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HAPPY FEAST OF SAINT JUDE & SAINT SIMON!!
Gotta read about them in BACE to celebrate

Woke up at 620, took meds, couldn't sleep, went to couch.
Purposely Slept past alarm. Couldn't even find strength to wake up until 845 solely because we were SO EXHAUSTED AND IN PAIN.

Mom called, SHE'S GIVING US THE CAR FOR CEMETERY SUNDAY OH THANK YOU GOD, SERIOUSLY
We get to run to Mass today! GOOD, WE NEEDED TO GO TO CONFESSION.
Already prepared it on paper. Thanks Holy Spirit

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VOTD = possibly the last one from the Bible Project. We're so profoundly grateful for this past week from them.
Reflecting on what it means for God to be FAITHFUL.
Hebrew word "emet" means faithfulness AND truth.
"Emet can refer to correct ideas or concepts, because it has to so with stability and reliability." Example: MOSES PRAYING, his hands being held up by others made his hands "emet"= steady! "When used of people, it describes loyal & stable character, which is trustworthiness." Example: Moses appointing for judges only people "of emet," who wouldn't take bribes or distort justice.
⭐"To say that God is "full of emet" doesn't just mean that He tells the truth, or stands for the truth. It means that God is faithful, trustworthy, just, reliable, upright"... this is why we call God a ROCK= because we can TRUST GOD TO BE CONSISTENT TO HIS CHARACTER!
⭐The Hebrew word for trust-- "he'emin"-- is the verb form of "emet," and it can mean "to believe" or "to have faith", but MAINLY to "consider someone trustworthy." ABRAHAM WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO "TRUST" GOD LIKE THIS. His descendants, Israel as a nation, ALSO "he'emin" God when He delivers them from Egypt-- but when they get to the Promised Land and see the giant occupants, that trust in God's trustworthiness FAILS... until DAVID shows up and defeats Goliath IN THE NAME OF THE LORD. "David "walked IN emet before the Lord"= David considers God to be faithful and RESPONDS in faithfulness!" THIS IS WHY God promises to "raise up a faithful descendant of David whose Kingdom would endure forever"... literally, that his Kingdom would "HAVE EMET." This faithful King "would BECOME the source of trust & stability for others, forever!"
⭐WHEN THE KINGDOM OF ISRAEL COLLAPSES, the people are left without a king or a home, and they mourn to God= "Oh God, WHERE is Your loyal Love that You swore to David IN Your "emet"?" "They are ACCUSING GOD of abandoning His promises to Abraham & to David"-- they accuse God of UNFAITHFULNESS. They are basically asking, "IS God trustworthy? Is He faithful after all?"
⭐THE FIRST LINE OF THE NEW TESTAMENT IS THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION... "This is the lineage of JESUS, THE MESSIAH-- the son of DAVID, the son of ABRAHAM." In other words, "through Jesus, God FULFILLS His Promises." In Romans 15, Paul says, "Jesus came ON BEHALF OF GOD'S FAITHFULNESS." Jesus IS "the Faithful King, Whose Kingdom WILL endure forever, and Who invites ALL nations to TRUST GOD."
+ "Now, trusting anyone is risky. Its hard to know if anyone is "full of emet." BUT the Biblical story portrays a God Who HAS been Faithful ALL ALONG, and Whose Promises were fulfilled in the story of JESUS. And so, as we look out at the obstacles facing us and our world, we are invited to take that same risk, and join Abraham, David, and the people of God, in trusting that God is overflowing with faithfulness."

The whole thing ends in a kaleidoscopic green flower pattern. That feels so right. Green, for us, has always been the color OF Faith, and the simple reality of green plants being "reborn" every spring, and the return of lush summer fruitfulness every year, is also tangible natural proof of God's faithfulness.

