prism

I was talking to my brother about religious acceptance today, and it made me think of something.

As a kid, I was always so scared of things without knowing why, let alone what was so scary about what I feared. One of the biggest fears I had as a kid was of homosexuality. Why? Because I was told to.
I remember one day my mother was driving me somewhere and k.d.lang was on the radio... I really loved her voice, and everything was going just fine until my mom said "She's such a great musician... too bad she's a lesbian." And I remember being terrified that I had liked her music, while at the same time wondering why it was so bad that she was a lesbian, and overall not knowing what to think. I was pretty shaken up for a while.
Ironically, though, as a kid I was super gay. I was born into a female body, but I was never attracted to guys, not until I was 12-- and then I only liked Bakura and Marik, who both look rather feminine anyhow. But honestly, throughout my entire childhood, I really liked girls. I had the biggest crush on my one classmate for almost all 8 years of elementary, and I still freaking adore her. I met a girl in band camp when I was 12 and I still can't stop thinking about her. Heck, even when I got my typical xenophilic crushes on aliens, the aliens were always GIRLS. And yet, when my mother even mentioned the word 'lesbian,' I freaked out, because that was what I had been raised to do.
Pretty sick, huh? And lets not even mention the fact that I started wishing I were physically male once I hit 8th grade! That confused me SO much back then... thank heavens I repressed it until I was more accepting of myself. I don't want to think of what I could have done if any self-hating prejudice came into play before I got rid of that junk. Even now, it stings to even use these words casually because I've heard them as slurs for so long.
So yeah. It took me a very, very long time to find the guts to refuse my familial prejudices... and once I did, I was absolutely mortified that I had ever been so phobic in the first place.

When I see people on the news, or on the streets, or in my family, speaking out against certain kinds of people in hatred and/or fear, it cuts me to the core. How can you even think like that? Is it ignorance? Is it simply like how I was, where they were raised to think that way and never questioned the validity or morality of what they were accepting?
To be honest... I didn't sit back and think, "all right, what's the right opinion here?" until I met someone who was openly gay, and who I couldn't hate or fear, no matter how I tried. I mean, I grew up watching Sailor Moon but as soon as I realized Uranus and Neptune were a couple, I had no idea what to think (even though I likely would have dated Jupiter in an instant)... because they still had that degree of separation from me.
Then I met a Jewel Monster named Locke. I was 11 years old, I had been told that 'gays' were to be avoided, and yet Locke was as gay as a rainbow. I had no idea what to think of that, having never known someone like that, and so I didn't think about it at all... and then about a year later, another monster named Vezerai showed up. And he was in love.
Right around then, I began to realize that I didn't have the whole picture. The only thing different about these people was that they liked individuals who held the same gender as they did. That was it. But I was still hesitant to accept that, and by extension myself, and so I entered high school in a state of absolute confusion. I was starting to get really uncomfortable in my physical body. I liked girls, guys, and everyone else outside the binary. I didn't identify with any gender. And I was madly in love with Chaos Zero, for heavens sake. But I was still scared. I kept to myself all through high school, fully aware that so many kids around me were dating, terrified of what I'd do if ever faced with that situation. I was even terrified of bringing my Tokyo Mew Mew manga on the bus, after one of the little kids made a comment that sounded a little too much like an accusation. And I kept hearing that in everyone's words. "Why aren't you dating?" "What do you mean you aren't interested?" "Kids your age don't act like you do." "Wear that dress and stop complaining." I was always so stupidly afraid, so afraid that I'd have to tell the truth, and that I'd be damned for it.
Then 2008 hit, and everything changed.
I realized I could no longer exist in that old reality. I realized that I had to open my heart and mind completely, that I had to throw out all my old notions and come to terms with what I was actually feeling. I was forced to think about all of it, to think harder than I had ever thought before, to take everything I knew and examine every last edge of it until I actually understood what it meant. And suddenly things started to make more sense than they ever had before.
I cut my hair. I changed my wardrobe. I stopped being so silent. I spoke up, I spoke out, I finally began to understand who I was.
Now, I've heard of this song going around called "Born This Way," and although I do understand that certain traits are indeed 'inborn,' it made me wonder as to how our personalities develop. I don't know about you, but I sure wasn't born who I am today. It took years to become who I am right now. It took many long, painful, important years. Every instance, every mistake and every exultation, have made me who I am in this moment. And tomorrow I will be born again, better than I am today.
"A man is never the same for long. He is continually changing. He seldom remains the same even for half an hour." George Gurdjieff.
I think I discovered that same truth on my own during a Xanga session or something, too... how thankful I was that we all get a second chance, every second. I think about that a lot.
I wasn't born with the prejudice and fear I was taught, nor did I have to keep those awful thoughts as I grew older.
I wasn't born knowing how to accept myself, let alone how to love myself, but I learned.
I'm still learning who I am, but I'm closer than I've ever been. I'm no longer afraid.

