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So I'm sitting here at 9:30 PM, feeling like I'm about to either pass out or puke my insides out. The power keeps going out and my mom has her boyfriend home so her voice is stuck in baby-talk mode. I'm having some very bad PTSD flashbacks and I'm trying to keep calm but right now, I'm just hugging my Chaos Chao plush and trying not to cry or meltdown. I'm not doing well.

There is no such thing as safety. I know that.
But for once in my life, I'd like to be able to live in a house where I don't feel threatened or panicked so freaking often.
I can't live with my father. That would make this worse, believe me. I have considered it multiple times but it would not work.
Waiting until spring to move to Utah is my only option, but I've been forcibly blinding myself to the problems I'd face out there simply because it is my only way out. And my family is already trying to talk me out of it, again.

I want to get out of here and never stop running. I want to be free and alive and real.
Not stuck in this dark, dismal, dangerous place.

Whenever stuff like this happens my mind shuts down and I just want to be with him.
I want to be with her. I want to be with any of them, anyone who I can show love to.
I get so sad and yet I still know that there is such brightness there, that cannot be hurt or broken even in the face of all this pain.

I've realized what I'm looking for in a relationship, too.
I need someone who is in love with a soul beyond the stars, like I am. I need to find someone whose heart is bound in a transcendent love like that, and yet who is still willing to give love to someone here on earth.
I am. I need someone to give this love to, here, who understands completely, who can give it back.
I still feel like Homura. I still need someone to protect and guide.
But I know what my heart is really searching for.

I am too sick to be awake right now.
I'm going to sleep, talk to Laurie and pray my boss can help.
My sole refuge is the undying hope that tomorrow will be better.