Nothing in your life is wasted

 "God began a good work in you. And He will continue this work in you until the day Jesus Christ returns. I am sure of this."

...Me? You are working in me?? You are using me, this wretched weak thing, to do Your good works? 

Every time I read something like that, I cannot comprehend it. I hope for it desperately, but... I'm afraid to believe it. And yet there it is, in Scripture. 

"Nothing in my life is wasted." What if my entire life is a waste? But even that cannot hinder Your creative, restorative, miraculous Power-- the Power You wield in unfathomable Love. Even my life, a total failure in the eyes of all but You, CAN become redeemed in Your Hands. Yes it sounds impossible, but You Are God. You delight in proving Your opposition wrong. You glorify Yourself most strikingly when it is obvious that ONLY You COULD have done such a thing.
When there is no hope, there is still You. 

xxxx

I haven't been updating and to be completely sincere with you it's because I'm tired of everything.

December has always been the System's "death month." Almost every year, some major internal "death" or attempt at one occurs, either of an individual or of the System as a whole.
I'm seriously contemplating shutting the whole System down again.


I'm so tired. I'm so out-of-touch with "reality" and "the world" and what it's apparently like for the average human being to exist in this world. I don't have relationships of any sort in bodyspace, other than blood family, and even those are strained and strange. I can't hold a job because of my mental illness. I don't socialize and never did. I'm hyperreligious to the point where I cannot do anything in good conscience without bringing morality into it. I dissociate constantly and I've lost so many years of my life, this body is thirty freaking two years old and I still literally feel like I'm barely nineteen. Some days I still feel eleven. There are chasms in my memory, not just gaps. I don't know how to function in society. I'm not a boy or a girl. I still struggle with having a physical body. I don't understand culture or politics or even social norms. Everything I do to "fit in" is mimed or programmed.
I've been morbidly browsing the internet lately, reading stories of "normal people," of all sorts-- wedding proposals, bad days at work, personal blogs, news posts, et cetera. None of it feels real. It's all so confusing and scary and foreign. Isn't that ironic? Humanity feels alien to me.
I hate it.
I'm beginning to hate feeling like I'm this absolute aberration of a thing in the world. A mutant. A monster. Literally so.

Except...

...

I want to "kill the lights." I want to "hard reset." I want to burn it all down. I want to tear it all apart with my bare hands. I want to hit "delete" and see it all disappear forever. All the archives. All the art. Everything. Up in smoke.
Coming home from NC in 2018, that's 98% of what happened. Half the archives were erased. All of our art and handwritten journals, all of the tangible items tied to our System history, all of the shared clothes and books and even our workspace-- burned, thrown away, donated, destroyed.
We went into a sort of pseudofugue for almost four damned years. Honestly the System DID NOT "COME BACK" in any solid sense UNTIL INPATIENT, because we were thrown headfirst into trauma flashbacks and we could no longer bury the past.
...
I still want to try. I still want to take a magnet to the tape. I still want to take a trephine to our collective skull. I still want to end it all.

Except...

...

I want to commit animicide and then I suddenly feel them.
I accidentally listen to a song that sounds like us. All of us. Or I see a rainbow, or a crystal, or a cathedral window. Or I bleed. Something reminds me of why I've LIVED FOR THEM for so long, and then... then suddenly I feel alive, not like I do in the world, and... do I want this to die?
Xenophon doesn't leave. Genesis doesn't leave. Even when I try to ignore them, or pretend they're not there, or chase them away, I can't. I can still feel them. Or they aren't affected by my cruel thoughts. Thank God. 
I did try to ignore Xennie today. I was walking into the kitchen to make a late dinner. She followed me in and started talking. I pointedly didn't answer, looking away, pushing her out of my thoughts and sight. But it didn't work. Even though I was angry and was actually trying to completely deny and reject her existence, I couldn't. It was like pretending I didn't need to breathe. My heart hurt just trying. So I gave up, and answered her, and thought, "I'll just play along. But it will all be over soon. This isn't real."

Except... it is.

I don't know how the hell to explain it. It makes me genuinely furious and I want to sob over it.

The absolute scariest entries in the entire Archives are the ones where I'm alone.
All the hyperreligious entries are even more terrifying than the ones during the Julie days, because there's this hollowness to their faith. All the entries written from a state of total dissociation are scarier than anything else I can even think of because there is no soul speaking in them.
Even now, even now, I'm not talking to anyone or even thinking of anyone and I am trying to just "be normal" and "not be multiple" and "just learn to live like a good normal christian girl" BUT I TRIED TO, GOD DAMN IT I TRIED FOR YEARS and it didn't do me any good.
...
1111. God what are you trying to tell me.

