHOBIC for socials. Profound panicked emptiness. Feeling the addictions roiling beneath the surface instantly just to cope-- compulsions that DISAPPEAR INSTANTLY when headspace comes back in control. Honestly tragic.

Something with Barry in heartspace?? While we prayed. In light of last night, trying to & wanting to grasp this religious thing.
Something got through. Something about "life vs death" I remember, that applied to HIM moreso than ANY of us.

Julie cutting out homilies from bulletin
Barry very struck by the bit about Lazarus.
Also shocked realizing that some of the people who SAW him be raised from the dead IMMEDIATELY WENT TO REPORT JESUS FOR IT. like the gall of that was insane. "And I would know!"
BTW Barry & Mimic seem to be hitting it off as friends. GOOD.

Wreckage is on triscuit duty
Oh my gosh she moves the body so uniquely. It tugs at my heart, i love feeling fronter differences. She's so blunt almost to the point of clumsiness, if she wasn't so focused and strong. But man the way she uses scissors. And tears boxes apart. Its those claws man. I love her.

Leon egg spill, scalpel reassured "its okay you did nothing wrong"
Leon noting the unusual force of this reaction
Social bleed?
Wreckage asked "wait. are we in danger? Then why was no one called to protect??" Laurie noting differences between inner & outer protectors, soul vs body. But STILL. Shocked how the fire risk triggered FREEZEPANIC instead of a PROTECTOR. Maybe that's a different CLASS??? when its an OBJECT THREAT instead of a PERSON. Look into this

Knife & razor cutting eggs, still hot. Felt heartpull to burning. Razor suddenly said "who is tied to the burning???" GOOD POINT!! That was a childhood abuse method, VERY retributive-- why is there no apparent nousfoni for it?? Was it just tangled with the Cores, especially Cannons, for so long?

Carrots had ZERO SOCIAL PINGS. Notable.
Fat carrots today! Xennie excited (she ate the tails last night)
Julie helped Lynne. Lynne's overlay is still unstable especially in hue.
BTW LYNNE WAS ORIGINALLY CREATED TO BE A SOCIAL?????? THAT WAS THE WHOLE ASSUMED POINT OF "HOLDING WHAT THE CORE COULD NOT BECOME" DUDE WOW. LOOK & FEEL THIS THROUGH EXTENSIVELY ASAP.

Galadia is so unstable too because SHE HAS NO ROOTS!!!
Jewel reminded us that Pokémon NEED A GAME ANCHOR in order to truly join us up here, otherwise they will COLLAPSE because they CANNOT BUILD A PERSONALITY IN HEADSPACE!!!  Outspacer souls NEED HEARTSPACE TO EXIST. And Galadia inexplicably BYPASSED THAT.
So. Her only chance of survival at this point is THE LEAGUE. That's Jewel's territory and responsibility, and she's smiling with all fiery seriousness and saying "I'll take care of it, don't worry"

Sharona gave herself dishwashing duty
Talking to Xenophon and Wreckage?
She used to hurt the children when she was corrupt. But then Why does she have the mothers name if the mother wasn't like that?
Wreckage said "It was abusive if the child felt it was abusive"
To Xenophon: "You know, your father really loves you. He’s just incredibly unstable, and that's why he's not around that often. But we will do everything we can to help him be with you as much as possible."
Cleaning stove, wiped up char with towel. Laurie called her out, BUT she figured "Well I already made a (irreversible) mistake, I might as well keep making it." She stopped and said "wow, isn't THAT a Black mindset?" Felt Infi contritely agree

We nudged Mimic to attempt to semifront to get the water bottle. But even just putting his energy into the arm with so disconcerting he stopped immediately. "Nope, that is way too weird, sorry."
Briefly talked to Chaos 0 about this?? CZ saying "I never front in the body; that  would be too weird for me in an entirely different way. I only co-front, but for the same reason really."
Barry giving him a teasing look "yeah you would." CZ grinned back "yeah I have." (Unsure dialogue)

So bloody tired, hungry and dizzy; need to eat.
Still writing all this down ASAP is ESSENTIAL.

BK at 333pm. Man. Still works out though, thanks be to God, because of night prayer & song tonight. Seriously looking forward to that btw

Daily devotional reading
Emphasis on developing our talents, bearing fruit naturally in God, and FAITH as something "built up"; WRITE THAT DOWN it hit heavy

Verse of the day: psalm 23
Mimic & Barry "argument" over psalms: Barry not taking it seriously enough? Mimic said it's fearlessly honest, no keeping up appearances whatsoever
"Can't experience God's Goodness without knowing His Word": can't trust His Character without knowing it
Laurie giving examples of protection? Can't trust her to protect you unless you know her character. And if she didn't speak you'd never have attested proof. Suspicion could always win out. So the Word is vital? Obviously deep topic
Then her telling Mimic: "Jesus IS God's Word; everything He does IS a Word of Truth" essentially