The reflection=
"Dependable friends are priceless. When they promise to help and then show up to truly help us, we call them reliable, trustworthy—faithful. Throughout the Biblical story, God is described as faithful because He truly does what He says He will do... we can trust what God says, placing our hope in His promises while believing God will be faithful. God rarely makes good on His promises in the ways that people expect, but He is still faithful to do everything He says He will.
When God takes on human flesh through Jesus, He remains just as faithful and true as He always has been. We hope in Jesus because Jesus IS God-- constantly trustworthy, always faithful. He promises to renew humanity and all creation, and because He is faithful, we can trust Him and embrace deep hope.
⭐When we become weary and heavily burdened from our jobs, relationships, and circumstances, Jesus is faithful to give us rest. When we confess our sins, Jesus is faithful to forgive us. When we live generously with our resources towards others, Jesus is faithful to care for our needs. We have hope in Jesus’ ability to renew everything and to reunite Heaven and Earth, as He promised. We can trust Him because [He is our truest Friend]... He is dependable, trustworthy— faithful."
...
Oh wow, I'm actually struggling with this. That's startling.
Deep down, I DOUBT THOSE STARRED EXAMPLES, in a TWISTED WAY. My brain does "the genie thing." I think, "Yes, He is faithful to give rest, BUT ONLY IF WE'RE WORTHY, and weary from saintly holy exertion. If I'm just weak & tired, then IT DOESN'T COUNT AS WEARINESS OR BURDEN and therefore HE JUSTLY & RIGHTEOUSLY WON'T GIVE ME REST. Instead, He will actually PUSH ME HARDER to make me exhausted in prayer, and THEN He will give me rest... but ONLY JUST ENOUGH, never more than the bare minimum, Because that's ALL I NEED. If I still feel exhausted, that's MY OWN FAULT of ingratitude & greed. It means I'm not yet "Holy enough" TO "find rest in Jesus"-- if I DID, I wouldn't even need to sleep or sit down!! THAT'S WHY JESUS WON'T "GIVE ME REST"-- BECAUSE HE IS TRUE REST, AND HE WILL NOT GIVE ME SOMETHING CONTRARY TO HIMSELF, FOR HE IS TRUTH." In short... no, I don't "trust Jesus" to give me the physical rest my body craves because THAT'S A SIN. You see what I mean?
As for CONFESSION... that's arguably even worse. "DID you ACTUALLY confess your sins?? ARE you sorry?? You KNOW you hid SOMETHING. You're NEVER SORRY ENOUGH. What about your penance-- did you say THAT correctly?? NO, so it DOESN'T COUNT. You'll have to say it THREE MORE TIMES as reparation. OH, BY THE WAY, all those HUGE past sins you can't forget? It's because you DIDN'T CONFESS THEM HONESTLY OR COMPLETELY ENOUGH. You effectively LIED in confession because you FORGOT to admit those little horrific details you still have nightmares & flashbacks about!! That's WHY you get flashbacks & nightmares! AND YEAH, YOU HAVEN'T ATONED FOR ANYTHING. YOU CAN'T MAKE RESTITUTION FOR YOUR ATROCITIES. So NO, you CAN'T EVER BE FULLY FORGIVEN, because if you WERE truly contrite, you'd sell EVERYTHING YOU OWN, down to the last thumbtack in your apartment, to MAKE REPARATION FOR YOUR CRIMES, and then live in ABJECT DESTITUTE POVERTY, with nothing but a Bible and a Rosary to your wretched name! But Since you WON'T, YOU AREN'T PENITENT, AND JESUS WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU."
That exact train of thought HAUNTS ME NONSTOP. I legitimately lose sleep over it regularly. I LITERALLY BELIEVE that I can "TRUST THAT JESUS WON'T FORGIVE ME," because "I'M NOT ACTUALLY SORRY." Nevermind that I frequently weep over my sins so hard I chose. Nevermind those bloody nightmares that remind me constantly of how evil I wish I had never been.
If I take ONE extra slice of carrot after my meal that God DIDNT TELL ME TO EAT, even if I'm just sharing it with my daughter, then not only am I being GLUTTONOUS and IMITATING EVE IN GREED, I'm also IDOLIZING MY CHILD and therefore committing a MORTAL SIN and since I NEVER think to confess it I WILL GO TO HELL. All that from EATING AN EXTRA CARROT SLICE. THIS IS LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE DAY.
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As for "caring for my needs"... look at what I just wrote. WHAT "needs"??? "I don't need ANYTHING BUT GOD, and if I'm not happy with JUST HIM then I'm a DEVIL and I WILL GO TO HELL." But no, I DON'T "NEED" FOOD, or shelter, or more than one pair of clothes, or running water, or a bed, or time to sit down! And I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED a phone, or computer, or books, or blankets, or art supplies, or kitchenware, or any such luxuries!! Besides, you're NEVER GENEROUS ENOUGH with all the luxuries you DO have!! If you WERE, you ALREADY WOULD'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY!!! Are you so afraid to be left with Jesus alone?? You HYPOCRITE. "LET US BE CONTENT WITH FOOD AND CLOTHING!" BUT THAT FOOD IS THE EUCHARIST ALONE, and that clothing SHOULD BE A HABIT!!!
So, yeah, I "trust Jesus to provide for my needs," but that SOLE NEED is the EUCHARIST, so if I have that, HE IS JUSTLY FREE TO ANNIHILATE EVERYTHING ELSE. ...now imagine what this does to my sanity when I CAN'T GET TO DAILY MASS. There is literally no greater terror.
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I need to pause this topic for now. Its getting late and I'm getting very mentally disheveled.
I need to talk to a priest about this ASAP though.

