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Saturday. Very lost & confused over unpredictable schedule, & very anxious over having to run to Mass in the dark AND among crowds today. Nevertheless it must be done. It's a great sacrifice.

Dream about dad. House in dupont, as it is in dreams, all flowers in the evening. Beautiful dream, very rare.

Suddenly inspired to FIX THE KITCHEN LIGHTS around 830.
Horrible guilt about not saying Lauds but I promised we WOULD say it later; however this task was something that needed to be done and we had no other ready opportunity TO do it. So instead of shirking responsibility in order to pray, we took the HUGE MORAL RISK of fixing the lights and just praying more afterwards.


JAY CAN PRAY EFFORTLESSLY??????
AND YES APPARENTLY HE STILL EXISTS!!!
We realized the "scrupulous and anxious" thriskefoni are ALL SOMAFONI. Their anchors are OUTSIDE.
When we are anchored INSIDE, we have NO TROUBLE PRAYING AT ALL and also NO TERROR TOWARDS GOD????

ALSO. TO BE A CORE AT ALL, YOU MUST BE IN THE BLOODLINE.
THE BLOOD IS THE ENTIRE POINT.
This is why Kyanos & Javier could never hold the role, despite the System engineering them FOR the position in a pinch. But without the blood, it cannot work.

THE WHITE-HAIRED JEWEL IS REAL. SHE FEELS LIKE SHE TRULY IS MEANT TO BE OUR CURRENT CORE, THE TRUE CONTINUATION OF THE BLOODLINE.
But the somafoni have usurped everything. They won't LET a Core in at ALL.
...

Getting notable flashes of Jesus & Mary as the TRUE "WHITE" HOLDERS in the Spectrum??? Rightfully so, as THEY are the Sources of ALL our Light, as it is all grace from God.
But yeah, the different colors within them would MANIFEST DIFFERENTLY like different apparitions, so to speak= this is EXACTLY what our old "Spectrum Christ" digital painting series idea WAS!!!! (And yes we STILL want to do it)


Evening=
Ran to church. Don't remember it. Dissociated hard from fear.
Run home was unexpectedly erased too because we got SOCIALFORCED from the apparent PARADE HAPPENING. WHAT THE SHARK.
It was scary to have noise & music & crowds & DARK. We got home, got on the bike, put on some liquid funk and BOOKED IT

Church was lovely though.
Lantern "wreath" for Advent. Laurie briefly fronted to pray, moved to pain by it.
Homily about Christ coming to us "in the night." Christmas happens at night. Surprised me, moved me. I saw Infi for a few seconds, perfectly clear, so full of stars xhe looked snowdusted. My heart nearly turned to fire

Night exhaustion. Still won't let ourself rest.
Music feels alien & unsafe lately. Trying too hard to discover, not enjoying anything. Should be revisiting System tunes from the past & remembering what matters.

Constantly want to cry from sheer exhaustion & "pain" all over. Never rested. Never at peace. At least, not unless we go inside.
Remember that. There's love here. We're starving for it.

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THIS ENTIRE SERMON BY SAINT AUGUSTINE=

"Let us sing alleluia here on earth, while we are still anxious and worrying, so that we may one day be able to sing it there in heaven, without any worry or care. Why anxious and worrying here? You must want me to be anxious, Lord, when I read, "Is not man’s life on earth a trial and a temptation?" You must want me to worry when temptation is so plentiful that the Prayer itself tells us to worry, when we say, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us." Every day we are petitioners, every day we are trespassers. Do you want me to throw care to the winds, Lord, when every day I am requesting pardon for sins and assistance against dangers? After all, when I have said, because of past sins, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us," I must immediately go on to add, because of future dangers, "Lead us not into temptation." And how can a people be in a good way, when they cry out with me, "Deliver us from evil?" And yet, my brethren, in this time that is still evil, let us sing alleluia to the good God, Who DOES deliver us from evil."
0) ...God knows we're fond of a certain orange critter arriving next June. He sees (and definitely orchestrated) our sudden genuine heart-softening to this topic and He is taking FULL and blessed advantage of it. So we receive these "coincidences" from His Hands with grateful wonder. He is speaking here, purposefully.
1) We MUST "sing alleluia" DURING earthly trials IN ORDER TO sing it in heavenly peace!! That FULLNESS of capacity is ESSENTIAL. Our joy & praise CANNOT be full, CANNOT be perfect, WITHOUT the strange grace of SUFFERING FIRST. It really is the universal principle of the Cross.
2) This insight into "HOLY WORRY" that STILL TRUSTS is ASTOUNDING.
3) What a game-changing insight into the Lord's Prayer in that regard!
4) EVEN SO, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR DOUBT.
...

