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LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO



So I assume the war is on?

I hope not. She literally just walked in the door and she is already ranting and raving about nonsense, so that's not a good sign but honestly I'm diverting my attention elsewhere. Just because she is spitting poison into the ether doesn't mean I have to inhale it.

You're just going mad because you want that poison out of here regardless of circumstances.

Exactly. I don't want her to keep living like that, or forcing anyone else to.

True, but we can't do very much at the moment. Anyway, enough of her for now. What's this about 'figuring out what your motivations were' for the relationship discussion on Thursday?

Oh, yes. See, I was incredibly troubled after we finished that conversation because I felt my argument was still terribly egocentric, or at least sounded as much with how I had worded it. To me, it felt as if I had said "I want someone to make me their world because I'm special!!" Heck no. I don't want that at all.

No kidding you've never wanted that, that's obvious.

I don't believe in any one thing constituting an entire world, no. So it was bugging me, and then on Friday I ended up wandering headfirst into an absolutely gorgeous chain of events and non-coincidences that gave me enough inspiration to not only verify my motivations-- you know how unsure of myself I was after what happened-- but also to give me the clarity I needed to settle out Thursday's conversation today.

I know all about the 'chain of events,' kid. Captain Estar Goes To Heaven, right?

Precisely. Geez, I am still reeling... even the little details of that comic hit me hard. But yes, that was the catalyst for the entire evening, although how I found it was insane.

How'd that come about, then?

Honestly? I think it was simply through my mad Tumblr-browsing again. Someone posted a panel from a webcomic that obviously dealt with genderqueer issues as a main topic, so I decided I'd check it out. And somehow, from following a labyrinthine chain of hyperlinks and random recommendations, I eventually ended up on TVTropes--

I swear, everything on the Internet leads there eventually.

I wouldn't be surprised, haha! Oh, and that actually reminds me of how I got there. The author of the aforementioned webcomic-- which is actually Riot Nrrds, if anyone is wondering-- offhandedly mentioned a "Bechdel test," and so naturally I looked it up, and TVT was the first source. That, in turn, led me to this strip from a webcomic named Subnormality, and... well, it took off from there. I loved the art style and intelligent humor, so I kept browsing, and was surprised to recognize several other comics, having seen them on various other sites over the past several years. I knew I was on to something then, so I went to the main page, clicked the 'Other Comix' tab, and read through them all in reverse clockwise order: I started at Section 41.

And the rest is history, huh?

Pretty much. I was hit hard by... geez, all of them. There was some seriously deep subject matter, and even better, it seemed to be the norm. I was already hooked from the first Subnormality strip, but... this one is what threw me into a sort of emotional turmoil, and rightly so.

It's only right that it did.

So... the last thing I read was Captain Estar. I read the entire novel in one go... I was up until 5AM with everything I got from it, but it was worth every second. Honestly, I haven't been that completely engaged in a comic since Watchmen. That's one heck of a position to hold.

I assume that's what verified your motivations, then.

Yes, but it also forced me to question them all over again beforehand, which was incredibly helpful. I like being forced to take a hard look at myself and analyze what I'm doing; I like introspection and I like applying different positive points of view to my life and seeing how things look from someone else's eyes. Of course, that can also get me in deep trouble if I don't have my head on straight first, but I think I've made real progress in that respect. I've had no trouble, whatsoever, since the last hack, and although that may simply be heavy optimism over a red herring, I'm honestly hoping that it means I've destroyed some more 'open doors' for her to get to me. I don't like using the 'wall' analogy because I don't like the idea that these things that I use to protect myself are 'closing me off' from good things as well. I know we only use that phrase as walls also keep things out, but maybe we can find a different way of describing this?

Hell, we'll just say it like it is for now, then. You're making progress and you're protecting yourself from that demon, but you're also becoming more in tune with the world as it should be-- the real thing, under what you've been forced to believe all your life.

