june 16 2015

 

So tonight I'm listening to musicals and rereading old Xangas and looking at old photos.

I have no memory accessible of SLC. This is a shock.
We are looking solid at photos that were taken of us, of houses and streets that we know existed, but there's no memory of them. And when I look, when I really dig-- because I KNOW we were there, even if we can't recall it directly-- when I find that data and try to move into it, I can't. It's either outside-data based, or it is in third person. Again.
So we still have no idea who in the world fronted in SLC.
The one upsetting thing is that in a lot of those memories, there's no visual or audio, but there's feeling data and the most of it feels trapped. It's like what we used to get on vacations as a child, putting on a fake smile when we were really spiderleg-anxious and just wanted to go home, to be alone, to feel safe and quiet. It's the summer feeling, and I wonder if that's why we had it then. It's just sad to think that we probably didn't say a word about it, glossed it over, said it was "nonsense" and had no right to feel it... et cetera.
I think we were probably terrified of offending or hurting them. They seemed awfully sensitive in our memory. They did a lot of things that creeped us out or made us uncomfortable but to them it was good and normal, so we never spoke up. I wonder how much of it was "romantic?" Or similar? I have no idea. It's just... looking back, there's so many problems we caused, it's hard to stomach.
But just looking at all that makes me stupendously nauseous. Does that mean stop? I mean we can't do anything about it now, so.
There's so much fear tied to them and I don't understand why. It's childlike fear, the kind when you see an adult trying to be "friendly" or "nice" with you when really they are hurting and scaring you. But they don't take your tears seriously. Does that say a lot? It's sad to feel it there.

It's also sad because we looked so happy and healthy back then. Parts of us are choke-sobbing because they'd give anything to look like that again, to be that tiny and small and light.

But there's such a weird feeling, that we thought these people knew us, and now they're strangers. I don't know. It's weird. I've never had to manage such a "loss" before, especially from this sort of timeframe, where I don't even understand the word because they were never part of my life to begin with.
I guess that's why I'm confused. Someone, way back when, knew them, and THEY see this as a "loss," but they're at least 3 years late in comprehending it.
It's a mess. Sorry to bring that up again. It's just so jarring to see PHOTOS of us, and to not have ANY first-person memory of it.


Some of these musical songs are gorgeous. I just stumbled across one called "The Last Ship" and it's really nice. The harmonies are so moving.
I've been disappointed by a lot of "popular" musicals because they're too "fun" sounding and there's no depth to the music, it's too shallow and loud and party-like. And there are too many sexual or promiscuous or otherwise "dirty-humored" musicals and I cannot stand that either. I don't enjoy that sort of music and I apologize. So finding heartfelt vocals and inspiring notes is something I'm grateful for.
I like finding new music. Also I'm subconsciously trying to find people with voices who match the people inside. That's tricky because it's easier to find tones and textures than actual voice matches. Either way a friend of ours asked us that question months ago and we've not stopped thinking about it since.

I am really really disjointed in this entry. I feel like we did way back when, very false. I think it's all this past-looking. It's unhealthy in large amounts, very.

These Xangas though.
I know someone tried to start re-reading them weeks ago and stopped because they weren't capable of holding/feeling the emotions that task was eliciting.
I'm re-reading "dying to live" right now because that whole bit with the splinters is something HUGELY IMPORTANT that we've since forgotten in context, thanks to the passing of time, all the reset attempts, and the way the System at large has shifted in that time.
I've forgotten so much of what our old life was like. So much. So I can't write anything now, there's too much more to read and absorb. Heat fatigue is making it tough to focus and basically do anything but sleep, but I won't give up. This is important, this is important. I'll read and I'll get back to you on this.


Let me try to re-center.
We need to go back to solid meditation sessions every day. Our brain is crying out for it. We need to recharge, so badly.

(Also. This new Steven Universe episode is giving me such powerful emotions about headspace. We have had those same conversations. Remind me to type about that when I can.)

The Parnassus Leagueworld is going through a total reset, I think. All the "Greek" stuff about it feels toxic and it NEEDS to go away because it is putting progress at a standstill, as well as infecting everything with a dead pessimistic stony feeling. I don't like it.
I can feel a new direction for the story as a whole, something realer and brighter, something happier, and not ruled by "adult melancholy" and all that nonsense.
I am so, so, so tired of "forcing" all these Worlds to "grow up" because it's ruining everything. I don't care if you don't think they're "mature and gritty enough," I DON'T WANT THAT. NONE OF US DO. THAT'S NOT WHAT WE ARE.

Oh my heart I'm listening to "Show Some Respect" and I'm smiling like a sunrise and I am tearing up like a river.
This is gorgeous, it's AMAZING, this is the sort of music I want to write and be a part of, oh my gosh I love it.
I am serious, I am choked up from how beautiful this is. This vibe, this vibe feels like US, usually that sort of vibrancy feels like Dream World, but this one feels like us.
Even worse, the main female singer (she was in Take Flight too!) has a vocal edge just like Laurie, even if she doesn't sound like her (voice is too high; she sounds more like Mulberry here actually).
But the lyrics, the lyrics, the lyrics...
It's what he would have wanted, he'll not be disappointed,
Each of us well appointed, we've all but been anointed,
Such was our occupation, this means of our salvation,
We'll make a rope out of our dreams and hopes and tribulations...


I'm at the point where I'm too wordlessly rooted into us deep-down and that's making me happy in a way that feels like a rainbow after a thunderstorm. That means typing any more is just going to be blathering because I just need to soak this up.

We are moving forwards, always. Our therapist said she's absolutely amazed by how far we've come on our own, by how much we know and understand. That meant a lot to hear.

We're re-learning the gems of our past now, not taking on the old dirt anymore, just the gold. We're allowed that. We're allowed to shine.
For a long time we didn't feel we had a future. Tonight, we feel like we do. That's hope infinite enough.