091924 front of tablet

~2500K with hospital BK?
92 lbs as of noon!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

(they called me JASPER! ♥)

0919 quicknotes = process group

your body is made of dust & LIGHT = creatures INTERDEPENDENT
soul = FORM = ACCIDENTS VS TELEOLOGY?
"ingredients" of all things organized PURPOSEFULLY
proteins, minerals, etc. "artworks" of God
orderly structure, specific purpose, BEAUTY ("eat the dandelion")
(TRUE FOOD = SELF-GIFT & RECEPTION ALL IN LOVE)

(organic) "dead" things = soul returned to God, BUT MINERAL SOUL STAYS???
✳ PRIESTLY eating (EUCHARIST!) = we take it into OUR body CONSCIOUSLY/ GRATEFULLY; ONLY MAN CAN OFFER SACRIFICE & PRAISE & GLORIFY GOD (WORSHIP) and we do this THROUGH EATING? "GARDEN OF EDEN" ORIGINS?
GOD MADE FOOD TO GIVE US LIFE = HIMSELF!!! RELATIONSHIP / COMMUNION
✳ WEIGHT = "KAVOD" = GRAVITY = GLORY = WORSHIP GOD the CREATOR
"heavy" is HOW much "MATTER" our soul is CARRYING TO OFFER?
gravity = drawn to CENTER OF UNIVERSE? (GOD) "CONNECTS"; RELATIONSHIP
(symbolic) HUMILITY ("humus" → PLANET) "grounds us" BUT also "off earth" HIGHER paradoxically (ABOVE/ BEYOND)
weight = significance, purposeful; "it MATTERS"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ the real goal is NOT to live in some theoretical "gray area"? GOD PURPOSELY DISCERNED DAY & NIGHT so to speak. Black & White CAN'T "BLEND" BUT they CAN COEXIST in BALANCE/ HARMONY! (they are MEANT to!)
(MALE & FEMALE, LAND & SEA, SKY & EARTH, LIGHT & DARK)
BE HONEST WITHOUT COMPROMISE; Pray for the WISDOM to KNOW the TRUTH in FULL & LIVE BY IT.
REJECT RELATIVISM & MORAL LUKEWARMNESS!!


Breathe.
Take in what you need.
Grow.
Heal.


✳ START a "FOOD HEALING" BLOG where you can SHARE the SPIRITUAL/ CONCEPTUAL/ PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALING & TRANSMUTATION of fear foods as you eat them in recovery! The WHOLE POINT of learning & thinking through all this, untangling all these knotted fears, IS SO OTHERS CAN BENEFIT. It's diving to get the pearls FOR those too sick or weak to swim.

✳ ^WHY do certain foods KEEP "REVERTING" TO FEAR FOODS, EVEN AFTER PAST EXPOSURES? There must be DEEPER roots that KEEP REINFECTING them. Go REVIEW & CHART/ LIST the UPMC data so it's EASILY REVIEWABLE.
✳ ALSO remember that the SECOND HALF of this process is RE-ASSOCIATING FOOD with GOOD & VIRTUOUS THINGS!! (MATT 12:43-45) You MUST FIGHT & CONQUER EVIL WITH GOOD. GOD CREATED FOOD for HOLY PURPOSES of LOVE & LIFE, and the DEVIL WANTS TO CORRUPT IT. DON'T LET HIM. YOU MUST REPROGRAM/ REORIENT YOUR MIND TO GOD IN the VERY ACT OF EATING & the very IDEA of food. IT'S ALL MEANT FOR HIS GLORY, EVEN & ESPECIALLY in this day & age of processed/ denatured/ modified food-- it is OUR JOB as KINGDOM PRIESTS to offer ALL of FALLEN/ WOUNDED CREATION TO GOD, its CREATOR, for its SANCTIFICATION THROUGH CHRIST IN US, RECONCILING ALL THINGS. NOTHING IS CREATED EVIL. MAN CAN'T DO IT EITHER. ALL FOOD CAN BE MADE HOLY.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three wellness activities to BEGIN to INTEGRATE in outpatient:
1. Get up early & WALK TO CHURCH & ADORATION
2. Spend ≥1 HOUR DAILY in JOURNALING/ the LEAGUE!
3. JOIN the GYM? But start WEIGHTLIFTING!! If you want to keep eating consistently higher calories, USE them as FUEL to BULK UP STRONG!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOALS =

1. Act with INTEGRITY
2. Be REALISTIC yet OPTIMISTIC
3. Accept, identify, WELCOME, SIT WITH/ DIALOGUE WITH uncomfortable emotions
4. Participate fully in groups
5. Combat negativity through actively pursuing gratitude
6. Journal about treatment plan
7. LISTEN to your subconscious and don't ignore/ deny what it reveals to you
8. DISCERN MEANINGFUL positive affirmations SPECIFICALLY to COMBAT INTERNALIZED negatives
9. BEFRIEND & WALK WITH discomfort
10. Replace judgment with CURIOUS COMPASSION
11. IMAGINE positive scenarios to REPLACE trauma memories for foods
12. BE CONFIDENT IN MY DECISIONS & BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE OUTCOMES! (GIVE ANXI HER TEA♥)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ PART of your eating disorder is FORCEFEEDING, esp. AS SELF-ERASURE? You ARE ALLOWED & even OBLIGATED to MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES to RESPECT & CARE FOR YOURSELF. Part of this recovery REQUIRES GAINING/ PRACTICING THE FREEDOM TO SAY "NO." YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT EVERYTHING. YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" LIKE EVERYTHING "OR YOU'RE CRUEL/ UNLOVING." PERSONAL PREFERENCES/ RESONANCES ARE NOT MORALLY WRONG!!!