That's another thing browsing Virus Comix made me realize. My biggest regret in life is actually having been brought up to NOT question things. I can't believe I actually lived like that for a while! I suppose it was nothing short of bizarrely divine intervention that I was such an antisocially-imaginative kid, because it kept me from looking for truth in television and magazines and beauty pageants. I was focused on creating, on learning and finding the truth in life through living it with an open mind, instead of through hearsay. I still got one big thing wrong, though, in not questioning what I was told through people with closed minds. Hearing my grandmother spit racism and sexism and homophobia and unadulterated malice to anyone who wasn't a clone of her really hurt, especially because I didn't understand it... but I still internalized it! She told me that I was wrong for doubting her, and I accepted that! I didn't bother to question her, no matter how wrong it felt, because she was the highest authority as far as I was aware and disobeying her could only lead to disaster. Turns out it was the other way around.

The same thing happened with your mother, too.

Yeah, but in a more damaging way. She's not rampantly racist or blindly fanatical, but she is hypocritical in what she does believe, and neither she or my grandmother ever seem to step back and ask themselves, "am I really doing the right thing here? How are my actions affecting others?" I mean, my mother would always parrot the "I'll love you no matter what you are!" shtick, but when I finally worked up the nerve to come out to her as an omniromantic asexual three years ago-- three years ago!-- she gave me this incredibly gutting look and said "It's just a phase," "you're disconnected from reality," "you're just confused." She even had the nerve to tell me that I was lying for attention because "you were such a perfect little child!" As a child I wasn't aware that this was unusual! I didn't even know what 'normal' romance/ sex/ what have you even was until I was freaking twelve years old!! How in the world could I have hinted at a 'problem' when I saw no problem? There IS no problem with me; the problem lies within society for ostracizing and hating anyone who deviates from the lifeless cookie-cutter 'norm.' I didn't know that my being who I was would cause me such incredible psychological and emotional stress when it was pitted against the blindly preconceived notion of what an individual in a female body should act like or else. That's when I realized I had a problem-- I didn't fit the bill, and I didn't want to.

I still say the only reason you got away with being such a rampant genderqueer as a kid was because you grew up with three brothers as practically your only social sphere.

Seriously, I only called myself a girl because that's what I was physically. It had no meaning beyond that for me. Geez, I was always wondering why no 'other' girls would play with or befriend me as a kid... probably because I was the only 'girl' around who was obsessed with dinosaurs, aliens, insects and freaking suffering as per usual. 'Do you want to play house?' 'No, that's boring.' 'How about dolls?' 'That's boring too!' 'Well what do you WANT to play??' 'I wanna go outside and hunt monsters!' Heck, I didn't even play with Barbie dolls-- I picked like, three of them to team up with my plastic army of mythological beasts, and then they all fought against the other Barbies.

You know, I don't think you were ever gender-specific. I don't know what the hell your mother is getting the idea that you were some sort of freakin' fairy princess.

I wasn't. I was a total split of masculine and feminine characteristics, with an unaffiliated self. That's actually what this whole rant was getting to, by the way-- I've always felt so incredibly pressured to fit a stereotypically 'boy' or 'girl' role that I've been entirely overlooking how I honestly feel. I have no gender, but I'll play with gender roles all I want. I like doing that. I am incredibly fascinated and accepting of all the characteristics that make up the 'binary,' but feel no need to split them so sharply. Why forbid them from crossing? I see no point in it, honestly. People are people.

Unfortunately, a great deal of 'people' can't or won't accept that fact. There's still this pandemic train of thought that, if you're born into one sort of body, you're born into one specific and unmoving code of behavior... if you're born with the other, you get the other. If your break that rule, you get broken, in one way or another. It's ridiculous. You're all born HUMAN.

You know, considering that a superego is supposed to be an "internalization of societal norms and morality" as well as a conscience figure, I am seriously lucky to have you as mine.

Glad to hear it, kid, because I ain't leaving, or changing for that matter. I'm not internalizing any of that trash and neither are you.

