Apr. 3rd, 2023

prismaticbleed: (angel)


040323

"So the Pharisees said to each other, ‘This is not what we wanted. Look! All the people in the world have left us to go with Him!’" (John 12:19 EASY)

The Pharisees wanted a military king, someone who would drive out the Romans by force & restore earthly glory to the city of Jerusalem... an action which would, in turn, fortify & establish the religious power of the Pharisees. They did not want Jesus, the King of Peace, Who would drive out sin & death, giving glory only to God and His Heavenly Kingdom, stripping all high worldly positions of their pride & power. 
They rejected humility & gentleness, seeking only popular prestige & shows of force. They forsook compassion & mercy, instead practicing cold legalism & inflicting harsh demands.
They did not want His Reign over them. They wanted to rule instead.  

++++++++++++

"Then an exceptionally large crowd gathered and carpeted the road before Him with their cloaks and prayer shawls. Others cut down branches from trees to spread in His path." (Matthew 21:8 TPT)
 
Some immediate thoughts upon reading this:
 
Prayer shawls: worn when ONE ENTERS THE SANCTUARY TO WORSHIP, as Jesus is effectively doing here in a perfected sense; "He Himself IS prayer." The Bible instructed the Israelites to "Look upon these tzitzit [fringed shawls] and you will be reminded of all the mitzvoth (the good things) of God and fulfill them." That is what Christ does to the uttermost: when we look upon Him, we SEE the Goodness of God incarnate, and His Presence IS the fulfillment of God's Laws. Furthermore, His entrance into our "heart-sanctuaries" is what enables us to fulfill those good things as well, through Him. 
 
Cutting down branches: I think of "pruning" in the spiritual sense, as a similar idea. These tall trees sacrifice their leafy limbs FOR CHRIST TO TREAD UPON. It is an act of SERVICE. When we renounce our pride, instead offering our strength & beauty to the Lord, subordinating ourselves to Him, we acknowledge His Kingship & worship Him rightly. We stop "reaching" for gain, we stop "grasping" at status, etc. All of our self-decoration is snapped off. In a way we become stripped, even crippled, in this world, for the sake of the Only One worth anything. 
Also, we are metaphorically placing our "worldly glory" in the dust, beneath His Feet, so that His holiness is honored and NOT "dirtied" by the common road. Again symbolically, this is a "setting apart" of Him, which ultimately ALSO sanctifies us-- because whatever "branches" we break to offer to Jesus in praise, He now uses AS THE ROAD BY WHICH HE ENTERS THE SANCTUARY.
Lastly: Jesus is THE "Branch" from Nazareth; He is the TREE OF LIFE. All other branches & trees of this world, however tall & strong & beautiful, are as dust compared to Him. There's a fitting opposing parallel here, too, in that any branch that is NOT connected to Christ will be trampled underfoot when He comes in His Power. 
 
Lots of depth here. Scripture is beautiful. 
All glory be to God!

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040723

Some bystanders who heard Him said, “He’s calling for Elijah.” One of them ran and got a sponge soaked in sour wine and lifted it on a stick so He could drink. The others joked, “Don’t be in such a hurry. Let’s see if Elijah comes and saves Him.” (Matthew 27:47‭-‬49 MSG)

This is how so many of us treat the anonymous poor & suffering stranger. They cry out for help, but never to us by name-- instead they plead for "somebody" to respond; they weep "God do something!"
So we stand by, separate and stone-hearted, and carelessly comment: "well, let’s see IF God does something."
Sometimes we even ridicule those who respond in His Name, acting as if this is a presumptuous show, an undeserved luxury, even a sinful enablement. "Don't give them any cash, who knows what they'll spend it on!" "I'm not going to waste my time serving them, they should know to feed themselves." "If you would just get a job, you wouldn't HAVE to ask for help!" Or worst of all, "serves you right, for the way you lived." "People like you don't deserve help. You brought this on yourself."
We stand and watch as they slowly bleed out on the cross. Let God save those wretches, we scoff, if they're even worth saving. I'm not going to get my hands dirty, lest they drag me right down with them.
Yet there are others, too, waiting on Elijah. There are those who avert their eyes at the cardboard signs, who covertly slip the donation forms into the trash, who always have something more pressing in their schedule, in their budget, in their hearts. They don't offer any wine, cheap as it is, solely because they might need it themselves one day, or because they don't want to be labeled as the "sponge guy" amongst joking friends, or because I'm really nervous in public, you know? I'm not worthy to do that for someone, you know? I'd probably make things worse, I'd look like a fool, I'd better not do anything if I can't do it perfectly. I have a sense of pride to uphold, you know?
Meanwhile Jesus is dying of thirst.
Stop handing off the burden of love to the saints. Stop excusing your responsibility on the grounds of difficulty, of doubt, of distance, of disgust.
When God appears to have abandoned someone, don't take that assumption as license to leave them that way.
Elijah was just a man like you, after all, before God called him to His service. What if that feeble cry from the Cross is your call, now? Will you end the drought of love in another's life?
Hurry now, for life is fragile, and time is short. Go as God sends you-- to bring even a drop of His oceanic Mercy to each thirsty soul, and so open the floodgates for His infinite grace to flow through you.
Who else are you waiting for?

