120322

(written on 120722; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)



December 3rd, Saturday.
1088 steps on the pedometer, so we were home.

...Camera roll shows a photo of a "spiritual warfare" book for kids. I remember this.
We went to mass with mom in the evening, and afterwards the dude who does the funeral cleanup (he has the most eccentric mustache) was talking to mom in the lobby, and his mother had that book? She was going to give it to the CCD teachers. I remember piping up that it was definitely important to let kids know that yes, spiritual warfare is REAL, and the devil absolutely targets children, which we see explicitly in today's culture.
...Mom ended up traumadumping. It broke my heart.
A few things she said struck hard. The biggest one was, "I feel like God is punishing me, with all the struggles I have with my kids. It's like He's saying, "well, YOU wanted them so badly, now you have to PROVE that you're WORTHY of being their mother!""
...She always brings up the gender issues with 3/4 of us, the mental illnesses, the social ineptitude, the lack of common milestones, the general fact that we robbed her of a normal average life by being sick and weird. And she sees it as GOD PUNISHING HER FOR WANTING KIDS AND GOING THROUGH HELL TO GET US HERE. Like she literally ALMOST DIED EVERY TIME she had a kid. She was encouraged to abort the twins. She adamantly refused all opposition, was bedridden and pumped full of drugs & hormones for months, hemorrhaged way too much, and was cut open six ways to Sunday several times when her body just couldn't deliver naturally. And we all turned out freakish, I guess. Not physically malformed or mentally handicapped, no-- that's not true deformity. Our brains are screwed up. We're all queer and insane, basically. And she sees that as divine chastisement.
...This isn't about me. Except it is. It's about me AND my siblings AND my mom, AND our religion, and it REALLY HURTS and it's REALLY FRIGHTENING to see this constant war with God in our household, focused around things we can't seem to change or turn off or ignore.
...


Breakfast was at noon, and had added sunchips & a chicken nugget, probably to even out macro ratios.
It also thanks SPICE for "keeping everyone safe," the first day she is mentioned in the log!

"Lunch" is... at 19:56. AGAIN. No wonder we had a hell week with food; we were going like 8 HOURS fasting every day, eating when we should be getting ready for bed, AND doing so after SOCIAL OVERWHELM and LOTS OF STRESS. So it was a recipe for disaster.
Dinner was normal, but it mentions the "vanilla fudge" again and I KNOW for a fact that The Destroyer showed up and "got rid of it." We felt awful about it-- we had wanted to save that piece for mom's sake-- but it was labeled as such a "threat" that it was deemed too dangerous to keep.

...