...and I just now realized WHAT the verse of the day is.
2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3:3‬.
"But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one."
"God can be trusted." "God is worthy of trust." "The Lord always does what He has promised." "God is steadfast." "The Lord never lets us down."
And BECAUSE of that, "He will help you to keep on trusting Him." "He will help you to be strong inside yourselves." "He will establish you on a firm foundation," and "protect you, guard you, and keep you safe" from harm, from the bad spirits, from all evil.
THAT IS WHAT GOD PROMISES TO DO... but to whom, in context? That's what my dark fears & doubts say.
"‭The Lord gives us confidence that you are doing what we told you and that you will continue to do it."
...am I though? Am I really? How can I tell? Am I just fooling myself, and trying to fool God as a result?
...I dropped two eggs while typing this. The Lord is very angry with me. I need to stop.


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Matthew Henry at verse 42.
I need to get my head back on straight, and my heart out of the freezing dark. Saint Jude pray for me. Laurie get over here fast.

"Some honour was done to Christ by these rulers: for they believed on Him, were convinced that He was sent of God, and received His doctrine as divine; but they did not do Him honour enough, for they had not courage to own their faith in Him. Many professed more kindness for Christ than really they had; these had more kindness for Him than they were willing to profess. See here what a struggle was in these rulers between their convictions and their corruptions."
Oh that is POWERFULLY PHRASED.
So, faith in Jesus consists in, first, "believing on Him." I've never been sure what "on Him" means-- which greatly distresses me as I've never found a solid explanation. A quick Google search gave me this well-meaning but skewed opinion=
"Believing IN Jesus Christ means that you believe that He exists, believing ON Jesus Christ means having faith and trust in Him."
Yes but why "ON"?? How does that MAKE the distinction, when Scripture itself, even JESUS HIMSELF (John 14:1), uses "believe IN" to refer to REAL FAITH??
Honestly, going humbly by my own intuition, "believe ON" means "casting all my cares upon Him," as both 1 Peter 5:7 AND Psalm 55:22 declare, "because He cares for you." THAT'S the "ON."
Oh hey, actually, HERE'S the "on," IN GREEK=
"1909 epí (a preposition) – properly, on (upon), implying what "fits" given the "apt contact," building on the verbal idea... epí ("upon") naturally looks to the response (effect) that goes with the envisioned contact, i.e. its apt result ("spin-offs," effects)." ... "used after verbs expressing motion to indicate the rest following the motion... figuratively used of that upon which anything rests."
WELL HEY, THAT EXPLAINS IT.
To believe "on" Jesus means our belief is the "place of contact" between Him and us-- therefore forging a connection, a relationship, whereupon we rest in Him, which CANNOT HAPPEN WITHOUT TRUST. It's BAKED IN.
...by the way, the first time we see the preposition "upon" in Scripture, is in the very second verse. "The Spirit was upon the face of the waters". I think that speaks volumes in and of itself.
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...okay I need to paste this entire next paragraph, bit by bit, because it is the EXACT CONSOLATION I needed after this morning.
"See the power of the Word in the convictions that many of them were under, who did not wilfully shut their eyes against the light."
My immediate fearful thought is, "but HAVE I willingly shut my eyes to God's Word?? How do I know I'm not fatally, stubbornly blinded & fooling myself into thinking I can see??" This tells you how you know-- because YOU ARE CONVICTED BY THAT WORD. You are actually CONSTANTLY convicted. And as long as you DON'T SHUT THAT DOWN, then no, you're not willingly blind. Convictions of sin & inclination to it-- this terror you have OF sinning-- you wouldn't have those if the Word of God wasn't shining its Light into your darkest corners, and if you weren't genuinely UNwilling for them TO be dark. You're scared of all the filth that's being revealed by the sunlight, but you're keeping the blinds open, by choice.

