061015

I either need a huge-ass punching bag, or access to a local fight club.

There is so much pent-up despairing rage in me, it’s scary. It’s maddening. This is like when I was on antipsychotics at the hospital, I wanted to tear everyone’s throat out. Now I just want to punch things until my knuckles break and everything feels like fire, because nothing else is getting rid of this hellish sensory overload and I cannot take it.

I’m not allowed to express sadness or anger in this house, otherwise the family pulls their emotional manipulation/ guilt trip shit on me. The mother just did that now, I said I was depressed and she started ranting about “this is why I hate coming home! I just trigger everybody! You just see me as a trigger!!” and slammed the door in my face before going to argue with someone else about me behind my back.
This is every single day and I just want to fight something or have someone fight me and I can’t get that anymore, I miss being a kid because back then people would at least HIT me and I’d FEEL BETTER.

This is disgusting. I’m sorry.

I’m in a very scary place in my life, I’ve turned into a puppet for everyone else, I can’t remember who “I” am. I don’t want to be who I am currently, I’m terrified, how do I stop this?

There is so much seething hatred in me, this drive to just annihilate myself completely, this blind rabid desire to be immolated because maybe then I’ll become something good, something pure again.
I can’t look in mirrors anymore. I can’t. I can’t deal with this.

If I’m covered in bruises tomorrow it’s for the best.