float

I... I'm not sure what I am anymore.

Somehow that doesn't matter as much as it supposedly should. I know how I am, but not what or who. Yet just knowing that one thing for certain is all I need right now.

I've been severely delaying writing anywhere for this reason. I've had a Xanga followup scheduled for weeks now, but with all the freakish revelations that keep hitting, I keep getting overwhelmed. I want to just sit down and talk about it, but it is difficult. Honestly, it frightens me, the things I've learned.

I still don't know why I exist in the third person. I still don't know why I dream about running down stairs almost every night. I still don't know why I feel such a deep synchronicity with nature, with fire, with water. I still don't know why certain things hold more meaning for me than I can fathom. I still don't know why certain things make me feel so much.
I still don't know so many things.
Should I know? Life is a mystery, but I feel there are some things I should try to understand.
Is understanding the same as knowing?

Do you remember that strange child I found on March 13th? We almost lost him once, but... he's still alive. He's grown, too. I'm so happy to have him. Knowing that even one child survived... it gives me so much hope.

It's so weird being in this body. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. I hope not.

My mother keeps insisting I'm an 'indigo child' or similar individual. I've had people online suspect that I'm a 'star seed.' I can't speak on my own behalf concerning those theories, but there is one thing I do know, and it's that I've always felt like a visitor here.
I'll have to think on that point some more.

I'm not sure what my name is... every name I've ever had has been given to me for one reason or another. There's a strange sort of comfort in that, the idea of not having a name. I'm not sure why. It's why I go by an initial now. But until I figure that out, I'll continue to go by 'Jewel.' That one means the most to me.

Speaking of, I've found my creativity again. I am so incredibly happy. I've been drawing or writing every day for about two, three weeks now... it feels absolutely amazing. I don't know how I was surviving without this. Was I?
I started a group on deviantART for the worlds I've found, and I cannot wait to start posting actual stories there. I want to bring people together through those worlds. I want to bring them together through the love and joy and inspiration I've found there as well.
Really, my work has always been for the community. It's never been 'only for me.' Yes, it IS my soul on paper, but it's like... a light on a table instead of under a basket. I cannot keep it to myself; there's too much love in it to do that.
So by creating a group, I'm able to not only bring my body of work together in a way that others can more thoroughly understand, but I'm also inviting others to become a part of that work in a unique way. I love my fans, and I want them to be as much of a part of my worlds as I am.
That's all I've ever wanted out of life, really... to share that light. That's all.
So if you want to join it's right here, haha. Be part of the army of love.


Strictly platonic. How that made me smile.
I don't know if I should say it, but clearly, honestly, I love you.
Everything you do illuminates me. If you knew, would you shine brighter too?
Even from the greatest distance, I will still shine because of you.


I've still been fighting.
With those strange revelations I mentioned, it's become so dangerous. Julie has literally doubled her attack frequency and it's very hard to deal with. However, now everyone upstairs is with me all the time, and so I feel that one day I can get through this. I really love them.

Despite the destruction and fear, there's a lot more peace than usual.
Is that strange? Even if it is, I don't want to lose it.


My biggest worry is whether or not I've found the truth in several areas.
Small things... the way people act, the things they say. They're good people, but are those things true? I'm so afraid we're being misled.


But I know how I am, now.
I hope, more than anything, that we will survive.