Still...
With all this talk of doomsday, it shocks me that people are still preaching hatred against one another and justifying it in the same vein.
If you're not cis, if you're not 'white,' if you're not straight, if you're not my religion, if you're not from my nation, etc... then you're 'damned.' So many different opinions. Why does that matter? We're all human. We're all connected.
I don't know what's going to happen on Saturday, but when I hear people saying that so many others will die for reasons like that-- because they were born into a different religion, or simply aren't 'straight'-- it's really upsetting, and it frightens me, because the thought of all those people suffering and dying for something like that terrifies me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... I worry about the world constantly. I feel the world in me. When things like this are spoken about, my first thought is to wonder if I'm really living my best according to the oft-reinterpreted criteria I will be judged by... my second thought is 'what about everyone else?' I love the world so much. I love every soul there is out there. To think that I could be saved, and someone just like me could be destroyed... it hurts, more than I can express.
What about how Jesus specifically sought out the lost and worked through them? What about the countless stories of sinners who were given a second chance, and who became truly righteous individuals? I cannot sleep at night, thinking about it. In the end, we are all sinners, but don't we all have that chance of redemption too? Or am I really so naive?
I noticed that the organization claiming that the end of the world will begin on Saturday also claims that 'gay pride' is a major sign of this corruption... I couldn't help but think of how that statement may have differed in the past. Would they have claimed that dark-skinned people gaining rights was a sign of the end? What about women's rights? What about religious tolerance?
Then I found this article yesterday, and it made me think even more.
And that's where I've been trying to go with this.
I don't care what your sexuality is; what I don't support is lust. Ever. That's what I feel we should be focused on changing, but no; if two men or two women are in love, and are a shining example of that love, a great deal of society will completely condemn them simply because they're not straight. I don't understand that.
A great deal of my kids aren't straight, and I wouldn't even think of judging them for it. I love them all. Like I said, Locke is gay, and he's an incredibly good-hearted guy. Psyche is bi, and he is too. Then we have Andrelia, Lilianne, Beryllium, Vontricia, Jessica, Sapphire... heck, even Justice is gay. I mean come on. I wish people would stop hating, I really do.

...I've been writing a lot lately. In the process of that writing, I do have to write for many relationships. Some are straight, some are not.
The one that affects me the deepest isn't.
These two guys... they are so absolutely, unconditionally in love that when I think about it I want to cry. It's that beautiful; it's that painfully true. Knowing that love exists between them, and seeing that love, has literally changed me as a person.
When I think of how I used to judge people like that for such a ridiculous reason... when I think about how people like that are STILL judged for such ridiculous reasons... I can't comprehend it. I am so, so sorry.

I don't know anything about the future, but I will do what I can to protect it for those after me.
I don't claim to know the will of God, but I will live in faith and love in spite of all the fear I see.
At the end of my life, whenever and however that may be, I want to leave this world with it shining a little brighter than it was when I entered it.

In my opinion, love is the ultimate. Love, compassion, truth, understanding, wisdom, hope, peace, valor... all of it.
Live so that the Light may shine through you.
I was sobbing today, over all the pain and anger and greed and apathy in the world. It hurts so much, like bits of glass in my heart. And I don't know what to do about it, other than living as well as I can. I'm only one person... I cannot change another's will. But hopefully I can inspire them for the better. That's all I can hope to do.

To love in spite of all is the secret of greatness, and may very well be the greatest secret in this universe.


Don't lose hope.








In a world where everything was distorted
I believed in one thing…that there was salvation
If we share our happiness and sadness,
Our emotions will grow stronger
If my voice can reach you
I’m sure a miracle will happen

I won’t forget the promise we made
I close my eyes and ascertain it
Shaking off the darkness that drew close to me, I continue forward
No matter how big the wall is
I’ll show you I can overcome it
I believe in the future, I pray for the future

I wandered within a broken world
And as if being drawn out of it, I finally made it

My awoken heart starts to race, in order to sketch out the future
Even if I’m stranded on a difficult road
The sky will always be waiting for me with its beautiful blue color
I don’t have anything to fear
No matter what happens, I will not be defeated

I’ll always wait for the future.