090423

It's not that I don't believe in the Real Presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist-- it's that I'm SCARED to admit His HUMANITY Present in it???
Like, I DO believe that He is there. I believe that He is giving Himself to us as food, in the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar.
But... I struggle to admit that He is there AS A HUMAN PERSON, that He isn't just there as a "spiritual Presence," by imparting His soul into the bread; I struggle to admit that the Bread BECOMES HIS HUMAN BODY.
I am, admittedly, scared, because it means that if HE is Present as a human, then I am present as a human to Him.
Communion becomes physical. It becomes human.
And I am TERRIFIED of my own humanity.

This is a huge realization.
I want to have a stronger Eucharistic faith so badly, but this is THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE.

Today's devotion also said this:
"the only limitation is our weakness of faith, OR lack of confidence in His almighty Love."
I LACK THAT CONFIDENCE.
I STILL believe that, when I'm running to church, "the most loving thing He CAN do for me IS to let me get robbed/ beaten up/ assaulted!" WHY DOES THAT REGISTER AS "LOVE" FOR ME??? It's because, in my mind, I am so evil that giving me such punitive suffering would be the KINDEST thing ANYONE can do for my corrupted soul. Beat me up until I'm good again.
That is childhood upbringing. That is literally our ancient pain-addiction brought surreptitiously into the present.


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ran to church
BLACKED OUT for almost the whole thing.
barely remember mass because panicking over having to run back.

THIS IS FORCING US INTO NEAR-PERPETUAL SOCIAL MODE
GOD THAT WILL KILL US WHAT DO WE DO


however. bizarre gold lining.
THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS "WAKING UP"???? DUE TO BEING FORCED TO BE OUT AND DEALING WITH NEAR-CONSTANT PANIC & TRIGGERS????
THEY'RE STARTING TO TALK TO EACH OTHER?????
THEY'RE AWARE OF UPSTAIRS??????
DUDE THIS IS LIKE WHEN THE RETRIBUTORS WOKE UP
GOD IF THIS IS YOUR DESIGN THEN I BEG YOU GIVE US THE GRACE TO ENDURE THE SHEER STRESS THAT IS ENABLING THIS TO OCCUR

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