021513

 

 

Too sick to go to school again today.
Woke up with a migraine, had to lay down until almost 2PM because I couldn't walk or talk without wanting to pass out or vomit. Felt like my skin was on fire all day although my temp was normal. My hernias are still causing me tons of pain and I still can't eat most foods without getting very ill.
So yeah, not a lot of fun there.

However, the spiritual blog I follow had a message for me today.

"If you are struggling today, hold on. If you are in pain, [remember] the pain can only be released by you. You must forgive yourself or face endless suffering. Guilt, shame, blame, and the like stifle all of life... [to live] you [must] release and transform."

Hold on it is, then.
As for pain... I did go outside and talk to the planet (which I tend to refer to as 'mom') for a while. But when I did, it struck me that I have a very old and twisted belief that "I'm not supposed to let go of my pain." I have this old compulsion to hold on to it, to tough it out and suffer as retribution/ atonement/ etc. for unknown sins of mine. However, I know it's false. So I tried to let go of it, to release it and give myself permission to heal... to forgive myself. It's strangely difficult.
Still, the energy's there, and I'll keep trying.
Mom told me that I do need to fix whatever the heck is going on between Celebi and I, though. I agree. For whatever reason, I keep vacillating between love and hate with her. Black and white emotions, all absolute and unending to my mind whenever I feel them. The key word there is "mind." If I can stay conscious to step back from it all, and just work through this in a detached but compassionate state... geez, my ego will probably be screaming in fear and rage, but the effort needs to be made.
Ironically I think a lot of our problems stem from the fact that I had such a personal affinity with her as a child. I think part of me sees myself in her, otherwise I wouldn't be treating her so cruelly. True, my own abuse has tainted my responses previously, but I can't let the past poison me anymore.
If I need to heal the wounds I have with Time herself, then so be it. Let this be my first step towards finally becoming a good man, for everyone's sake.

It started snowing as soon as I went outside, by the way. I think that's a good sign.