days lately

quick notes for easter triduum.

holy thursday:
stayed at church from 7 to 11pm.
helped move all the flowers.
showing the other people our holy medals? felt like we "should" to "make conversation." felt so invasive and wrong. still haunted by guilt and shame over it. people giving us weird looks. we said "we never take it off" and there was disgust?
please type about this it is ruining our psyche


good friday.
3pm service. remember we ate breakfast late so we got there for 240, not earlier like we wanted. no memory of this though.
prayed by the jesus statue for a bit. always remembering 2012.
stayed after service and did our holy hour prayers.


holy saturday.
felt like a tomb. feel like this was a rough day for some reason.
slept in. sent wrong alarm. missed mental health meeting.
worked out in our favor though, we were exhausted, and still had barely any gas in the car to attempt the trip.
went to easter basket blessing at qota. got a very harsh look from some woman in a pew when we walked in. mortified. felt like such an impostor. father ps was so kind to us though. he always is, god bless him.
i think we ate around 2pm? no memory of ANYTHING from noon until 7pm for the record.
sang the vigil mass! 
personal heart resonance with "lucernarium" as a name in some sense? still lingering now. look into that. maybe moralimon relevance.
watching the fire was a transcendent experience. some guy brought cedar sticks for kindling. we were watching the color of the fire, realized it's not red as typically portrayed, but it's this very pale luminous orange, EXCEPT when you just watch it jump there are FLARES OF MAGENTA. not red, but a wonderfully fitting HOT PINK. stunning. watching this on the front steps with the soft indigo sky and delicate white flowers, the scent of the woodsmoke that we love so much, the last kiss of winter chill in the air... it was really a moment of heaven. easter indeed.


easter sunday.
mass from 7am until 1pm YEAAAAH BOY honestly we love this every year.
immediately after went to visit dad briefly
...
HORRIFIC EVENING. expected this. grief/trauma kickback from last year.
...
went to bed almost in tears. why is it when we have the most beautiful and religiously-charged mornings, our evenings are literally nightmarish? please i hope it's just spiritual warfare, and not "punishment for being a hypocrite/ proof that we're really secretly evil" etc.


easter monday
VERY VERY rough day.
i barely remember it. all i know for sure is that we could not stop throwing up whenever we tried to eat or drink.
honestly it felt like our body was so shaken from all the stress of the past week that it just couldn't handle anything else, even just the stress of eating. poor thing.
i know we didn't even get to eat breakfast until like 4pm anyway. not sure why.
remember the white chocolate panic btw.
we wanted to go to bed for 10pm, even earlier, but the body was so sick and wrecked we ended up crashing on the couch and-- as we usually do when we're that screwed up in the head-- ended up morbidly browsing youtube, watching a sickening mess of both manicially random comedy and disturbingly unsettling apocalypse warnings. all we ended up doing was getting traumatized by youtube ads and hating ourself bitterly for wasting so much time exposing our brain to this cesspool of a culture


easter tuesday
settling down a little bit.
decided to skip choir. too wrecked. panic is so bad lately didn't want to exacerbate it by driving ~35m at night when we're not feeling so hot anyway, and then all that social mode inbetween
too tired to take many notes right now. most important: HUGE TRAUMA TRIGGER FROM SUMMER TWILIGHT. the smells, the colors, the sounds, even turning the fans on, had us SO FREAKING TERRIFIED WE ALMOST CALLED 911 TO 201 OURSELVES. it was that bad. i don't know how we're going to cope.
laurie is very worried about me/us. our triggers are UNMANAGEABLE and UNCOUNTABLE. our reactions are getting progressively more debilitating and frequent. summer is hell the way it is; what do we do when the TIME OF DAY is enough to turn us into a hyperventilating shaking sobbing wreck of a person? what do we do when we black out from fear at the very sound of air conditioning or fireworks or a barbecue grill? why is our mind so fragile and shattered, what happened to us, what in the world was so bad that it has turned our every waking moment into a survival game? what in the world do we do now?

well, laurie says, i can answer that one, you can get our collective ass to bed because we have to be up at 9am for church if you forgot.

also i have to buckle down and remember that this thursday is a CRIPPLING GRIEFBOMB. everyone be aware of that.

until then, laurie's right, we desperately need to sleep.