101414

 

...Well. I'm shaking. Apparently I have one hell of a rough week coming up.

 

My mother just disowned me.
She told me to my face, she wants nothing to do with me, "you're sick in the head," she's cutting all ties, et cetera. She wouldn't stop shouting.
Furthermore, she insists that my brothers despise me, and my grandfather no longer wants me in the house, but they won't tell me this for God knows what reason. No one will talk to me, ever. Then this happens.
I am so tired of people never saying things to my face until they explode. Why can't we just discuss this like sane human beings? I'm willing to change and improve, if you have a problem just tell me.

 

I don't know what to do though. My mother keeps calling docs and hospitals, trying to get me admitted to another psychiatric ward against my will. I'm scared of that, we don't want to endure that again.
God I do not want to end up back in a crisis center, not one like that.
She also refuses to let me stop therapy, which is okay because it is nice, but then she refuses to help pay for it. I can't afford it on my own, at all. Still I apply for jobs, I try to earn my keep at home, and my mother insists it's all a "mind game" because I "don't want a job" and I'm "manipulating people." Is that really how she sees me? No matter what I do?
I am so close to being kicked on the streets, I'm frightened. I don't know if we can support ourselves yet, a System living on its own again. I mean we can try, but... there are so many variables. I remember the last three times. Our damn thought processes are apparently "too abnormal" at this point, to make this easy.

 

I expected this, but not so quickly and violently.
I wish I could talk to her, to anyone in the family, without getting shouted over. I'd love to talk about this like we do in headspace, listening and trying to make what progress we can. But my family just deals blows, and waits for me to collapse so they can claim victory. It's win/lose for them, and I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who's destined to crumble under their feet, I guess.

 

I'm sorry, I just am in shock.
I'll just take life as it comes right now. That's all we can do.


_{#i don't even identify as 'mentally ill' anymore but EVERYONE around me insists that i'm a psychopath #that doesn't apply does it #i hope not #either way i am tired #and highly nauseous #don't mind me}