Thank you. Oh, last bit on that gender point. I found an absolutely beautiful quote on Tumblr that summed up my feelings on the 'split' point quite nicely, especially as I had been so uncertain prior to finding it: "It is a perfectly feminine thing to be tough, to be strong, to be bold and brash. The characteristics of sweetness and softness and gentleness are not necessarily “more feminine” than the characteristics of boldness, brashness, aggression, etc. To assume that sweetness and softness, etc, are more feminine and that boldness, brashness, etc are more masculine is reductionist, dualistic thinking. All are simply HUMAN characteristics." And the same thing can be said if you rotate the characteristics: "It is a perfectly masculine thing to be sweet, to be soft, to be gentle, etc."

Why the heck not?

My thoughts exactly. I think some of this carries over from ancient times in which a 'hyper-masculine' lifestyle was praised due to war and conflict; you can't have soldiers that are compassionate and caring or you're not going to get anywhere in battle. Personally I'd prefer that, but hey... the only way we're going to get rid of this absurd idea that slaughtering our fellow man is going to bring peace, is to change the entire system from the bottom up. Our views on life need to genuinely change. Equality, respect, reason, empathy, justice and truth need to be immutable standards, along with several other virtuous qualities I can easily list...

Gonna start a revolution, huh kid?

I'm sure going to try. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one..." "Recall how often in human history the saint and the rebel have been the same person," right? I'm by no means exalting myself; I'm simply saying that those who 'stir up the waters' and dare to speak out when few others would are typically labeled as 'the bad guys' when it's often the real villains doing the labeling.

Aaand now we're back to the Virus Comix.

We are indeed. I'm going to link directly to this one because it's relevant, it's true, and needs to be seen. If you're scared of reading-- Lord knows why you're reading this journal if you are-- take a deep breath and give it a go regardless. It NEEDS to be read, for the sake of educating others, and opening minds to the fact that this sort of thing is still happening in today's world due to our blinding ourselves to the truth of humanity: we are all connected, and treating any individual as worth less than another is doing nothing but cheapening every individual on the planet.

Hell, YOU should be putting comics up online at this point. I swear you could do just as much good.

Believe me, Laurie, I may not be drawing at the moment but I am up obscenely late almost every night researching information for these things. And that's my cruel paradox. I don't want to write unless I know what I am writing about, and yet I will never know everything there is! So I'm chasing an event horizon. Reading those comics and talking to myself today helped me realize that. I need to lay out what I do know, make sure all of that is as stable and true and understandable as possible, and then I need to work using that as my base. I will learn more along the way, and better myself, but if I don't at least START then nothing is going to happen.

Start what, the actual production in terms of final layouts?

Yeah. There's still a good deal of research that I have to do for technical purposes, but that isn't very daunting in any respect except magnitude. I enjoy learning and I have absolute confidence in myself that I will find everything I need within reason. I don't need to teach myself rocket science.

Not yet, heheh.

Very funny, Laurie!

Come on, Jewel, I've seen your lists of research topics, per character. That is one hilariously motley jumble right there. Admirable though, seriously. Just let me know if you need my input on anything, as I'm behind you all the way on this.

Thank you, so much. Um... what was our next topic, though? I got all caught up in our infamously convoluted brand of discussion and I lost track.

Well, this all started with you wanting to clear up what you were trying to say about relationships on Thursday.

Oh dude, you're right. So it's all about being selfless. It's not about getting but giving. I just... I want someone to be selfless with. My problem is not that I'm looking for someone to-- I'm not looking for an admirer, or a crutch, or a date or anything like that.

We discussed that. I know this, you know this.

Yes, but I didn't say it correctly, and I didn't realize the underlying motive: I love the world, you know that. I can literally love anyone. I want to love someone for the sake of giving them that love and hopefully having that better their lives... BUT so far no one has seemed to want it. I open my heart to freaking strangers on a daily basis because I need to love someone, I need to let someone know they are loved... but I don't know if that 'someone' needs it too. It's not for me. I gain nothing from this save the joy of seeing the smile on another human being's face. I don't even associate giving this love with me, usually. It just feels like something I am, and so when people don't associate that with me it doesn't really phase me as long as they are getting it... but I don't know if they are. I can sit here and love the entire world but I don't know if anyone is getting that.