"Even here, among the dangers, among the trials and temptations of this life, both by others and by ourselves let alleluia be sung. God is faithful, He says, and He will not permit you to be tempted beyond what you are able to endure. So even here let us sing alleluia. Man is still a defendant on trial, but God is faithful. He did not say “He will not permit you to be tempted” but "He will not permit you to be tempted beyond what you are able to endure;" and with the temptation "He will also make a way out, so that you may be able to endure it." You have entered into temptation; but God will also make a way out so that you do not perish in the temptation; so that like a potter’s jar you may be shaped by the preaching and fired into strength by the tribulation. But when you enter the temptation, bear in mind the way out: because God is faithful, God will watch over you and guard your going in and your coming out."
1) We do NOT sing "in spite of danger," but AMONG the dangers. We do not deny, or scoff at, or trivialize, or ignore the danger.
2) THIS IS A PROMISE, you realize. God "WILL NOT." That means NO EXCEPTIONS.
3) ...God is like a raincoat. Go figure. That's EXACTLY THIS.
4) The shocking assertion that "man is STILL ON TRIAL, BUT..." God is faithful to us, to give us a way out so we won't perish, EVEN DURING OUR TRIAL. The IMMENSITY of LOVE in that is STAGGERING.
5) Every temptation is meant FOR GOOD. It is NEVER God's intent for us to perish, or be lost!!
6) The keyword = God MAKES a way out. He literally CREATES ONE where there may not have been ANY escapep by human means or judgment. This is WHY we FAIL on our own, when we try to fight our temptations alone. WE CAN'T WIN, OR ESCAPE, WITHOUT GOD, because ONLY HE CAN ENABLE EITHER.
7) THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY OUT, and IT IS GOD. He is "our guard and our shade,"
...


"Furthermore, when this body has become immortal and imperishable, when all temptation has been done away with; because the body is dead– why is it dead? –Because of sin. But the spirit is life, because of justice. So do we leave the body dead, then? NO, but listen: But if the Spirit of Him who raised Christ from the dead dwells within you, then HE who raised Christ from the dead WILL give life to your mortal bodies. So you see: now the body receives its life from the soul, but then it will receive it from the Spirit."
I need to break this down. This changes so much.
1) The body becomes immortal BECAUSE temptation has been eliminated.
2) Temptation is eliminated BECAUSE THE BODY IS DEAD.
3) The body is dead BECAUSE OF SIN.
4) The contrast with justice???  That's the reason WHY the Spirit is Life??? PONDER THIS.
5) THE BODY IS NOT MEANT TO STAY DEAD.
...
6) THE HOLY SPIRIT WITHIN US
7) SOURCES OF LIFE?????

"O! what a happy alleluia there, how carefree, how safe from all opposition, where nobody will be an enemy, where no-one will ever cease to be a friend! God’s praises sung there, sung here – here, by the anxious; there, by the carefree – here, by those who will die; there, by those who will live for ever – here, in hope; there, in reality – here, on our journey; there, in our homeland.
So now, my brethren, let us sing, not to delight our leisure, but to ease our toil. In the way that travellers are in the habit of singing, sing, but keep on walking. What does it mean, “keep on walking”? Go onward always – but go onward in goodness, for there are, according to the Apostle, some people who go ever onward from bad to worse. If you are going onward, you are walking; but always go onward in goodness, onward in the right faith, onward in good habits and behaviour. Sing, and walk onwards."

