Oct. 31st, 2022

prismaticbleed: (angel)

This is your time to shine and let go of anything stopping you from being "great for God." Make a list of things you want to fulfill in this "right time" season (OF RECOVERY).

The OBVIOUS big thing "stopping me from shining" was/is the eating disorder. But... last night, as I talked about future "hopes" with mom, it got me VIOLENTLY DEPRESSED. So there's a DEEPER obstacle in the way-- a sense of GUILTY SHAME for even WANTING or WISHING to be creative-- to shine. In the deep places of my heart I want to Serve God with ALL He has given me-- INCLUDING my talents, especially so, as long as I have them. I feel COMPELLED to write music & tell good stories & create beautiful art... do I? God, help me to discern Your Will for me AND those "alleged" talents! Please, help me to shine FOR YOU in my unique way.

BLESSINGS...

+ The ones I don't recognize or even acknowledge as blessings: mostly treatment, being ABLE to suffer in direct penitence for past sins. being able to safely regain weight in a controlled MEDICAL environment where they KNOW what they're doing. being able to take showers & learn better self-care. being able to sleep regularly. the opportunities to learn healthy mindsets & skills, coping methods & ways of managing stress. learning about nutrition & the body & food as medicine. being "MEDICALLY STABLE." staff that genuinely cares. fellow patients who inspire & encourage me. the opportunity to learn how to EAT NORMALLY and to daily PRACTICE it in a safe environment. ...the fact that I've gained weight & have a very BIG body now. I don't know how the heck that's a blessing but GOD HAS ALLOWED IT so it MUST be. somehow. but He knows. and I MUST TRUST THAT. if I do, if I give it ALL to Him, He CAN and WILL use even the WORST PAIN & SUFFERING TO BLESS ME, in HIS WAY, for the ultimate good of my SOUL.

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prismaticbleed

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