x

note to update later.


our "relationship with jesus" is DIRECTLY and DISTURBINGLY reflecting our toxic relationships in slc/cnc.

we're in the stage where the bitter sobbing and exhaustion has turned to anger and rebellion, where we're SEEKING ADDICTIONS and EXIT ROUTES because we don't know how to cope. emotions are shut down. we're getting hard and cold and numb
i don't want this at all
oh but the most important thing=
this is all because the "relationship" is based on "consumption"
"i love you, so i will turn you into myself" = we don't exist as an individual, only as a "worshipper"
there is no time for us to exist or have an identity. not allowed. everything based on "placating and pleasing the other person"

our fears/hatred of food and s*x are becoming absolutely unbearable again
daily life is a waking nightmare
and BOTH THOSE THINGS PEOPLE KEEP TALKING ABOUT IN RELIGION

this is making us AVOID CHURCH
because the eucharist is starting to feel INVASIVE

THIS ISNT RIGHT
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON

its because we started studying the book of job again
and our brain obsesses over the accusatory chapters and laments
"YOU ARE GUILTY OF ALL OF THIS"
"GOD REALLY IS YOUR ENEMY"
etc.
and we're also unexpectedly and horrifically running into way too much talk of sexuality both in the bible and in lectures
the lecture today was by a girl whose voice SCARED US SO MUCH we were actively dissociating from reality and wanting to vomit
like our brain actually shut down from fear and we STILL FORCED OURSELF TO SIT THROUGH IT
dream hacks are still haeppning. so are hijafcks
feels like helll allt he time

sorry breaking down

jury duty summons stressing us out too told them we cant do it
have to get doctor fax tomorrow want to weep from exhsution
"mad at god" ebcause just like slc-cnc "we're not allowed to rest" everything is servitude
no warmth no talk no closeness nothing
if it looks like it it is temorary and shallow and onesided and performative
always performative

god im so sorry

i wish i could just sleep in one day. one day. just sleep one day
but we cant
body hurts too much
nightmares too horrific
bed feels like a prison. slleep is starting to become a terror instead of a relief
and so many prayers, so many prayers, they never stop, hours and hours
shaking with absolute terror kneeling in front of pictures
pictures of mary bringing up disabling fright responses again
female terror through the roof

oh yeah we cut our hair on stress impulse but we forgot, short hair "makes us evil"
hair style activeyl "rewrites" our personality and this one is EVIL
no blepofoni attached to it even. too corrupt
scared. avoiding mirrors. feel ttotally alien. even more depersonalized than usual

daily life is hell right now
 scared that we will die and go there for real

but good things exist
isnt it horribly ironic
want to screamcryrage sob weep forever
there are still beautiful things,
LIKE THE SYSTEM
and yet
god "doesn't allow any of it"
"annihilate everything but god"
"destroy everything that displeases god"
left with nothing but fearful mechanical prayers for hours and hours
and us now trying to run away or self abuse or start new trauma cycle
its awful

want to actually pray to god but we are so afraid of god right now

please please please
we dont reemember how the book of job ends
i hope i hope to god himself that it gives us hope here
we'll see what happesn


we need a therapist
gotta do that tomorrow

at least we wrote something here tonight
more updates soon i hope i hope.

dead right now
but cannot give up hope ever

if god is real
and god IS real
but not the "god" we're thinking he is
the REAL god that bishop barron talks about
which we NEVER KNEW until we started this new year studying
the REAL GOD
we know he is real because guess what
because we're real.
the system is real
and the love and beauty and goodness and truth that WE HAVE AND DO EXPERIENCE is from god and is PROOF of god

so take that demon doubters

sorry rambling going to be punished
but i said it!! i said the truth anyway
sorry

scared
gotta sleep
tomorrow exhausting already want to cry.
cant give up

there's enough good in the world to hold on to
there's enough good in our heart to hold on to

if that's all we've got
it's enough