So you're really looking for something more direct?

Partly. I want to be able to give someone the direct sort of love I've never been able to give anyone before, simply because no one has asked or accepted. But... I don't know; it seems that all I want in return is for them to help me become a better person as well, even if that's only through proximity, but is it really selfish to ask to be loved? Is it wrong to seek out something that should be inherently good, if I feel I need it to be happy?

You said it yourself; happiness tends to make you selfish. For some reason you operate your best under tragic conditions, even if they're only personal. When things start looking up, you suddenly become blind and start screwing everything up. I don't know if that's unconscious fear of a positive environment that makes you feel obligated to destroy it, in which case this relationship thing would not work... but maybe it's a fear of being happy at all, because up to this point in your life you've had this bizarre fixation on pain and you don't feel joy is even morally correct. Seriously, what the hell has happened to you to make you insist on the worst for yourself?

Do I really do that?

Sheesh, of course you do. Even on good days like today, you go to extreme lengths to avoid calling them 'happy' or 'joyful' or anything like that. You call them 'trouble-free' or 'safe,' which translated into normal English would likely read 'a pretty good day if you think about it.' For some reason you seem to reject comfort and I think that's because you reject complacency. You don't want to get so comfortable with life that you stop realizing that there are still things that need to change, that there are people that need to be helped, that you're lazing around and having a good time while children are dying in the same bloody time zone as you.

Sounds like me.

You know it does. Which is why your happiness, in all forms, is inevitably balanced with an equal amount of pain. We've also discussed that before. So maybe you're not looking for what you think you're looking for.

I'm looking for someone to love is all. I just want someone to need what I need to give them.

But Jewel, you are as lonely as hell!! You don't have close friends, you don't have neighbors, even your own genetic family doesn't want to associate with you. You may not want to admit it, due to not wanting to be 'selfish' even though you're once again confusing it with self-survival, but you DO need someone to love you back, here. You don't even love yourself, not with what you let happen to you.

...So I am looking for what I don't have. What I might not even know.

Either way, even if you do want a relationship for the sake of being loved by someone here, you won't be able to hold on to it until you CAN love yourself. You do know that.

...Yeah.

So if things keep up, it's gonna be a while. This needs to stop.

...Why the sudden mood switch?..

Because thinking about this made me think of just how bloody brutal you are to yourself. Sure, kid, I know you're entirely capable of loving other people, but you can't deal with them. You're still just as terrified of men and women and everyone else as you were back in your childhood, and although sex does play a huge role in that, so does plain old understanding. You're flat-out alienated.

I don't want to be a part of the horrible things that are out there though...

Too bloody late for that, Jewel!! One, you can't cut yourself off from the rest of the entire freaking world because you're scared of it. Weren't you just talking about changing it? Are you still so uncertain of who you are??

Yes.

Well hey, that's probably because you hate yourself. Sure, society has a part in that. Sure, your family has a really bloody huge part in that. But at the end of the day you still have the choice to change that.

I know I do, but--

But you don't act upon it! You doubt THAT, too!! And so the very next day, you screw it up again!! Listen, Jewel, it doesn't matter if you're trying to find someone who is willing to love you or if you're trying to get everyone in the world to love each other-- you need to start with yourself, and as long as you keep surrendering to every bloody fallacy that comes your way you are NOT going to get anywhere! I thought we had it this time!!

...I think we should mention that there was about a four hour time break about fifteen lines back...

You're bloody well right there was. Man, I don't even remember what we were talking about... maybe we should stop for now. I don't know how the heck four entire hours were lost like that, after everything we did.

I let my guard down.

STOP letting your bloody guard down!! The heck is wrong with you??

I keep thinking maybe I'm still too rejecting. Maybe I'm too callous. Maybe I'm too obstinate. Maybe if I let people in, I--

Maybe this, maybe that, maybe I don't freaking care what other people think. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. You have your own life and you have different rules and regulations than any other soul on this planet, just like EVERYONE ELSE. If you can accept that every soul has a different purpose for living, then you can bloody well accept that every soul has a different path to living! Why the heck do you think there are so many cultures, opinions, ideas? One size doesn't fit all!!