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040823
 
"One bystander ran and got a sponge, soaked it with sour wine, then put it on a stick and held it up for Jesus to drink. But the rest said, “Leave Him alone! Let’s see if Elijah comes to rescue Him.” (Mark 15:36 TPT)

A startling realization: this bystander ran to offer mercy UPON HEARING JESUS ASK WHY GOD HAD FORSAKEN HIM. The immediacy and nature of the unnamed man's response is GOD'S RESPONSE TO THE CONTRARY. 
"Where charity and love prevail, there God is ever found." When Christ could not feel the spiritual consolation of His Father's Presence, muffled as it was beneath the screaming pain, the consolation was sent on a DIFFERENT level-- the level of the Son's broken Body, on the level which most of suffering humanity was imprisoned within. This simple work of mercy, then, was a sign of God's Presence, veiled most mysteriously yet tenderly, entering into tangible reality through the sympathetic heart of a stranger. 

Most strikingly? Jesus died RIGHT AFTER THIS, by audibly commending Himself INTO HIS FATHER'S HANDS. That little taste of wine, however sour, was still a taste of the Kingdom of Heaven. God was still with His Son, even now, through the changing hearts of the people He was actively dying to make His Own.
Jesus did not die alone, in any sense. God answered His prayer. He will never abandon His Son..  and He answers our prayers, through Him, the same way.

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041123

"There is nobody who hates his own body. Everyone feeds his body and he takes care of it. In the same way, the church is like Christ's body that he takes care of." (Ephesians 5:29 EASY)
 
...This passage highlights why I frequently struggle to understand how Christ could ever care for me, let alone be kind to me: with over two decades worth of abuse, neglect, dysphoria, & eating disorders in my past, I don't know what it's like to NOT hate and fear this body. 
Unless that changes, I fear I will never be able to truly accept my calling to take a place in Christ's Mystical Body. 
This is vital. Pray about it.

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041223


"God said, “Let there be light!” and there was light." (Genesis 1:3 FBV)
 
Christ proclaims, "I AM the Light of the World" (John 8:12), inasmuch as He Is the WORD of God. These two essential titles COEXIST: As the Word That created all things, His FIRST creation was LIGHT-- the perceptible reflection of What He Is. All things came into being through Him; likewise, the viable warmth & brilliance He Spoke first was the catalyst for all other things to become... just as God, the Light of Lights, enables all of Creation to subsist by His Very Presence. 
So, too, God’s Word works in all who hear it, recreating light through the Light within this darkened world, even as His Spirit-- tenderly, powerfully-- hovers over the chaotic waters of our grieving hearts. 

++++++++++++

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after Me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me." (Matthew 16:24 NABRE)

"TO DENY ONESELF IS TO DISOWN ONESELF AS THE CENTER OF ONE'S EXISTENCE"!!!
We must, instead, crown CHRIST as King of our lives, and pledge ourselves as freely willing to die in self-giving love for His sake alone, rather than self-idolatrously surviving for our own fleeting purposes!
 
++++++++++++

""We are being punished fairly. We are getting just what our actions call for. But this man hasn’t done anything wrong.”" (Luke 23:41 NIRV)

Dismas-- himself allegedly a revolutionary-- could SEE the sentence over Jesus's Head: "THE KING OF THE JEWS." And Dismas declares, "This Man has done nothing wrong." Just from watching Christ on the Cross suffering without protest or complaint, just from hearing His bloodied Mouth speak forgiveness & compassion rather than insults & curses, the Good Thief recognized a Goodness beyond anything man could attempt or play at-- especially not within the throes of death. At the same time, this awareness of silent Divinity brought his own brutish weakness into stark contrast. He knew his sins, dark as bloodstains in the light of this sinless One. He knew how much grievance & harm he had caused, as he heard this harmless One comforting others despite His agony. He, finally perhaps, accepted justice against himself. He admitted his disaster of a life. But remember-- this was ONLY possible through grace, through the Presence of God bleeding out beside him. Suddenly Dismas knew, beyond all doubt, that this really WAS the King of the Jews: that His sentence was a coronation, not a condemnation, and although His dying for such a claim was not only undeserved but unjust, He accepted it with astonishing meekness, with a superhuman dignity and honor, even with His broken Body all but reduced to raw meat. Only a King could keep such integrity intact in an execution. Only THE King could face even this excruciating death without fear, knowing that it had no power over His Pure Heart. God would vindicate Him-- the One Who did nothing wrong. 
It is miraculous, that this poor expiring sinner became an eternal herald of that Truth, but even such was inspired through the holy grace of humility. May we all be blessed with equally sincere sight, both of ourselves and of the King! 