Different reading plan today, Mimic decided; psalm 102 too rough on our bedraggled mindset right now
Ended up with MORE SYNCHRONICITY
Also THIS:
"Where are you today? Are you dry and thirsty physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Cry out to the Lord, and He will meet you where you are. Ask Him to open your eyes and show you where the well is so you can drink and nourish your body, soul, mind, and spirit. 
Sometimes we just need to cry out to the Lord. I can assure you He is fine with this. God heard Hagar and Ishmael’s voices in their despair and immediately met their needs. Peter says in Acts 10:34 (KJV), “that God is no respecter of persons,” which means what He did for Hagar He will do for you. “What ails you, [insert your name here]? Fear not!” 
AND:
"Do you feel like you have messed up so badly that there appears to be no way out? God said David was a man after His own heart, yet David committed adultery and murder. So you need to know that no matter how deep a pit you are in, God is ready and willing to lift you out. When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you need to do is look up... Your part is to humble yourself, pray, and repent; then God will hear, forgive, and heal." Psalm 27
JAY IS THE ONE WHO RESPONDED TO THAT ONE

...
Archiving SLC entries listening to genshin impact ost because erhus apparently
MISSED ALARM FOR PRAYER SERVICE
minor but debilitating religious guilt breakdown
still went though
missed half of it but we were there, we said we would be there and we were

shop after to get tissues as we're out and only have $5 left for the month
Laurie talking to me to keep me stable; night is frightening
Still love her so much

Home at 830?
UPMC CLEANUP
Unbelievably freeing, cathartic
It was an "albatross"

Julie made dinner!
Spice & Sharona helping with their jobs
Also Wreckage monitoring triscuit usage haha. Julie let her know Xenophon always gets approval, and also that we are allowed a few "extra" if we haven't eaten much that day and need the carb push

We ate 1550k today (thanks to some extra evoo & triscuits). Very unusual. But the body was unusually hungry? Either way it probably needed the boost.
Just have to be careful. Julie was being "pulled away from headspace." Too much time in body; losing herself

Chaos 0 watching Jay & Xenophon doing nightly cleanup and saying "we need to do more together as a family"

Stupidly decided to do nightwork archiving 2010 entries
FORGOT HOW DISTURBING AND DISTRAUGHT THAT WHOLE YEAR WAS
it actually made me sick. gutted me entirely. how in the world did we survive that??? how did we FORGET how BAD it was???
need to recuperate and cope. laurie chastening me for being up until 230 again, this poor body is in desperate need of sleep.
she's saying i'm in need of more than sleep, i'm in need of love, and with the misery i've been suffocating under for the past three hours that's doctor's orders, stat.
honestly let me just add this. i haven't been thoroughly reading the 2010 entries at the risk of triggering a despair meltdown from the trauma resurge. but... over and over, who do i see, constantly keeping me sane despite every possible opposition? laurie. she was my lifeline. without her i probably would have died.
just... it hit so hard tonight, in hindsight, after the fugues. i had never before realized how much of an anchor she truly was.
poor jayce, too. my poor soulrotted brother, the first of the malecores. poor snuffed-out lamp of a boy. honestly his life was more horrorstricken than i ever would have imagined, too. again, god only knows how he survived as long as he did.
man. i wonder how THIS hell turned into what i remember of 2011. guess we'll find out. there's probably an abyss of nightmares lurking there, too, if this archive is any indication.
still, laurie elbows me in the ribs, that doesn't invalidate the beautiful things that happened. just murks them up is all. but good things last, kiddo. even if they were hidden and distorted at the time, the truth of what they were at heart rings true. and you know that far better than even i do.
i know what she's referring to. but i don't have the ability to process that at all right now. that's my buried trauma, oh infi we're really in this together after all, aren't we.
...and chaos. good lord i never even considered how he might be carrying this. how inhumane. how much of a failure of a partner i am, to be so afraid of my experiences that i disregarded his in the process.
it's too late at night to delve into that. but i need to, soon. laurie says after we get some sleep and stabilize, especially with our schedule.
gosh my mind is an awful blur. i'm so timelagged and shaken from those old entries. god help us. maybe i shouldn't even be uploading them. i don't know. i'm trying to be honest, trying to get the complete picture up, the contrast between then and now, but... i wish i could forget.
but i can't. i've been trying to forget for ten solid years and more, and all it's done is sink the trauma-teeth down deeper into my neck. i'm going to bleed to death if i keep pretending there isn't a problem. if i'm still this shaken by even glimpsing data about slc, then the wound is not healed, like it or not.

anyway. no time for that tonight.
sorry about the disjointed entry. will fix it later. tomorrow is cathechism so we'll unavoidably be up late again.
i promise i will spend tomorrow night doing something far more healthy for our soul. lord guide and protect us all, please. and help us to forgive.