There has to be something deeply wrong with me. There has to be.

You've been raised to accept without questioning. You just told me that. You were brought up to take what was thrown at you, even if what you caught was a freakin' time bomb. You've internalized that so entirely, thanks to fear and repetition, that I'm starting to wonder if we ever can fully erase it. Maybe we need to try a different method here. Either way, it's sick.

...Maybe that's why so few comics affect me so deeply. Maybe there's more of Estar in me than I realized.

I can definitely see the symbolism. Definitely.

Plus... I got used to it.

...Yeah. You did.

I've become used to some terrible things, Laurie. Not just the blind acceptance for fear of being destroyed. I've become used to this hell I'm trapped in. I'm living this life and I'm making some really bad decisions, and I'm showing everybody what kind of person I might really be on the inside. That terrifies me.

That's not you, Jewel. That is not you. That is what you're being told to become.

But I've become so used to it!! That's the point here! I've been told to be someone else for so long, that maybe I've really become this lie, this act, this mask in some way, simply because I have become so freaking used to hiding who I really am! I screwed up! I took the easy way and I picked up a knife and I got used to it and I deserved everything I got.

'Sorry if that sounds selfish...' Geez, you are Estar, aren't you.

I feel like throwing up.

Didn't forget anything either, no matter how hard your mind tried to burn it out, did you?

...No.

There's one thing I don't agree with, though. You're not beyond second chances.

Maybe I am.

No you're bloody not.

Listen, Laurie, I've practically destroyed myself here and I still have the nerve to be talking big about 'changing the world.' How selfish am I?? I don't even know who I am, I don't even remember what my name is most nights, I don't even know how much blood has been on my hands at this point. And despite all that, I'm acting like I'm some sort of freaking messiah. I'm an absolute abomination is what I am, and maybe I do deserve this. I've always thought that mercy is the better option, but sometimes all I want is justice. I WANT to be punished for what I've done because it guts me from the inside out but I've become used to the retribution too! This is sick, this is horrifying, this is real...

You know what else is real? The flipside of this hell. The light to the dark. Yeah, you've screwed up, and you may be really screwed up as well, but I really don't care whether or not you want a second chance. I am giving you one. You're even giving yourself one in the fact that you're still breathing right now. You know that you're a screw-up but you still want to change that!!

...

You haven't been able to let go of hope. You can't. And that's what separates you from Shirley. You haven't been able to let go of the good that is in your life, in spite of how terrible of a person you consider yourself to be. I don't blame you, but I don't hate you for it. Life likes picking fights, but you at least refuse to let her keep you on the floor. You keep getting back up.

I'm sick of being on the floor though. I'm sick of spending so much time on the freaking floor, in my grandmother's room, sobbing that life shouldn't be like this, in the bathroom, sobbing my eyes out with bloody tissues all around me, on the porch, trying not to sob and wondering if it's safe to sleep in the same room as my biological family members. Always stuck on the ground. I'm so tired of it.

But you keep looking up, don't you? Your eyes keep getting lost in the stars.

...I guess so. I can't seem to help it.

Hope is one heck of a powerful virtue to have, kid. Listen, are you feeling even the slightest bit better? And not in the sense that you're trying to shove everything into the back of that closet you're in?

I can't tell.

Figures. Well either way, listen to me. Life's not fair, but it's only like that because we've all accepted that as fact. You need to get back on your feet and keep walking, just to spite that unfairness, to show it that you can make life less of a bully if you're just bloody nicer to her for once.

But I--

But you don't think you're worth it, no. You're too used to looking in the mirror and seeing that cursed mask. You're too used to killing yourself over and over and hating every cell of the cell you're in. Guess what? It's time to get used to something else. It's time to change the game, to take the second chance you've been given whether you like it or not. If you don't want to be selfish then you need to understand that you're not just living for you. We all bleed together. You might hate yourself, but I know beyond a doubt that you can't hate us.

