---

All right, I need to type about this.

Mel just started taking T.

WHAT.

Half of me is excited that they're pursuing something to make them happy.

The louder half of me is screaming with heartbroken rage because why the heck didn't they support US like this when we were out there????????????

Maybe my memories are confused. Maybe. All I feel like is that while we were in SLC we kept being told "you have to be cis," "you can't be transgender that isn't morally correct," et cetera.
I know they used "he" pronouns for us, that's true. But… I don't know, then why the heck are the only accessible memories we have of the opposite feeling??

I guess we're just distraught because there's a friendship we DESPERATELY NEEDED, the only friendship we ever had, and it collapsed into bloody glass fragments and now LOOK AT THEM.

God I don't even know.


…I think it's all projection. False memories.

I still don't recognize any photos of them. I "know" that's a person we used to know, but I don't recognize them. I didn't even when we were still in contact with them.
…They always felt like total strangers, both of them, and that terrified me back then because it made no sense and it still doesn't except now we know that there are far more than one or two people fronting all the time.


Part of me is just weeping hysterically because these people still have what we need and yet they feel totally alien and inaccessible and it didn't work out before so why in the world would it work out now? I don't know, we were never any real good at friendships; it's s difficult for us to exist outside at all.