"They believed on Him, as Nicodemus did-- received Him as a teacher come from God."
Don't you dare even ask "but DO I??' because those fearful protests are IGNORING THE EVIDENCE. Literally everything in my mind & heart immediately agree & consent that Jesus "IS FROM GOD" the very instant such a belief is inquired after. EVEN IF my unbelieving & idolatrous brother would say, "Jesus was just an enlightened human," I would naturally protest, without ANY doubt, "NO, Jesus is GOD." I literally can't deny that. I just have to make sure I DEFEND IT, even against indirect attacks.

"The Truth of the Gospel has perhaps a better interest in the consciences of men than we are aware of. Many cannot help but approve of that in their hearts which yet outwardly they are shy of. Perhaps these chief rulers were true believers, though very weak, and their faith like smoking flax."
Let me briefly quote Spurgeon.
"“The smoking flax shall He not quench,” is a text for you timorous, desponding, feeble-minded, and yet true-hearted believers, and you may appropriate it to yourselves. May the Holy Spirit help you so to do! ...A smoking flax represents a state in which there is a little good. The margin is “dimly burning flax.” It is burning; but it is burning very dimly. There is a spark of good within the heart. You, my dear friend, have a little faith; it is not much bigger than a grain of mustard seed, but faith of that size [still] has great power in it."
I too am that pitiful smoking flax. My faith is so feeble it can barely even be recognized as faith. But appropriate this to yourself, for heavens sakes. There's STILL A FIRE IN YOU YET. Even if it's been stomped down to a sputtering ember, it hasn't gone out, and JESUS WON'T PUT IT OUT. In fact, I think He will stoke that fire. There is very little goodness in you; hardly any, in fact... but that means that if Jesus flares that spark to blazing, the glory will be HIS, and thanks be to God for such a mercy!! Just don't miss the point. Jesus isn't doing it just to show off. He's doing it because He refuses to let you die. He sees your timorous, desponding, feeble-minded heart, still burning with all it's got to give, and His Own Heart responds with overwhelming compassion by pouring its Own Fire into yours. After all, Who do you think lit your poor flax in the first place, decades ago? It's a miracle you're even smoking at this point, and you can thank His mercy for that, too... because whether you realized it or not, that flame of faith He ignited wasn't lit by some little match or lighter-- no, it was transferred DIRECTLY FROM HIMSELF. So it CANNOT GO OUT, UNLESS IT LEAVES... and as long as you refuse to give up, then even if all you have the strength left to hold is a spark, it won't leave. There is still great Power in that spark. There is still real Life in that seed. The Gospel has a better interest in your convicted conscience than you realize. Your faith may be weak, but by grace, it is still true.