...that last line actually moved me to tears.


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Guided prayer is a SNIPER SHOT TO SCRUPULOSITY =

"God, thank You for being Someone I can trust at all times! You are always worthy of my praise and worship. Before continuing, I just want to spend a few moments telling You how much I adore You. When I think of all that You've done, how could I not love You? Thank You for being faithful at all times. Today, I want to worship You."
1) God CAN be trusted AT ALL TIMES. "But trusted to do WHAT," you ask fearfully? I say, stop being so contrary and rebellious. You are unwilling TO trust, so you mangle the term. Think like a child. Do you "trust someone" to hurt you? That's abuse of the word. When you say, "I trust you"-- and Charis can back me up on this one all the way to heaven-- I am saying, "I trust you to be trustworthy. I trust you to be good, and faithful, and true." It's a psychospiritual "trust fall"! I can RELY on you being there to catch me, because you care. You wouldn't be there if you didn't. You get it? GOD CAN BE TRUSTED. You can "surrender yourself to Him" like a child in its Father's arms, even if you stubbornly insist "you can't understand that." Conceptually you can. In the League you can. You have no excuse.
2) EVERYTHING God does is worthy of praise, even His chastisements and punishments, even His redirections & refusals, even His silences & delays. God is worthy of praise when He hands you a heavier cross. God is worthy of worship when you're doubtful, when you're panicked, when you're spiritually dry, when you're empty inside. God is worthy of worship when He gives you no sensible consolation or comfort, when He withholds your physical & mental rest, when He takes away your health & possessions & job & family, when He throws you into danger and when He delivers you to death. God is worthy of praise when He leaves you in the prison of addiction for years. God is worthy of worship when He allows you to be abused repeatedly. I could go on. But this is the reality that guts us, that confuses mankind throughout the ages. "How can I trust God, if He allows such horrors?" That's the thing. You HAVE to trust Him, even in the horrors, because He IS trustworthy DESPITE the horrors. It's what Job clung to, it's what Christ personified. God IS, by permanent definition, in His unchanging character, trustworthy. He IS Goodness and Love, Mercy and Justice, Truth and Wisdom. All these terrible things that happen to us because of sin, through sin, have nothing to do with God. But He allows them. Why? Look at the Cross. There is the silent answer to all man's pain. There is the perfect response to all mortal struggle, the divine reply to every cry of human pain. There are mysteries we may never know in this world, but we CAN trust Him... and that trust will transmute it all.
3) There's a flipside. You must remember this. Yes, God has permitted man's sin, the devil's schemes, the effects of death. But what has God done? What are the Works OF God, those things ONLY He can do?
...
4) Love is the natural response to Love Himself. When we recognize God AS Love, we "can't help but love Him"-- not out of fear or compulsion, not even out of resignation or obligation, but out of sheer overwhelming relief & joy & gratitude. When we realize God IS LOVE, no matter what unlove and antilove is in our world and in our lives, then our souls can breathe and laugh and sing, invincible in the infinite Heart of the Trinity.
This transcendent Truth of Love is what every martyr witnessed to.
5) Faithfulness motivates worship.
...
6) Lastly... how does one truly adore God?
That word is tainted for us, corrupted by sexual terror. It blinds us. We need to clarify and rewrite the definition.
...


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Some more scrupulosity articles before Mass, because we're making vital progress and we mustn't slack off or chicken out.