✳ "lookup/ research" HOW TO DISCERN/ DETERMINE THE CONCLUSION OF A STORY

✳ LOOK UP POSITIVE ROLE MODELS for having a BIG/ BULKY/ FAT BODY AS A FEMALE? (+MAKE A FOLDER!!)
(e.g. Jasper, Luisa, Rose Quartz) (★VULNERABILITY/ INTIMACY CAPABLE)

✳ "We don't always need the perfect solution; we might just need GOOD QUESTIONS"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I AM...
+ ENTHUSIASTIC
+ VIBRANT
+ ADVENTUROUS
+ UNUSUAL
+ LEARNING
+ KNOWLEDGEABLE
+ IMAGINATIVE
+ DREAMER
+ SWEET
+ COOL
+ THOUGHTFUL
+ LOVING
+ INNOCENT
+ PRECIOUS
+ DARLING
+ GIVING
+ TALENTED
+ LIKEABLE
+ A BLESSING
+ A JUBILANT JOKER

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ dude is my daengel's "TRUE" or at least NEW name "INTEGRITY"???

091924 back of tablet

Psychologically, I am in a COMPLETELY different state now than I was in UPMC & that's not good news. I'm stuttering & dissociating & shaking. Is it because I have no space or privacy or silence here? I feel trapped, overwhelmed, overstimulated, rushed, surrounded, helpless & watched like a caged animal. WHY? This place is SHOCKINGLY LENIENT compared to UPMC. But... I think it's the bigger shift from a solitary home & hospital to suddenly being surrounded by people, even lovely people, with NO "escape" physically. I'll talk to treatment team IF I can phrase this without putting myself in danger. What I really need to do is learn how to assert my boundaries, whatever that means, without offending or hurting or ignoring others. I'm not the only one struggling or suffering. I NEED to be a man, so to speak. That's a problem too. Yeah I'm a woman but I MUST BE STRONG & BRAVE & COURAGEOUS. Or is this God humbling me? I came in here thinking "I'll be a good example & inspire others" because I base my worth on that. But I showed up and burnt out fast & I'm a trembling shrinking coward. I'm a disgrace. And yet I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. I CAN'T. That would betray my own ideals & work towards integrity. But part of me does want to bail. It's jumping to conclusions. Listen, WORK HARD, WOMAN UP, & GIVE IT A WEEK. Cooperate entirely with the team & let them know you ARE determined to heal-- which means PARTICIPATING IN GROUPS & NOT ISOLATING & LEARNING TO NOT FREAK OUT IN SOCIAL SETTINGS. Otherwise they'll choke you on pills. KILL THE EGO CURVED IN ON ITSELF. GO OUT TO OTHERS IN LOVE. That's what JESUS would do, and you ARE His Temple, & SO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE. Live like it!!

How do I change HARD & FAST tomorrow? Do I need to anchor in an overlay? God please help me to stay in the right mindset without getting proud or stupid or blind. Honestly THAT'S what I'm afraid of. A BIG part of this eating disorder IS "SEDATING THE DRAGON." I feel like I'm a MONSTER inside & if I DON'T keep that horror starved & weak, refusing to feed it, it will-- I will-- inevitably be a VIOLENT AGGRESSIVE FIRE destroying all that comes near. I'm terrified that EVEN NOW, although still thin, as I feel STRENGTH & ENERGY returning THROUGH FOOD, the monster WILL hurt everyone UNLESS I keep this ANXIETY CAGE around it. It's just a different restraint; if I can't tranquilize, at least not unless I sleep-deprive it. But it ALL boils down to NOT TRUSTING MYSELF because I KNOW I'M DANGEROUS & OFFENSIVE & INAPPROPRIATE & OBTRUSIVE & RUDE & HAUGHTY & BAD. Deep down I just hurt people. Deeper down I love people so much it hurts and I want to weep bitter hot tears forever because dragons burn people, not embrace them. I'm meant to be slain. "Scorpion Part I." Is that really my nature? NO. Scripture says YOU'VE BEEN BOUGHT AT A PRICE & CHANGED IN CHRIST. Yes, EVEN a cobra like you. The Child DOES put His Hand on you. And He HAS, so please, BELIEVE it!! STOP ACTING SO COWARDLY. But there's some deeper level there too, I feel it now in action. I'm SCARED of doing something wrong & BEING SLAIN and it's making me TERRIFIED to even TRY??


---------------------------------------------------------------------------


COUNSELING TOPICS =
● distrust of self; "if I choose it, it's WRONG" = must OBEY AUTHORITY (arbitrary???)
↑ TIED INTO BPD APPEASEMENT "PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE; I'LL DO ANYTHING" (terror of abandonment/ rejection)
● "I'm a MONSTER"; need to be CAGED/ CHAINED/ TRANQUILIZED or else I'll kill someone

✳GUILT = "I MADE A MISTAKE"
SHAME = "I AM A MISTAKE"