So I do need to lose the entire 'self' principle I have going on.

Not in the way you're going about it now!! Losing your 'ego' doesn't mean bloody killing yourself, it means being reborn into a state of mind that allows you to see past this shallow idiocy of selfish whims, whether they're yours or not, and allows you to live for selfless love like you JUST said you wanted to! Come on, man, how many times do we need to discuss this for you to get it through your head??

Laurie, I looked in the mirror today and I saw myself.

You what?

I... I kind of messed around with makeup like I used to as a kid. I was desperate. I didn't want to look like the person other people saw me as, because I knew that wasn't me. I wanted to put on a different sort of mask, one that didn't detract from the truth but forced one to look for it instead. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I was desperate, and... long story short, I got creative, and for this one second I looked in the mirror and I saw a guy and I nearly burst into tears. I have NEVER been able to see anything remotely resembling myself in a mirror before, and then just like that... I was happy for a second. One little second. I felt like I could stop lying to people and be honest and genuine and...

But then you let your guard down.

I freaking destroyed it. I'm so sorry. I was so elated with what my future might be like that I just... I lost track of what I wanted it to be.

What do you mean?

I started... I started acting again. I started planning my future in ways that I felt would make other people happy, but I started feeling miserable again. I started shouting at the mirror. I started actively abusing myself, because although my face fit me better than it ever had before, the rest of me was still not right, and for some godforsaken reason I still felt like a puppet and I kept trying to rewrite who I was... even then, Laurie. Even then. I let myself get hopeful and then I got used to it and then I killed myself.

Kid, this needs to stop...

Which part?

ALL of it! Especially the part about you forgetting that you have freaking free will!! Please, Jewel, I don't know how much longer any of us can deal with this. For the first time in your life, you actually have a future-- you're actually able to see clearly-- and then all of a sudden, right out of the blue, you decide that you STILL have to cater to some sort of script! I don't care if that's what you're used to, we are CHANGING this hellish loop and we are changing it now. You need to get the heck out of this house, and you need to start writing your own script. Come on, kid, you can't have everyone on this planet playing the same bit part, if that's what you're going with! These ideas you keep reluctantly forcing yourself back into, these concepts and thought processes that you see in other people, they're literally KILLING you. You're not even getting a bloody paycheck, or health insurance, or respect as a human being, and yet you keep going back to it! Why the hell do you keep going back to it? Why the hell do you look at the lives of people you admire and scream, wishing beyond anything that you could be like that, that you could be free of this torturous repetition you've been scammed into accepting?? Nothing is stopping you but yourself!! Throw this bloody awful script back into the dirt it came from and pick up a pen, for heaven's sake! You HAVE that right as a human being!

...

Jewel, for the love of all that is holy, have some respect for yourself.

I'll try.

You don't sound very convinced.

You're going to do more than try, you know. We don't have any more options.

Gh...

Ah, there you are. I don't think I need to ask you if you felt what happened.

Laurie, I have not been this sick in years. I don't know if Jewel told you about what he discussed with me last night, but having this happen on top of that is just... I can't take this any longer. This is it.

Do you even know what happened? Do you even get details or is it just me?

You get details?

Eh, I get them eventually. Bottom line is that the kid has got to stop lying to himself about this constant mindrape. The more he tries to tell himself that he deserves this, the easier it's going to be for Julie to get to him, no matter how badly he actually wants it to stop. It's still rape no matter how he lies to himself.

Laurie, I don't even want to talk about this.

I don't either, Chaos, but it is still happening and if I have to talk about this every night for it to stop then so help me but I will.

Guys, I-I- I just--

For heaven's sakes, Jewel, hold yourself together! We've lost too bloody much in the past five hours; I am NOT about to let anything else happen right about now.

Oh no, we have two more graves...

Yeah, two. That's what set me on edge. Jewel, are you there?

barely. yes. Yes. I'm sorry.

Geez, be careful. Now what's Chaos talking about? What did you discuss yesterday?

