family life

 

Why is it so hard for you and I to get along?
Mother and daughter?
Why is it so hard?

I try so hard.
I really do.
I try my very best to talk to you in a way that won't get you angry.
I try my very best to listen and understand what you're telling me.
I'm so sorry that it's difficult for me.
I wish you didn't get so angry so fast.
I'm sorry that I always seem to upset you.

I'm sorry.

 

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It starts the very second I return

Don't get to spend much time away from here

Nine hours at school

Ten hours at home


I'm lucky if I can escape for five

I'm lucky that I'm still alive.



Who am I kidding

Have you seen me lately?




Three in the afternoon

Abandoned by Elysium's golden chariot

Standing alone at the bottom of Olympus

Or maybe Vesuvius

Gaia, the broken deity.


Giving away what life I have left.



Maybe I'm just delusional

Maybe they're right.


Maybe I really am crazy




Three in the afternoon

Your voice shouldn't be here.

You should be twenty minutes away



Tonight's going to be a living hell.



Screaming

Fighting

Shouting

Cursing


The insults, the accusations

Will I ever hear the end of it all?



That's the reason he doesn't live here anymore


I'm afraid I'll be next




The pain

The stress

The fatigue

The heartbreak

Pressurized glass

Explodes.




Laurie has her axe today

Julie only laughs

Over the pink covers of her magazines


Jessica sits in a corner and cries

While Natalie tilts her head in helpless pity

From her mirrored cell


Jewel Lightraye is losing her mind again.




Childhood hurt.

I remember being chased.

I remember being insulted.

I remember being put down

Time and time again.


(I never had any friends to turn to)


I remember feeling utterly alone



Good for nothing

Self-centered jerk

Careless

Hateful

Stupid

A failure.



Hold on a moment

I'm sorry

Wasn't that just the other night?

Was it even me that time?

(oh please don't let it be my brothers again)


I can't seem to remember anything these days

Maybe that's a good thing.




Three in the afternoon

I'm not even trying anymore

I just keep my eyes on the ground

Don't say a word


Motivation

Inspiration

Determination

dead and gone.



Either that or I've lost control of myself

Unconsciously committing suicide

Crying because it hurts so much

But I never say the things you do



I never say the things you do

Yet you never seem to listen.





You bring out the worst in me.





Where does all this kindness come from

What could possibly inspire such beautiful words?

It's so hard for me to believe them

(Even though in my heart I know they're true)



How do you expect me to accept them

When I've been told the exact opposite

For the past eighteen years?


Teachers

Therapists

Counsellors

Classmates

Siblings

Parents.



Why can't you ever do what we want you to do?



But I'm trying my best.

I'm trying so hard.


cross my heart

and hope to die.


Too bad it never seems to be good enough.



I don't even deserve those Monday nights anymore.




Oh well


Guess I'll just go back to that empty white room

In my mind

Wherever it is

Just like the good old days

When I was only five years old.


Never bothered to fancy it up

Besides

It's cruelly fitting this way.



Three in the afternoon

I've found a few moments of silence

A fleeting interim

Before the thunder follows the lightning

And scares the life out of me


Better make the best of it.







And yet


Sometimes


I wish I could just


cut myself off from it all


erase it all


disconnect


and simply



start



over



again.






But of course I can't do that.

Silly me.





That's life.





Guess I'd better get back to work.