092717

 

 

tues 0927. 11:02 pm


woke up at 3.

 

had the vegetables and grits from last night. it was ultimately a stupid decision to make them, but by golly, at the time it seemed so logical. "make food ahead of time." stupid.

 

ate them while watching sense8 and as a result, couldn't pay attention to either, and got panic sick. stomach upset and hives. stupid stupid stupid. stupid fucking asinine food.

 

 

sorry. that's bitter awful language and it needs to stop

 

 

watched vernon's angel movie that night, "the heavens over berlin" I think. "wings of desire" in english.

 

mason made dinner and although it was very good it was a HUGE house panic trigger. used kielbasa and onions and sour cream and green peppers, rice and beans. MAJOR trauma food taste trigger. sat on it panicking and dissociating for two hours, trying to keep it down, then someone purged it. couldn't handle the panic.

 

 

tried to eat oreo o's too. good, but chocolate. someone loves it, someone hates it. the latter is ruled by death-panic and "you are what you eat" and was terrified of the thought of sugar and chocolate becoming part of our body, and so yes, another purge.

 

 

god we are so tired of this.

 

 

can't remember the system right now. exhausted to the point of sobbing and screaming. just want to self-abuse. bleed and call the retributors. sob into each others arms. love.

 

we can't do that here. goddamned oliver and doing soft contact and smothering touch and ownership. scary scary

 

IT'S NOT HIS GODDAMN INTENTION YOU WHORES

 

SHUT THE HELL UP, THEY'RE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT

 

 

why this fighting

 

why

 

 

wanting to go back to the birth family but can't. they don't want us back.

 

remembering how bad it ultimately was.

 

remembering how that HELPED.

 

how horribly, hilariously awful. to WANT to go back to abuse, because there we could suffer and hurt and hope, lock ourselves in a room and cry, cry, cry and scream and bleed and hurt and FIND EACH OTHER.

 

here everything is TOO DAMN SOFT and cushy and nice and stupid stupid awful.

 

nothing feels right. we need pain. sharpness. knives. blades.

 

gonna sneak into the bathroom some night and do that. maybe in the morning. after we get our check. get our own knife. use it for blood. somehow. somehow.

 

 

god I'm so tired and scared and sad and sorry.

 

what do we do with our life, now? now that we're "on our own?" what do we do?

 

still feeling like we are not allowed and/or CAN'T live without oliver. unhealthy dependent reaction.

 

but we DO love him. truly, deep down, despite physical fear and awful screaming, we DO love him.

 

and that's a thought too. WHY are so many of us SO SCARED of soft touch??? what happened???

 

the daemons aren't. eros isn't. I don't think julie is either.

 

but EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL wants to shriek in pain and sobbing rage when they are touched. it feels like the apocalypse. they can't stand it.

 

 

we want to scream and sob so badly lately. how? how do we?

 

hurt. we need pain. catharsis.

 

gotta get up and run, although that doesn't do it entirely. wrong sort of pain.

 

we need SHARP pain. blood. BLOOD is what we need. god please. please

 

 

want to work on leagueworlds and headspace but can't. why? feel we're not allowed. why? you know oliver isn't like the birth family. why the fear? don't know. maybe just residual. gotta prove the poison wrong. get it out.

 

 

can't remember who we are. keep sliding into old self-abusive, hopeless, bitter, selfish, self-annihilatory socials. 2008-2010 timeline. why are we stuck??? why???

 

 

jay cores can't front lately. being shoved out by screaming sad depressed socials.

 

what do they need?? they wouldn't be so insistent and panicked if they weren't desperately needing
something. what do they need?

 

 

maybe this is just the way to force us to reconnect internally as a system. maybe this is the instigator for true sacred pain. maybe that's the true holy function of the painful "toxic" socials: catalysts for internal change and communication and REAL healing.

 

they tear up the soft hurt. the awful painful soft. they rip it up.

 

 

oliver doesn't deserve that. oliver's gentle soft nature is GOOD. it's a GOOD THING. we know this. we agree.

 

but physically so many of us are SO SCARED. why???

 

maybe once we heal it won't hurt anymore. right now, we're covered in so many open wounds, anything that's NOT pain actually hurts even more.

 

in time. in time we'll be healed. healed enough, at least. we know we need some level of sacred pain in order to survive. but that, too, will be good pain. not this poison-tasting awful wrenching ache that makes daily life unbearable.

 

 

we just want to be alone. we just need to be alone.

 

gotta wake up early and just do that maybe. lie on the porch. cry. run somewhere lonely. cry. scream. hit ourselves. bleed. get the pain out. express the truth. heal. heal entirely.

 

 

our check should arrive on sunday, or monday. thank god. thank god.

 

need to be SUPER CAREFUL about the budget this month. scared. gotta try hard to make extra money. have to. no other choice.

 

$300 goes for bills. leaves $400 clear. food is at least $200. leaves $200. about $50 is laundry and spotify or so. leaves $150. testosterone is $200. not going to work unless we buy less food. gotta make it work.

 

 

we'll figure this out. right now the sheer stress of daily life is destroying us.

 

breathe. gotta breathe. gotta wake up early and MEDITATE. just… be alone. be quiet. pretend we're the only ones in the entire world. we miss that. god we MISS that. that's the biggest thing we've lost from the house in PA: dead silence and isolation. trees and snow. god we want to weep from it. what do we do. what do we do.

 

but we had to sacrifice it in order to survive. I think? I don't know? at least in an abusive environment we HAD to be a system in order to survive. people were triggered out constantly. that was good.

 

but we had no future. did we? I don’t know.

 

we're just… desperate to figure out what to do here. where it's safe. where we don't understand yet.

 

god help us.

 

 

we miss church. oh dear lord god above do we EVER miss church. we NEED to go back.

 

gotta get a bike, or get up super early, walk to church. daily mass maybe. super early though. maybe just once a week, sundays. need to go.

 

 

god, we'll make this work. we can't give up. we'll figure this out.

 

 

we need to talk to each other.

 

 

we need to fall in love with each other. socials and internals alike.

 

that's the key: love. it's demonized by the socials, who had to live in a loveless environment, or at least an environment where love was mangled and misinterpreted. tragically, real love was too precious to show there, where it was stepped on. better to keep it safe and hidden, our brain sadly said, and did so. it hurt too much. it didn't want any more corruption occurring.

 

you know what it did to hearts. you know what it did to intimacy. we couldn't bear it.

 

 

another thought:

 

we are not "human." we know this. our system CANNOT function as such, from our roots. we cannot force ourselves to be otherwise.

 

any "human" nousfoni can't ever stick around. it just doesn't work. secretly, ALL of us are not. we're nousfoni. hence the term's ultimate origin. we are what we are. human in appearance, perhaps, mostly… but not in structure. we are what we are.



(left unfinished; hurt too much)