I... oh God, this has to be some sick sort of reverse retribution because I--

Jewel, it's exactly what we were talking about. As long as there's light, there's going to be dark to offset it, and--

Chaos, I don't feel very much like any sort of light right now, okay?

You're my light, all right? Is that enough to hold on to for now??

God help us, we're all falling apart here..

This is exactly what he was telling me last night... yesterday morning... kid, I don't think you even attempted to sleep until 5AM.

Estar and I went to heaven.

Long story.

No, I heard about it. But this is always what we talk about, and although I'll gladly discuss this a billion times over, it hurts. 'I don't think I'm good enough.' 'I don't think I'm really doing the right thing.' He is always doubting himself and never feels that he's worth enough. Then... then this happens, and the wound just deepens. Every time. But every time, he ends the discussion with hope.

I told you. He doesn't let go of that.

But it feels so desperate. It's almost forced at this point. It's either that or suicide, and he's been on the fence for years. He can't kill himself because he knows his life means a hell of a lot to quite a few people--

Especially us.

Especially us-- but he can't handle living, not what he's going through now, and so he looks for hope and holds on to it like a drowning man holding to a piece of wreckage... but he's in the middle of the ocean, and he doesn't know if anyone even knows that he's drowning.

We know, and we're doing everything we can.

I know that, but... you can only survive for so long out in the middle of the ocean, no matter what.

It could be much worse. It could be so much worse.

Come on, kid you can't HANDLE much worse! You're fragile! You're surrounded by people who don't give a punch about your situation and constantly spit ignorant prejudice at you! Listen, yeah, it could be worse, but you can only throw so many stones at a glass heart before it shatters beyond repair. Sure, you could've had a rock dropped on you at the very beginning, but then we wouldn't be here right now, would we? And yeah, it might GET worse, but I am not about to let that happen! You have far too many cracks in you already and frankly I am getting really bleeding terrified that even the slightest disturbance can break you for good at this point.

...Why do I have so little self-worth?

I wish I knew, kid.

Maybe you're just used to thinking that way.

Chaos, don't even go there.

No, it's true. That just keeps coming up, and maybe that is the cause of my problems. It's the dreaded complacency I keep panicking over. I keep forgetting. There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on my part to actually do something about it.

Well geez, we've been doing that for how long now?

At least we're doing something..

It's not enough anymore. We've been trying to do something about it, but maybe we've become used to this, too? Oh wait, that's it. Geez, I don't know how I... how I forget things. There was mass today.

'Course, it's Saturday. What'd you get from it, then?

It was the weekly reflection in the missal. It said that... it said a few things. First it reminded me of the connection thing I've been so focused on lately... and then it said that we should all look at our lives, find out what's keeping us entangled in problems, and leave them behind! Just like that! Everything! And I know I've been told that before too, but seeing it in the same little book that my grandmother likes to use to condemn me, which she shouldn't-- it just flat-out said that we may become attached to things that are damaging to us-- we become used to things that hurt us, and so we stay even though we shouldn't-- and it listed families. Families! I keep thinking I'm a horrible person for wanting to leave my family, but geez, it was there. We said it before, this isn't a family. I just... I get so ashamed. But maybe I'm just used to thinking I should always be ashamed of myself too. So I'm waiting for Thursday and I'm trying not to be scared or guilty anymore, because I'm tired of being used to this.

Huh. I'm all for that, but... geez, that's still about five more days. I know we have the best of intentions and all but that's at least 100 hours we need to suffer through before we even know whether or not we can even MAKE progress! I'm even getting desperate here, come on...

Is that all we can do is wait, then?

At this point, pretty much. Wait and fight and hope.

Maybe I should get some sleep...

That's a good idea. You've been all shot to hell with your sleeping schedule lately, but that's due to fighting off this awful depression, so I can't really yell at you too much for it.

I just feel so bad for having this conversation end this way... you... Laurie, I feel that I completely cheated you out of an actual conversation, what with completely losing coherence again... there has to be a better way to make sure I keep that at all times...