"It may be, there are more good people than we think there are. Elijah thought he was left alone, when God had seven thousand faithful worshippers in Israel. Some are really better than they seem to be. Their faults are known, but their repentance is not; a man's goodness may be concealed by a culpable yet pardonable weakness, which he himself truly repents of. The kingdom of God does not come in all with a like observation; nor do all who are good have the same faculty of appearing to be so."
...I never would have dared to dream this hope was legitimate. But here it is.
Maybe I'm better than I seem to be, too.
I know I'm the "odd one out" in church, that's obvious. I will probably never look like a "traditional Catholic girl," as that sort of presentation would be not only dishonest & dangerous for me but also pretentious & proud. I'm built differently, I speak differently, I'm not called to marriage or motherhood and I've never been included or accepted by other biological females, even as a child. But that doesn't invalidate my hopes for holiness??? Are you honestly, sincerely suggesting that even I'm still just the stupid ugly weirdo androgynous poor kid who dares to show their stubbled face in church, I can STILL become a saint???
But that's just mere physical appearance, as wretched as it is! I don't look like a good person at all, and looked straight-up like a hoodlum in the old days, but that's nothing compared to the state of my soul! (Who the heck is typing this??? Is that Tilly???)
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Finish this later; phone typist thriskefoni are in a very unhealthy, morbidly sin-focused & subtly boastful state of mind. We have to admit that. All this self-abusive talk is actually seeking a response. It's not pure in humility or glorifying God. So pause this, pray & clear your head, and type later with God's guidance.
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Some brief notes for what our heart truly feels moved to say by this :
Our past haunts us. Our faults are very clearly & painfully known by others, who were outright wounded by our sins, just as Christ was. Those injured souls don't know we are sorry. They don't know how much we have, by the grace & mercy & violent intervention of God, actually changed for the actual better. And honestly, even if they did hear of it, they would be completely justified in rejecting the news as a ludicrous lie. That's how bad we were; that's how badly they were hurt. We admit this. We contritely accept that response. And yet... the reality still includes our repentance, too. The understandable inability of an offended party to believe that new truth doesn't make it untrue. And that's our hope, anchored in God alone, moving onward into a brighter yet still aching future. Wounds linger, and must be healed; a change of heart doesn't magically remove them, in others or in ourselves... but at least now we're not tearing them back open again. At least now we aren't inflicting any more.
..."culpable yet pardonable weakness." What a novel concept. I don't think it truly existed before Christ.
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Do we truly repent? Yes, yes we do. I don't know where the insistent denial comes from; it seems hellbent-- pun intended-- on refusing to even allow the possibility of redemption, of holy sorrow, of atonement & transformation. It denies contrition altogether. It wants to keep us trapped in coldness of heart, in apathetic despair, in merciless self-damnation.
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"See the power of the world in the smothering of these convictions."
Well THAT'S a TERRIFYING opening line.
I mean it. That's why I isolated it. Let the horror of that statement sink in. The mortal world, the devil's realm, superimposed on creation and operating on lies-- that world, in which we all live even as Christians, has a real & demonic power to smother a man's conscience. It's just like in the movies-- Satan holds a pillow over your head until you die from the inability to breathe. What fluffy, comfy, soft & soporific pleasures are you burying your face in-- the face that is supposed to be turned towards the Son, awake to the Light? Have you buried your Head under a mountain of luxury? And what about the Spirit, the Ruach, the Breath of God? Are you letting Him in, or is there too much featherdown in the way? How smothered are your soul's convictions? Is your body dreaming too deeply to care?


"Observe, wherein they failed and were defective; They did not confess Christ. There is cause to question the sincerity of that faith which is either afraid or ashamed to show itself; for those who believe with the heart ought to confess with the mouth."
This is such an interesting "parallel" to the other truths that "faith without works is dead," and "love proves itself by deeds." Even so, the voice is the only thing that can make a confession. Works and deeds are needed, absolutely, but if you don't give them the backbone they need with your words-- if you don't give them the foundation of testimony to the truth that will elevate them to a higher level of purpose-- then you are still insincere. Your faith and love are still arguably "defective," because you won't speak of them.
This is like being married, and always taking care of your spouse, running errands, doing chores, buying gifts, et cetera... but never saying "I love you", and never admitting to others that you're married. Do you see how jarringly wrong that is? It's not just hypocritical, it's practically sacrilegious. It's the exact same thing with our faith and love for God. You can "be a good Christian" all you want; if you won't own the name, if you won't admit that you're in that relationship, then are you really a Christian at all? Think about it, because you're in that exact sinking boat, you duplicitous fool.

