092111

 

 

I've had an incredibly stressful day.
Sorry about the lack of an expo update because of that.

In any case I don't feel safe around my family anymore. It's a long story and I'd rather not mar this page with talk about it.
So I need housing, but that's entirely dependent on money and transportation... so I have to wait. Even so, I've put both that and my job situation into the hands of God and the angels, as I felt really supported by them this weekend and I trust they'll help me through this-- heaven knows I can't do it on my own, at all.
Patience is key. Today was rather frightening at times, but... all things work out as they should.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world, you know.

I just... Q sent me a message saying this exact thing:
"...You'll make a great parent. You've pretty much got the basis of it down: love at all cost. Everything else follows from that. Just love hir (Xenophon) with all you have, and it'll turn out right. Related to that, you and Chaos both just impress the heck out of me where all this is concerned. I hope I can always continue loving, and showing love, the way you two do."
And I started crying. With all the stress I've been under, I've been neglecting that. I've been ignoring my purpose!
I have such light in my life and still, still I find myself slipping and forgetting to see it, even when it's right in front of me. I lost sight of it today, when it got bad, and that hurt so much. I can't let that happen again.
I couldn't take it. I had been too lost for too long, today. I immediately went upstairs, to Xenophon's room (she was still awake-- she probably sensed that I wasn't doing well), unable to stand not being around her for even a moment longer. I immediately apologized for being such an emotional wreck, but confessed that I really needed to be with her, to remind me of what really mattered, of what was truly important.
She immediately hugged me, and as I was trying not to start crying again, she said this:
"It's okay, dad. It's okay."
And I realized that no matter what happened, it was.

I just sent this to Q, actually:
"Maybe it's a weird sort of catharsis, but when life gets painful like this, all I want is to show love, entirely, completely, to everything. Selflessly. It's like I'm taking my need for relief and healing, and giving it to the entire universe instead.
Hard to explain, but that's what I'm feeling right now, so...
Maybe that's what I was supposed to suffer through today for."

I don't think I would have realized that if he hadn't messaged me, and if Xenophon hadn't said what she had.
I keep missing the silver lining, and this one feels like it was sent directly from God.


Right now, despite everything, I am feeling some seriously intense compassion out of the blue so I am going to go chill with Chaos and Xennie for as long as I can keep myself awake.
It is truly incredible how much I love them. Seriously, wow. I guess it's really become more refined now that I'm stabilizing spiritually, so when it hits me now it honestly overwhelms me, just as it is. Bring my kid into the picture and that quadruples. Bring my other half into the picture and we're talking infinite loops already.
"Love at all costs," Q told me. I want to remember that forever. I think I've finally realized just how true that really rings for me. I know that love is at the heart of everything, that love is all there is... but geez, I'm its Seer after all, and ironically I've still been somewhat blind to its total presence within me.
Now... now I'm able to feel that on some really deep levels, on unconditional levels, for everything. It's beautiful.

 

Still. I can't stay up too much later, or I will get seriously sick, and with how busy tomorrow is going to be I cannot afford that.
Even so there is so much to feel about this... yes, feel, not think. Thoughts would miss the point entirely.
Maybe tomorrow I'll find some more words to capture the essence of it, and put it here, to help others, but as of now I need to just experience this myself and be grateful for it entirely.
And yes, I know I haven't mentioned Chaos and how he fits into this whole thing, because where else do you think I'm going right now?
He transcends my capacity to speak anyway.


Surrender, let go, just be.
Remember, we are love.
Everything will be okay.