If we actually had control over the environment you're in, we could probably diminish that. But no, here there's triggers all over the place and the slightest bit of overload sends you into a freaking downward spiral.

True... but Thursday... Chaos, I feel like the worst soulbond ever right now, I really do, and thinking about why in the world I feel I need a relationship on this level too is making me even more miserable so I apologize... man, it must be terribly difficult to have to put up with me all the time.

Jewel, I wouldn't trade it for the world. But why would you feel miserable about looking for someone here?

Because he's obviously paranoid that it means 'he doesn't think you're enough,' which is absolute bull and we both know it. What it really means is that he is lonely as hell down here, he has no one to turn to or rely on, and all he really wants is to give love and actually get some of that in return for once. Real stuff, honest stuff. The stuff you give him. But he gets paranoid, so.

But-- but the happiness thing! The happiness problem! That's what happened with the hack!!

Wait, THAT'S what happened?

I told you, I was happy with myself for a second and that just EXPLODED into absolute self-destruction and I don't know why those two things are so interconnected! Whenever I'm happy, I-- I want to make everyone else happy, and then I forget about making myself happy at all, because that's selfish in my eyes, so I destroy myself to make other people 'happy' when what they get from it isn't even happiness or anything genuine at all, and no one is even seeing how I bleed in the dark but me and you and we're all dying because I don't know how to stop.

Geez, that makes the most sense of any theory I've ever had on that. It's the old Gamboge principle.

Jewel...

Lord help me, this is so problematic. This is... this is so ironic it hurts. It hurts.

J, I know you're sorry for how this conversation fell apart, but I think we just made more progress than we could have hoped for otherwise. Man, I really need to think about this now... Chaos, you too. Talk to him. Figure things out. Calm him down before he has a bloody meltdown, please.

I'm close. I'm starting to hit h-hysteria. Just a little. a little bit is all.

I think I'm going to escort him out of here, if you don't mind.

Geez, Chaos, I'd prefer it if you did.

Oh, and by the way. Next time we talk, if I'm not around, remind him about the kaleidoscopes.

The what now?

It's an analogy he 'invented' last night while we were talking. I kind of... well, let's just say it set me off on some sort of lyrical tangent and I really wish I had written that stuff down. But... that's why today hurt me so much. Last night he had really seemed... I thought we would be okay.

That's how it seems to go around here, friend. We do our very best, we take a step forward, we fix one problem, we feel that hey, maybe things will stay like this for once. Maybe we can get out of this. Then the poor kid gets freakin' sniped and it's take a step back, find another problem, lose a bit more of our optimism...

Then we take another step forward.

...Yeah. That's one thing I'm thankful for. We somehow manage to come out on top, even after all that turmoil. We still manage to hang on to hope. Personally, that's why I would never want to do anything else with my life, ever. It's tough as nails, and sometimes I feel like putting one through each of my eyes, but... God knows I'd be lying if I didn't say this is the most meaningful thing I could ever do. I just... it's worth it. In some sick way it's kind of worth all the hell just to see a bit of heaven, if only for a second.

I'm with you there.

Pff, you're the one carrying an angel out of egocide at 2 in the freaking morning. That kid adores you, even if he's too self-conscious to say it that much.

Believe me, he makes up for it. You know he adores you just as much, right?

Heh, yeah. I do. And that's why I'm willing to stick through this to the very end. Bleeding together and all that. Geez... I'm actually crying, heh. Guess all this is getting to me.

We'd all be lying if we said it didn't.

True... aw man, I'm just making this worse. Go get some sleep already. Tomorrow's a new day, if we make it, and if not, then we tried our best.

...I suppose we did.

Now that's enough depressing talk for one night. I'll see you two maniacs in the morning.

Heh, there's that hope we keep talking about.

Wha-- aha, you're right. No coincidences.

Not a single one.

Hey, uh... you know that JTHM bit Jewel was quoting earlier? The part about being lost not being too bad if you're planning to do something about it?

Yeah, why?

It ends with the words "I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going." I felt that was worth mentioning.

...It was. Thank you.

No problem, CZ. That's what I'm here for.