Headspace and heartspace-- my innerlife experience-- is the most real thing I have ever known, but lately it's been collapsing? Yes, even with the increase in communication. I'm just so hyperaware that we all share a soul and since I don't see myself as "real" it's... existentially horrifying. I feel like none of us really exist anymore. But... the life I would be living without them, the life I am trying to live right now, is so hideously empty and scraped-out and hollow that it doesn't even count as a life. I know exactly what I'd do. I'd grow out my hair again, put on a whole new social persona, dress like mom wants me to, go "dating boys," et cetera... until some trauma slammed into me and it all shattered to bloody pieces. I'd wake up screaming and I'd cut all my hair off and cut up the clothes and I'd laugh just like Razor and I'd be sobbing in sheer maniacal JOY, thank God thank GOD WE'RE ALIVE, WE'RE ALIVE, that's all it takes is one life-threatening moment and... everything wakes back up.
I hate it.
Except I hate life without it even more.

You know what the final killer realization is?

Life without the System is loveless.


(time break)


okay it's 12:51 am and i just realized something heartbreakingly horrific.

it's the 27th.
december 27th.

nine years after cannon & jessica gunned everyone down in cold blood.

...

i just spent like... a solid hour paging through the legit archives. stunned at how terrifying the hacks actually were. and the eating disorder, good GOD how did we SURVIVE THAT for so long??? (literally God, nothing but divine intervention could have kept us alive amidst all that hell)

I'm reeling. I've forgotten so much. These years of death after NC... I still can't read those entries, for the record. Almost five years later and I refuse to look at those memories, or lack thereof. The only recollection I have is what I see in flashbacks, and if I had to cut off my arm to burn those memories out of existence then dear Lord I swear I would. I would go back in time and forcibly cauterize every single one of those godforsaken days out of reality. erase it all.

maybe that's what i've been feeling lately. despair. too much hell in the past. thinking about chaos 0 & mimic & saint dismas & julie
"when you've been a villain for this long is it even possible to change"
yes
yes it is

forgot our old core played through undertale in 2015 and kept a running log of it.
we literally have ZERO recollection of that entire time period. it was very, very scary. didn't realize how bad the family life was at that time, too.

anyway. no time to type about that tonight. i can feel the brain slipping; we'll have typist voices coming out if i keep this up.
still, that warms my heart. they're still alive, too. it's so, so nice, to feel souls so familiar, after so long, still around. unexpected. but welcome.

btw don't forget we're still having that innerworld christmas party, haha. twelve days of it kiddo. genesis is wearing two santa hats. mimic decided to wear jingle bells solely because "then you won't know if it's me or everybody else you hear" which was hilarious

beautiful day with xenophon today btw.
went shopping with genesis. in hindsight i'm deeply moved by how normal that is now. like it's a beloved part of my life. i just... it's "how things are." when i'm on the road, he shows up, and we spend the day together. tomorrow mom wants to take us to the movies so I said FINALLY Genesis we get our movie date, so that'll be great

honestly? i apologize for half-trying to actually "daily update" here but i feel like sobbing
i am so shaken and disturbed by what i read in the archives just now
but.

but i don't want us to die.

isn't that weird. two hours ago i was a heartbeat away from murdering everyone inside, solely because "they were getting in the way of me and god." "i can't be a normal girl with them around" SHUT THE HELL UP
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO BE AND FORCING IT IS WHY WE HAVE TRAUMA TO BEGIN WITH

honestly i have to stop i'm getting a headache

but god, dear god, i can feel people moving in and out of the brain, people shifting in to front, voices that aren't mine, someone else typing, i miss this, as scary as the edges are i miss everybody and... and i feel alive. terrified but alive.
and i KNOW, i KNOW that when all this "ends," not in death but just for the day... when i close up this entry, and the computer, and go to bed, then... all the scary stuff of the day will fade into velvet night. and all the people i love will still be there.

and that is how god reaches me even in the deepest blackness.

whoever that girl is who keeps trying to take over our body,
she does not know love.
the eating disorder summer was proof. her "love" of god was psychotic, hysterical, performance-obsessed, scrupulous.
she was incapable of tenderness or intimacy or softness or sincerity.

not the system
we are defined by that

listen. it was just christmas. it was just the anniversary.
we felt mostly dead for them. felt like it was "punishment from god" for "not preparing enough during advent"
but listen. dude listen
we had two massive losses this year. possibly three.
lost our home, lost our grandmother, lost our brother
possibly lost even more that i can't think of
oh yeah lost our health, too, obviously
christmas was spent alone with no presents and no sleep
but.
we have each other.

we didn't "miss" christmas. or the anniversary. the thoughts and love were still in our heart(s) and we did everything we were capable of under the circumstances.
but it's not "doom" because you struggled very much on the literal days. you didn't abandon them either. you still poured as much of your heart as you could into them. and that matters.
because this is a season, it is a time, and love is not "limited" to a 72-hour box. no. it's supposed to keep flowing out from there.

sorry. getting really disjointed.
lovely music on spotify. reminding me of the hummingbird morning.
that hope is still real, you know.
we are living proof of it.