"If you always feel anxious, disturbed, and compulsive about your prayer life, there’s something wrong. It’s not a virtue to be anxious about prayer. If you pray consistently and from your heart but you always feel like it’s not enough or it’s not the right quality, really there’s something wrong."
Putting it plainly like this does help us admit that, okay, maybe there IS a problem.
But then our brain says, "the problem is you're EVIL. You have a devil in you, you're rotten to the core, that's WHY prayer makes you anxious, just like Holy water burns demons! The prayer aggravates your evil soul so you want an excuse to stop with this OCD fake diagnosis! You're just looking for an easy way out of prayer, so you don't have to be exorcised!!"
I beg your pardon, brain, but I WANT to pray. I just recognize that this literally "disturbingly compulsive" thing I'm doing ISN'T "real" prayer somehow, and I want to find out.
It ISN'T normal to be so panicked over prayer, or to cry from helpless frustration whenever I have to pray more. Is that really proof that I'm evil? Is it OCD? I'm afraid to ask. It feels blasphemous.
And yeah, whenever we DO pray, and try really hard TO do so, it's NEVER "done right"-- in fact, assuming we COULD "do it right" is SINFUL PRIDE!!! So EVERY PRAYER MUST BE REPEATED NOW, as an "act of humility," an "admission that we cannot praise God as He deserves." But it's NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. We will compulsively repeat prayers 3 times, 7 times, 12 times. Prayers have to be said in specific orders, in specific postures, at specific times. Otherwise Mary will yell at you, or God will punish you in offended rage. Et cetera.
This isn't prayer. It can't be.

"For people with faulty doctrinal views about salvation, excessive prayer and other devotional rituals can be viewed as a “work” that "earns points towards salvation". There is no joy or depth to such prayer, only a feeling of self-preservation and self-responsibility. These people need to take care not to allow prayer to become a form of legalism."
"Earning points" with prayer becomes a LEGIT CONCERN when you're dealing with INDULGENCES and "PROMISES", like the ones attached to the Seven Swords Rosary and many Raccolta prayers. You're told flat-out that you MUST say them EVERY DAY-- and often warned that if you DON'T, it's a sign of unbelief & spiritual sloth. WHICH IS TRUE.
...
But that bolded line is like a knife to the gut.
THERE'S NO JOY. THERE'S NO DEPTH.
...


"For a scrupulous person who is praying for six hours per day and can’t stop, or for the person who takes 30 minutes to pray before eating or has to repeat prayers multiple times because of making a minor mistake, you need to know that God does not require that of you. You do not need to repeat your prayers when you make a mistake. After you have opened your heart to God and have earnestly asked for your requests, it’s ok to stop. Jesus actually told us not to pray repetitively "like the heathen," who think they will be heard for their “many words” (Matthew 6:7). God is not interested in repetitive speech and “many words.” He is interested in hearing our heart."
1) There are countless stories of saints who WOULD spend HOURS at a time in prayer and Adoration DAILY, doing vigils & severe mortifications & keeping fasts as well. It's a VERY HIGH BAR that is set. EVEN NOW there are religious orders who pray six hours every day!!
2) We've actually timed our meal prep stages. At least 30m is indeed spent on notably compulsive prayer, interspersed with distressing cleanliness rituals that we repeat uncontrollably.
3) THE "CORRECTIVE REPETITION" IS THE WORST. We sound like a skipping CD sometimes, helplessly restarting the same sentence over and over because we "can't get it right", sometimes for SEVERAL MINUTES. And if we try to move on anyway, we FEEL the panicked moral terror of sin, of CHOOSING to be CARELESS with prayer. We FEEL God staring hard at us in dire warning, silently ordering us to rethink our poor decision, or else. The fear is choking.
4) INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS ARE WORSE. They cause a LOT of the repetitive correction.
5) How can you say God doesn't require it? Everything else requires repetition when a mistake is made! Music, cleaning, exercise, speeches, et cetera. Prayer is NOT exempt, especially because it is MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL.
6) Protestant prayer is apparently VERY DIFFERENT from Catholic prayer. I'M NOT MAKING REQUESTS.
7) ...but have I opened my heart to God in my prayer? Has He heard my heart speaking, or just my anxious mind?
...I think that depends on who's fronting.
...