"What they feared: being put out of the synagogue, which they thought would be a disgrace and damage to them; as if it would do them any harm to be expelled from a synagogue that had made itself a synagogue of Satan, and from which God was departing. What was at the bottom of this fear? They loved the praise of men, chose it as a more valuable good, and pursued it as a more desirable end, than the praise of God; which was an implicit idolatry, like that of worshipping and serving the creature more than the Creator."
To us, this refers to our old idolatrous "places of worship"-- our "fallen temples." In the past, we had a LOT "to lose" by even considering Christ, let alone owning Him-- we would have been expelled from the artistic crowd we idolized, from the queen community we honored, from the relationships we worshipped, from the addictions we served day & night. We would have had to "put out" our OWN beliefs to accommodate His Presence; we would have had to "excommunicate" our own dreams & wants & goals if we submitted to His Law instead of our own. We had EVERYTHING to lose... but only because it was all doomed to be lost anyway. Christ made that VERY clear starting in 2010, when slowly but surely & suddenly He began to completely demolish & devastate ALL of the "false gods" and their temples in our life. And really... what an act of astounding mercy that was. You do realize that He refused to excommunicate US from HIS Temple? He could have easily left us in our false church, in our palace of lies, knowing full well that one day it would collapse and kill us. Instead, He condemned it and began dismantling it Himself, bit by bit, giving us both the time to escape its doom AND the ability to SEE just how rotten the foundations were.
The awful thing still isn't entirely gone, yet. There are a few shambled rooms barely standing, old locations of idol-worship that I, admittedly, keep wandering over near and glancing at, like maybe I could salvage something. Nope, don't you even dare, it's ALL UNDER THE BAN. Leave it alone. It's only death and you know it. Now I need to fully "move into" the Basilica of the King, which is nowhere near that old ruin, and which is more beautiful than anything I've ever imagined. THAT is where I am being welcomed into, as my new home and place of worship... but I need to OWN IT FIRST.
In conclusion: don't be afraid. There's nothing back there for you.
And yet, I struggle. Let me drop the metaphor and move on to the fear at the foundation-- let me confess why I am still failing to fully confess my Lord.
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(Discuss "group acceptance" tempting; Tumblr mostly, shockingly! Why is this such a loud temptation now?? Is it because we lost our friends & our family shattered & we feel completely unmoored & unseen & unwanted??)
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"They set the praise of men in one scale, and considered how good it was to give praise to men, and to pay a deference to the opinion of the Pharisees, and receive praise from men, to be commended by the chief priests and applauded by the people as good sons of the church, the Jewish church; and they would not confess Christ, lest they should thereby derogate from the reputation of the Pharisees, and forfeit their own, and thus hinder their own preferment. And, besides, the followers of Christ were put into an ill name, and were looked upon with contempt, which those who had been used to honour could not bear. Yet perhaps if they had known one another's minds they would have had more courage; but each one thought that if he should declare himself in favour of Christ he should stand alone, and have nobody to back him; whereas, if any one had had resolution to break the ice, he would have had more seconds than he thought of."
...oh no, we're extremely guilty of this. What a crushing conviction. And yet, thank God that by His Light we can see where we desperately need grace to change.
Honestly, I think that people who are raised female, and who are caretakers, would be more prone to this. Pleasing people, yielding to their opinions, seeking that "good girl" pat on the head, and making others feel valuable & respected & honored-- all that is LEARNED SURVIVAL BEHAVIOR, EVEN FROM CHILDHOOD. You "HAVE" to prioritize & pander to the perceptions & positions of others, because they're all in power over you, and if you DO upset or offend or oppose or dishonor them, the consequences could be very direct and very permanent.
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Nevertheless, Christ is worth the risk. ALWAYS. That is the ultimate and critical truth that His followers must accept & enact at all costs.
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