021319

I want to live so that I can become a saint, so that I can atone for all the mental illness lies and blasphemy I previously lived as.

I want my life to be such an act of love and faith to God, that people don't see me anymore. I genuinely want to let go of that "Lotus Cathedral" selfishness, and instead turn all the focus to God. I want my life to be a testament to the greatness of God, to the love and mercy of Jesus, to how much their love changed and saved me, and moved me to channel that to others for His sake. "I must decrease."

S called me a "soulless husk" because I am now "hyperreligious" in their eyes, and they se the mental-illness lies of my past to be the truth. That breaks my heart, but I cannot change how they think. It is a terribly painful cross to bear, the knowledge that in genuinely trying to let go of that dark past, forgive them and myself, do penance and change my ways for what I did and allowed to be done, and purify my heart, they see me as having "lost my mind."
They say I "died." Ironically, they are right. I am dying to this world, and to my past, and to sin, and to vice, and to falsehood. God is crucifying my ego and old corrupted self, and allowing me to be reborn through His Most Beloved Son, into a new life, a TRUE life.

Even writing this, I feel sheepish, somewhere. I am aware of how the world mocks this sort of testimony and language. I know that S, and my mother, and my brother, would all scoff at this, call it insane, stupid, foolish, etc. Saint Paul says I should rejoice at this, for it is partaking in the Cross of Christ, and it is proof that I am following Him and not the world. I am trying. God alone can do it, and I am learning to trust and surrender to Him more.
Still, I will not deny, it hurts, to want to embrace these people as fellow Christians, and for them to reject that possibility. Jesus weeps as well.
I must continue to pray, and learn to sacrifice better, for their conversion. That's all I can do. Right now the knowledge of what they think of God and of my returning to Him, knowing that they see it as utter foolishness, to be laughed at and mocked and even destroyed if it gets too uncomfortable, breaks my heart so badly I can't stop crying. How can you reject God so blatantly? And yet I am aware of my own sin, and it terrifies me, and I weep all the more for that, for contrition. And I wish desperately to see those I love delivered from that same old hell. All I can do is pray. God help us all, in your mercy, please. Call us all to you.