eating disorder thoughts

why we keep relapsing into self-abusive addictive patterns of bulimia=

"what does the eating disorder DO for us?" what "needs" does it meet, even if only temporarily/ in a backwards way?
✱ it gives us SENSORY OVERWHELM to combat the SENSORY DEPRIVATION of our day
✱ it causes PAIN/ FEAR/ SICKNESS/ STRESS/ PANIC which are "normal emotions" for our traumabrain
✱ it "keeps us busy" for hours instead of staring at a wall
✱ it makes us STAND and MOVE for hours instead of sitting down (we eat STANDING, not sitting)
✱ the "purge" response is analogous to "screaming"
✱ the mindless repetitive motions allow our brain to "garbage dump" all junk data, such as looping words and sounds nonstop for hours, etc.
✱ the bite/ chew and chop/ tear actions are often an "outlet" for outright destructive/ violent impulses
✱ the body is objectively starving otherwise (<50g carbs, <1030K daily) and binges are a way to "placate" it temporarily
✱ the "trying new foods" is often the only "new input" we get in an otherwise motonous-loop day
✱ the "memory reliving" we get from foods is often the only way we CAN access certain memories
✱ food can be used as an explicit trauma trigger and can easily, severely force flashbacks
✱ binging is, blatantly, a form of sexual trauma and it is used as such
✱ the terror of a bulimic episode triggers hysterical prayer which "makes us feel closer to god"
✱ the emotional terrors in general are often the "only emotions" we feel during an otherwise numb-griefrage day
✱ during a disordered episode we lose all sense of self-awareness/ identity which is a way of "coping with" trauma via running from self
✱ binges involve extensive, obsessive preparation and organization of foods and containers; this may be an OCD outlet
✱ the "planning" of this in the kitchen is a direct, physical act that feels like making sense out of nonsense and then "destroy" the excess. this feels ritualized and symbolic. it's an act of power in the paradoxical midst of abject helplessness. we are both the victim of abuse (forced eating) and the one that "kills" the abuser (the food), in a bulimic episode.
✱ it's self-abuse, full stop. the entire time we are in abject terror and wanting to stop, in horrible pain and literally fearing death. each bulimic event is literally a traumatic experience and leaves us shellshocked. is our brain considering this our "default" and simply seeking to perpetuate it?
✱ buying food for binges eventually destroys our finances; we feel we "deserve/ have to be poor"? consider family poverty-forcing mindset to this day
✱ is there a social "need" being met via going to stores/ food drives? it's either just "impersonal proximity" or "business interaction" so it's not the disturbing "conversation" kind but it's still living talking human beings in our vicinity, and open spaces, as opposed to the silent isolation/ small spaces of daily life
✱ binge foods are always compulsive-- either memory triggers or "trauma fawning." we eat things "because we ate them in the past and that's who other people want us to become again now" or "we were told to eat this by an authority figure and can't say no to that standing order ever"
✱ ACTUALLY EATING IS DEBILITATING and this is the "only alternative that isn't starving to death." literally whenever we do eat food, we get physically ill and mentally incapacitated for HOURS. there is no variation, even in hospital treatment environments. is our body just wrecked from two decades of abuse? either way, we tend to fast for almost two days then bingepurge that second night. this keeps looping. but, if eating itself is viewed AND experienced as INHERENTLY traumatic, then it makes sense that disordered behavior based on compromise would emerge to cope.
✱ food is also labeled as "evil" due to sexual associations (invasion, infestation, violation, parasitism, inflicted weight, ingestion, poisoning, etc.) and so being able to "get rid of it" after eating it is a direct "play-acting" of "rejecting abuse" that we couldn't escape in the past
✱ there may also be a hidden desire for atonement, even though when we "remember" it's due we shake in dread. it hurts horribly. BUT we "need to bleed." atoning for hijacks makes it mandatory. is that "retribution" ritual briefly meeting a greater need for sexual trauma healing, if only symbolically?
✱ lotophagoi exist. don't forget this. there are REAL SOMAFONI who ONLY COME OUT during these events because they CAUSE AND PERPETUATE THEM. so even if we don't know them well, or at all, they wouldn't exist without a reason. these hidden reasons might be something our collective mind refuses to/ cannot ignore anymore? and these events are almost being "forced" so that we "can finally face up to/ process things"? this would further explain the inextricable association with trauma/ flashbacks/ explicit abuse that bulimic episodes are defined by. there are PEOPLE involved here; it's not just automation.
✱ but we don't want this. we are so frightened of it happening again. but we're used to always having to suffer and endure "what we don't want" and "what frightens us"-- even what puts us in real danger of serious injury and/or death. again, this could be a subconscious "normal"
✱ bulimia is a suicide alternative. it plays the part well. we're scared that one day it will succeed at what it mirrors.