091723

 Made it to church!
Congestion made us SING BETTER??? and BEAUTIFUL LOW NOTES thank You God!

Downstairs delay. Impatient because losing Chaplet time. Surrendered and tried to adore Sacrament as best we could.
Oddly drawn to St John Neumann book in narthex? Put it in backpack. Oddly hopeful about it.  I forget what he is the patron saint of;  Maybe we need his intercession right now in our life.
Talked to M.A.P. about the EUCHARISTIC MIRACLE her son had IN OUR CHURCH. Gave us a PHOTO of it!!!! Put it right in our phone case.
Paused. Thinking hard about this.  Told God that we need a Eucharist miracle too, but not a physical one.  That wouldn't do us any good if our heart didn't know what to do with it.  For us the true miracle would be for him to change our heart, To make it open and forgiving and faithful. And we begged him for that; we need that and want that so badly.

Blood sugar stable but felt horrid?
Kept Panicking over tomorrow schedule. Couldn't even pray right.
Martie said our rosary was gorgeous, asked where we got it.
We said GRANDMA got it for us before she died. And that IS the truth. She gets ALL the credit.
Still haunted by guilt though. Disturbed how Tilly feels NONE of it.

Brief dad visit; saw him unpacking & refused to drive past.
Miss him so much.

BK prep DISASTER.
EVERYTHING went wrong.
Probably the dissociation . System absent.

Told God I was angry with Him BUT I KNEW HE WAS GOOD AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE ANGRY. totally honest & raw

SUDDEN MIRACULOUS 180 EMOTIONALLY AFTER???? And System communication turned back on just as suddenly

GREAT & HEAVY devotionals today. Type about

Mary sweetly walking us through cleanup & such. Reassuring & calming. Then ORDERED me to eat because I was neglecting it from anxiety & getting sicker

VOTD video made us doubletake; exactly relevant to this fiasco
Dude has a great speaking manner btw

BK AT 2PM BTW WTF ;________;

Xenophon got 13 CARROT TAILS today haha. Sundays are special; I put em ALL in

BTW windows are open, it's raining, and reading Psalm 91 EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE MORALIMON. OUR HEART IS SO BRIGHT WITH LOVE I COULD CRY.
I feel SO REAL right now. I TOLD you autumn is our springtime!!! This is OUR season of new life!!!

ALSO. At church we realized = AUTUMN IS HEAVEN BECAUSE WE HAVE NO TRAUMA MEMORIES DURING AUTUMN???????
Despite the October trauma anniversaries, THOSE DON'T REGISTER AS AUTUMN????
WE ONLY HAVE AUTUMN MEMORIES FROM CHILDHOOD!!!!!!! FULL STOP! Spring is the SAME WAY.
As an adult FEMALE it's ALL SUMMER.
As an adult MALE it's ALL WINTER.
...


I feared the eggs were ruined today BUT they taste even BETTER?? Even though they're broken, and not "perfect". This is because we surrendered it to God, thank You God for redeeming even our stupid mistakes. It feels strongly relevant to the state of our soul (and body), too.

...

Youversion prayer request distraction.
Too much past thinking. Greatly shook us, lost our center & sense of time/self.  Of course we still want to pray for them but it's so hard when we're depersonalized From that whole time period.
Disturbed by self-state "body memory" they trigger. Feels very wrong.

...

Just stumbled across something sickeningly disturbing while researching a commentary reference =
""If the cubs themselves behave strangely, that might be a reason for animals to eat their offspring," Huck told CNN, citing illness or developmental issues as possible causes. "If their infant doesn't respond as an infant should do, it's not recognized as an infant and therefore the maternal instinct doesn't kick in. It is more likely in captivity because there are more factors that would contribute. It is well known that if animals in captivity are stressed, they are more likely to eat their cubs.""
I'm wondering if THAT garish fact applies to US, AND OUR TERROR OF FEMININITY & SXUALITY.
We can easily & heartily feel paternal affection towards people. We did in church. But motherhood feels WRONG, notably as something DISGUSTINGLY PROMISCUOUS.
That's not right. But it's our immediate & potent gut response.

All day schedule scrambling
Called mom right when we started breakfast
Mom called right when we started dinner
Crying from confused helpless exhaustion to God
BUT GOT LIGHTS!!!! Thank the Lord

8pm dinner. We're wrecked. After we pray, we're robably just gonna watch Porco Rosso tonight; no strength to do much else.

Changed the Hour of Honor reminder music to "Bells for Her". No longer triggers stress-anger.

Jade call again late night.

So exhausted. Dead tired. No energy.