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041323
 
"Whoever continually humbles himself to become like this little child is the greatest one in heaven’s kingdom realm." (Matthew 18:4 TPT)

They will be "greatest" because, in their pure, trusting, total dependence on God, it is HE Who will be great IN them!

++++++++++++

“Whoever accepts a little child like this in My Name is accepting Me." (Mt. 18:5 ERV)
 
From the Divine Mercy Novena... "Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon meek souls, upon humble souls, and upon the souls of little children, who are all enfolded in the abode of the Most Compassionate Heart of Jesus. These souls bear the closest resemblance to Your Son"!! 
In this subtly profound statement, Jesus is telling us that HIS SOUL is like that of a little child, and rightly so-- for HE alone IS the Greatest in God's Kingdom, as He is the King! (John 13:12-17)


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041423

"The voice spoke to him a second time: “Stop treating as unclean what God has made clean.” (Acts 10:15 CJB)

This is relevant to my thinking of my soul "as a leper", even after Christ has touched and healed me. He has restored me to communion with Him. Why, then, do I still focus on where the scabs used to be? Why do I struggle to accept my healing? Am I so used to uncleanness being my entire identity, enforced by society? Do I not trust in God's Will TO heal me, to make me clean?

++++++++++++

"The voice spoke to him again, “When God says that something can be used for food, don't say it isn't fit to eat.” (Acts 10:15 CEV)

This verse is a vital reminder to all the real-food fanatics, scrupulous orthorexics, traumatized hypochondriacs, and nutritional psychotics out there. I'm in the struggle with all of you. 
We're not the ultimate authority, God is. We don't even understand our own bodies; how could we possibly inflict such sweeping claims on another? 
We need to stop obsessing, panicking, and seeking shallow perfection. We need to start focusing on God's Heavenly Kingdom, not the torturous & temporal kingdom of diet culture. God will give us the wisdom of peace even in this pervasive war, if we will only prayerfully listen to Him in His Word.

++++++++++++

"And the voice came to him a second time, “What God has cleansed and pronounced clean, no longer consider common (unholy).” (Acts 10:15 AMP)

When we have been purified of sin through Christ and therefore sanctified for God, we are never to call ourselves "common" again-- for we do not belong to the profane world anymore. Yet remember the fullness of this vision: God does not want the world to remain profaned! It is His ultimate desire to gather all peoples up into a united and purified whole, and we, who were graciously called into that hidden Kingdom even now, are just as graciously sent out to bring others in-- those very others we are prone to consider "unholy" even now, Lord forgive us. 
Yes, as Christians, we are never to act in "common" ways, as do those lost souls who do not know, love, or serve God and who therefore tragically remain stuck in their sinful state. Do we fear being "tainted?" This vision scolds us most specifically! If God has made us clean, then it is HIS WILL that we remain clean... and if we trust in Him, nothing can ever revert us. This is the hope offered to all through Christ, Who sends us to preach Him as witnesses despite our unworthiness. 
Yes, we are to tirelessly & tenderly call the "unholy" TO be purified, and sanctified, that the whole world may one day be cleansed and consecrated to the Lord of All. 
May the Lord redefine the "common" man to his true definition, that of a brother in brotherhood-- that of a shared and sacred unity in the Most Holy Body of Christ!

++++++++++++

"And he said to them, You yourselves are aware how it is not lawful or permissible for a Jew to keep company with or to visit or [even] to come near or to speak first to anyone of another nationality, but God has shown and taught me by words that I should not call any human being common or unhallowed or [ceremonially] unclean." (Acts 10:28 AMPC)
I was raised with this exclusionist mentality, and I am ashamed to find its poison still lingering in me, exacerbated by arrogance, fear, prejudice, or disgust. The worst condemnations are the most subtle... the distancing from schizophrenic siblings, the betrayal of pagan friends, the avoidance of sociable neighbors, the antipathy towards anyone that doesn't fit my narrow subconscious box of "safe and proper and good." What nauseating hubris! And yet, it's there. I must admit & confess it. I forget that I was once "one of those people"-- and too often I still am-- a vapid chatterbox, a schmaltzy heathen, an indulgent hedonist, a crazy freak. Et cetera. It disturbs me, how quickly & easily & critically my mind slams down the judge's hammer. 
 
"What GOD has made unclean, you must NEVER consider unclean!"
 
