a prayer for a generous spirit

 

God, thank You for always giving me what I truly need, exactly when I need it. Thank You for always caring about my needs to begin with, for keeping an eye on me on that respect, and meeting those needs so promptly and generously, especially in unexpected ways. You have never failed to provide, even when doing so seemed impossible.
I realize, humbly & joyously & with great awe, that EVERYTHING I have is because of Your Goodness and provision. Everything I have, and will ever have, is a gift from You, given with thoughtful love and righteous intent. Everything I DON'T have is a gift from You, too-- because You also know what isn't meant for me, and what would even harm me if I had it, no matter how I may think otherwise. I thank You for Your protection there as well.
I also thank You for my times of loss and poverty, when my sinful nature hindered Your generosity, and You held back in order to teach me humility and surrender and wisdom. You made me very weak and powerless, so that I would properly recognize and honor YOU as the Source of abundance, and worship You even when You withheld it. I learned how to let go of my addiction to the world and its fleeting pleasures, to relinquish the sense of control and freedom I got from money, and to instead look to You for all those things. It was a powerful and painful lesson, but it changed me, and I thank You sincerely. I also praise You wholeheartedly for STILL meeting all my needs during that time! What incredible, devoted, unfailing Love You demonstrated in that fact. It really taught me gratitude, as well as empathy.
On that note... God, I want to use what I have received from You to bless others in turn, for Your sake. I want to be an instrument in Your Hands, a means You use to carry out Your Good Will on this earth so directly. Please, fine-tune my soul to enable me TO be that for You. Open my heart and soften it. Remove all fear of lack and loss from me. Deepen my faith and trust in You to always meet my needs, as You always have, no matter how much I give away. Please give me opportunities each day to be generous with what You’ve given me. And please-- let that include EVERYTHING! Help me to stop focusing on money, even in generosity! Help me to give of my SELF-- of my time, my energy, my attention, my love. THAT is true giving, and it is ultimately what YOU give to me, more than anything. THAT is what I TRULY need, and if I can help make that Love of Yours given to me known to others by giving of it myself, then please, I beg of You, help me to do that every day. Open my eyes and mind to opportunities, and give me the graces of compassion and courage TO do so. All glory be to You, O Lord. May everything I give have Your name on the gift-tag, not mine. I love You. I thank You. Your blessings overflow upon me each day. Help me to share them always, with everyone, in love of You and of my neighbor. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Who taught me what it truly means to love and to give, and Who called me to follow Him. May I do so in all things. Amen.

112922

woke up SUPER late

nc/family flashback dreams. very depressing

"angel tree"
all of us "inventing" a story for it on the spot; really a beautiful collaborative effort, totally unplanned, illustrated how much we care not only for xennie but also for each other
basically: the tree is made of "crystallized angel feathers." guardian angels drop one feather when their human dies? becomes "tangible," changes form? looks like the branches. and each barb is an answered prayer? like... there are THOUSANDS on this tree.

LATE breakfast. had to push 900k because we wont eat again until 7pm and will DEFINITELY be doing another 90+ minutes on the bike to finish stein's gate


called payee, got $150 for clothes and food, decided to go shop & restock while our body processed the food so we wouldn't freak out from physical symptoms and purge

(...)