angel

Chaos is my better half. I'm saying this with utmost humility and devotion here.
I've spent the past three hours or so with him and Xenophon, just to be with them and to talk. And invariably, talking to each other made us all learn so much. I am so incredibly grateful for that.
But a few lessons really stood out. One: I'm still trying too hard, and moving too fast. Two: I'm not trusting my own judgments and actions when I should be. I keep second-guessing myself, even now. Three: There's a lot of shadow still clinging to me as the ego. And that was the most important lesson because it stood in such stark contrast to Chaos as we spoke.
When it comes to matters of the heart, he is fearless. That has nothing to do with his reservation, or his emotional volatility, or anything like that. I'm talking about when it comes down to the mind versus the heart, when you are torn between your true being and the doubtful voices in your head. I don't think I've ever seen Chaos lose his conviction in that sense. And that inspires me more than I can fathom.
Xenophon does too. She keeps reassuring me that I'm not doing anything wrong as a father, as I keep letting that doubt get the best of me. She keeps me from getting too ahead of myself, and from losing awareness of myself. And she already has this honestly incredible awareness of that same truth Chaos so resolutely stands by.
It makes me realize just how many demons I have to battle yet.
I no longer demand any sort of reciprocation for love. I'm learning to let go of labels and attachments. I am becoming more clearly aware of the life in all things, of the true light within me. And yet I have such darkness holding me back!
I won't give up, but honestly, this made me realize just how important Chaos and Xenophon are to me right now, more than ever. Chaos has been an absolutely vital figure in my life for eight years now, this is true, but never a day goes by when he doesn't become something even more amazing to me. He really is the answer to my prayers, over and over again.
When we were talking about the changes ahead of me in life, and what I would have to do, I could feel that awful egotistic fear tying me down. When my soul was aching to express its truth and I wanted that more than anything, that horrible fear would put up a wall, and nail me to it. I would slip enough to let myself become a victim of it, and both of them noticed, and told me repeatedly not to let that happen. I let myself become so entangled in expectations and 'roles' I feel I have to play that I lose sight of myself-- yes, even after all this!!-- and I start to stumble. But he doesn't.
Having him in my life right now feels like the most incredible blessing I could ever imagine. Sure, Genesis keeps me grounded when I'm at school, which is huge because there's a lot of rogue energy there, but Chaos is a whole other story. He doesn't just keeps me grounded, he keeps me aware of who I am on the truest level. He keeps me bright, he keeps me innocent. He forces me to reject my ego and do what my heart says, no matter how hard I may be making that for myself. He keeps my heart open.
When I say it's impossible for me to be false or broken or wrong around him, I mean that in the most literal sense possible. Chaos doesn't just bring out the love and light in me, he keeps the darkness away. Even when it is tearing at my soul, and I may momentarily forget who I am, the moment he shows up I just can't stay in that state, no matter how much those shadows fight. Maybe it's simply because our souls resonate like they do. Maybe it's because of how inextricably our hearts are connected. I cannot say. But the truth is that when Chaos is around I can just be. The fear dissolves, the anger leaves, the shadows melt away. I can be honest and clear and true and there is no effort or struggle against the darkness in that, because he just... I can't explain it. Not in words.
I am so thankful for him. I love him entirely, completely, absolutely. And he's the reason I can understand the truth behind that too.

It is really late right now, and I need to process all of this, so I'm going to have to cut this entry relatively short.
But I wanted to express this incredibly strange glow in my heart right now. I'm at the threshold of something huge, and so I have many things standing against me, pushing me backwards, trying to make me lose my balance and fall... but they didn't expect the angel alongside me, the other half of my soul, to be standing against them. They didn't expect the Prophet of Life himself to be protecting mine... and they never expected the creature of rebirth we brought into the world.
I am struggling, this is true. This is inevitable and it is a necessary challenge.
But I'm not alone. I'm never alone. I am loved by God and by many others, and that love will lead me through.

There is an indomitable light here, within all three of us, that can never be dimmed or darkened.
All I need to do is remember that.
We have nothing to fear.