Remember this verse. I must NEVER judge another human being as "common", in alleged contrast to my not-so-redeemed ass-- NO human bring is EVER inferior, or defiled, or unclean, or impure, or unfit, or even unholy, ESPECIALLY NOT compared to myself-- in fact, it is literally the opposite. If ANYONE is corrupt or profaned or useless or crude, it's ME. 
 
Pray hard about this verse. You've got a LOT of learning & healing to do here. 

 

040323

Apr. 3rd, 2023 11:07 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

monday.

730 mass! no memory of anything. dyspnea lingering, that's all i know, because of the "lung weakness"
oh gosh that was this morning? wow today lasted about a week

monthly vitals check after mass. weight stable. still an ugly number, 123. gotta work through that self-prejudice.
then pushed by the spirit to do a holy hour. we were so tired and weak and cold, but our conscience wouldn't let us chicken out. thought of mimic and smiled. decided okay, we'd man up and go.
inside the church it was actually warmer than outside. it was quiet and full of stainedglass light coming in at an angle we hadn't seen before. deeply beautiful.
that place always feels like our heart. everything was red from palm sunday. nobody was there but us. it's the safest place in the world, lately, being there.

breakfast for... i don't know, 11?
we did laundry on a whim. we were getting flashbacks from the "psychic residue" of disturbing events this week that happened while wearing those clothes. washing soft-resets this.
no cash though. had to use our $20 for church. payee says monthly deposit is in tomorrow, so we'll get groceries then too.

after eating, crashed hard, emotionally.
bizarre. felt so coldhearted and numb due to body-image hatred. everything shut down. lost access to headspace. suffocating in that empty nihilism that the "bodygirl fronters" live in, that fueled the bulimic hell.
what got me out of it:
i moved chaos zero's other anchor plush to the couch.
i don't know what happened or how. but i was miserable and grouchy and entirely not myself, almost violent in the muffled rage, but at one point i just took the plush into my arms to have a free hand for the blanket and... the closeness just broke something in me. suddenly there was this rush of sunlight through my chest that hurt. i didn't ask for it, in that mindset i didn't even want it. but i couldn't deny it. it was pure truth.

spent the next 3 solid hours reading holy week scripture plans, catching up on tonight's book club chapters, and repeatedly kissing his anchor plush on the forehead. the wind was coming in through the open window.

i miss the smell of the forest. it wrenches my heart terribly.
yes living in the city here is a cross. genuinely so. but it gives solidarity with all the poor in the world who have never seen forests like i grew up in, with those who live in ragged slums and hyperindustrialized environments.
still looking at the sky. still cherishing that one line of trees a few blocks away. still loving that single huge oak outside my window.

last book club.
lady tearing up as it ended. thanked me several times. ANOTHER person to tell me "you need to be like a motivational speaker for the faith" etc. i say this with humble gratitude for her kindness. just somewhat perplexing to hear it so often. lord what do i do with this? is that what you really want me to do? please lead me in the right direction if it is.

confession.
went to a priest i'd never seen before.
kept telling me "you need to deal with the psychological aspect of this" yes dear i know. i say that with absolute affection. i really respected the fact that he told me so, because honestly, i've been ignoring the fact that dude! you do need legit psychological help with this stuff!
gave me an astounding penance.
"you need to let others love you, the way God loves you, and calls you to love yourself"
basically, knock the walls down. let the light in. open your heart.
the softness and vulnerability terrifying. everything in "me" lately responds to closeness, affection, and (God forbid) attraction with violent bloody rage. it's all based in self-hatred and dysphoria terror: wanting to destroy this body, this non-self, out of choking hysterical fear, and the accompanying revulsion at the mere idea of anyone liking it in contrast.
...

xenophon being adorable as always
God i love her so much, thank you for her

brief flipping through old entries
saw a mention of xennie from 2011, when we first found her, and her gender was indeterminate: "And maybe this little guy, whatever he is, is the start of something. I hope so."
buddy she was the start of everything. she was the beginning of everything, all over again. remember her virtue is rebirth. remember her metainomen is the maiden of blood-- the young and pure and innocent new creation, the life out of death out of life. the one who belongs to you, and you to her. she is the start of everything, even now.
no matter how dark the days are, no matter how frightening the nights are, when i see her, there is a light. she brings my heart back to being. she reminds me of who i really am. her father. i love her. and i would bleed every drop from my veins all over again, for her sake, God knows i mean it, God help me feel it...

still going in circles with so much. but we're drawing that line kiddo!! we're transcending the closed loop!! pointing up and out to the very heavens!!

late night, stupidly got distracted reading articles on cultural masculinity & body image & transgender assimilationism & such.
sickened by the world. sickened by the absolute absence of God in every article I read, except for the lone condemnation. grief.

1111. promised cz i'd be with him.
see you tomorrow.



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