It's a beggar's life, said the Queen of Spain

...But don't tell it to a poor man!


Sorry, I've been listening to David Bowie and Steely Dan all day. As a result, the lyrics are echoing in my head.
I was surprised... I have so many albums by both but I never got a real chance to listen to them. I'm glad I took the time to do so today-- brilliant, brilliant minds.

Anyway.

Q-Lok's going to be at my house this Sunday. I'm just shaking my head.
I don't know what that kid expects, but let me tell you this much-- I have rules, and I will not compromise those rules.
Here's a few that apply to this theoretical future situation.

1. NO intentional physical contact. I'm scared of it.
2. NO kissing. See the above.
3. NO dancing.
4. NO romantic anything, basically.
5. NO 'playing around.'
6. NO silly nonsense of any sort.
7. NO calling me 'girlfriend' or 'babe' or anything like that. I've had... experiences.
8. NO trying to make me compromise, damn it!

He's coming over here, he's sticking his head into my frenetic life, he's trying to get involved, he's going to have to play this game by my rules. Unfortunately, at this point, I think we're both playing two completely different games.

That's not going to work.
Here, let me quote from his LJ and you'll see what I mean:


"She wants relief and love.

I guarantee that second part regardless of anything else that happens. The first part is totally dependent on how each of us takes the trip. If I continue to treat it as something to be scripted, it will wind up being uncomfortable and stiff. If she continues to treat it as something that we're doing just for my benefit and not for hers, she will pull up her defenses and hide herself behind a mask in order not to disappoint me with the truth, even though that's what I really want to hear.

I want closeness, contact, openness, and love.


Well, I hate to burst the assumption-bubble, but I think what I really want here is just friendship.
I'm not comfortable with physical closeness and contact, and I have a very bad feeling that his sort of love isn't strictly platonic and universal like mine is.
I'm afraid he wants a 'relationship.'

Call me immature, call me childish, call me stupid, call me dumb, but I don't want a relationship. I don't want romantics, and I don't want some crazy-committed relationship with another person. Honestly.
I'm busy enough with life. I don't need a relationship bogging me down like that. I'm committed to my life mission, and that's all I have time for. I don't have time to fluster and fawn over some kid in my spare time, thank you very much.
Plus my life is already dedicated to God, which means I'm a vowed celibate. Like a nun, but without the habit, haha. And yes, Rosette Christopher is still a heroine of mine!

Honestly, though... the typical human relationship is purely primal. I happen to have a joint fear/loathing of all things primal, instinctive, or animal-like.
A typical relationship forms on physical/attribute attraction, and is formed for the hideously base reason of 'finding a mate' for the purpose of procreation and species continuity. Well, all you humans can go out and do that junk if you want, but I'll be busying myself with a better sort of life.

I don't form typical relationships at all. I'm sure you're all laughably aware of my 'headgang' by now, correct? All those humanoids and aliens and weirdoes? Well. Not a single one of those relationships was formed for the above reasons, and to be frank, if anyone told me that I could pick one of them to pursue a 'romantic' relationship with, I'd simply say "nobody." I don't care about that fish. I'm not interested, and besides, that sort of involvement would completely murder the friendly relationship I had with said person.



Totally random... I'm afraid I'm getting somewhat too far into this pain addiction of mine.
Honest, I keep wearing collars and all. Now, I hate being tied up as I'm a paranoid psycho and panic at the drop of a hat, but I'm practically a masochist (minus the sexual junk) already which isn't good but that would explain this.
Huh. Well, although I have an unfortunately fierce personality inside, I'm far too submissive to Laurie and her vicious antics, so to speak. If I ever told her that she'd bury a meat cleaver in my skull, haha. Thank God she's not physical outside of my own body, or I'd have died several years ago.. Severe physical trauma and massive hemoragghing, except I'd have felt it as much more than a nervous shock and I'd have an actual physical axe slammed into my spine.



Anyway.


Now, Q wants me to "stand up" and "be myself." He wants me to be "open."

You want a look inside this manic and battered mind? You want me to take off this mask and show you the countless faces I wear underneath? You want me to be honest and open and tell you exactly what I want, not what you want?

Seriously though. If I ever was as honest and open with him as he wants me to be-- if I ever did take off all my masks and was just myself-- well, then, he would have a real problem.
The real me is often disconnected and distant. I know what I have to do in life and I can't let anyone or anything tie me down. The real me is often frantic and fiery and always has a chest full of puppetstrings.
The real me is Jewel Lightraye, and Jewel Lightraye is a bloody maniac.

Do you want to see the real me?
Be careful what you wish for.

Do you want to talk to Laurie?
Do you want to see my mind snap?
Do you want to feel the maddening distance?
Do you want to know what goes on in my mind?
Do you really want to know just how terrifyingly screwed up I am?

Yes?
No?

Be careful what you ask.

I'm not always the quiet, smiling, shy, calm, oh-so-nice lass you seem to think I am.
I'm quiet when I'm thinking. I smile when I need to. I'm very rarely calm, if at all, no matter how I look. I'm nice, sure, but that's only one facet of this frantic jewel.

I'm also a seething madman with a rabid id, a psychotic superego, and a rather unnerving case of MPD as a result.
I also have a mind full of blood and knives and teeth and shadows that move and nightmares.
I scare myself to death on a daily basis, practically.



Do you have any idea how much I'm hiding from the world?
Do you have any idea how much of me you don't know?
Do you have any idea how much of me you will never know?
Do you have any idea who I am at all?


"We both need to stand down and lower our defenses, we both need to let go of the instinct to hide from each other, and we both need to let ourselves be as comfortable with each other's presence as we are with each other's voice and typing."

When the hell was I ever comfortable with your voice? When was I ever comfortable with your words?
I'm freaking terrified of MYSELF. I'm not going to be comfortable with anyone else.
Why do you think I take so long to read and reply to your notes? Your journal entries? Your comments? What do you think when I don't, that I'm busy?
Why else do you think I have 8 online journals? For fun? As a cute little quirk? No. I'm hiding these thoughts-- it's just that you keep finding the darn things. I don't expect you to read this anytime soon.
Why else do you think I've been missing so many Skype conversations? It's on purpose, damn it! I need some freaking freedom here, some distance, some disconnection... having to talk to you for hours twice a week begins to burn my mind rather quickly. I can't have so much connection at once.
You want connections, connections, connections... and meanwhile I'm just glad that I only have one puppetstring per soul.
Meanwhile I'm looking for escape routes.

I'm absolutely terrified.
Stand down? Defenses down?
Do you have any idea why they're even up?

There was a joke I heard a few years ago.
"Am I on heavy drugs, or should I be?"
Take a look at me.
I have the exact sort of bizarre personality to get hooked on drugs if I wasn't so damn terrified of my mind.
I will never drink, I will never do drugs, I will never do anything mind-altering because my mind is a madman and I am literally scared to death of it.
I am scared of my own head.
If it ever became intoxicated or altered to the point where I had diminished, little, or no control over it... God help me. I have no idea what would happen, and I'm scared to think about it.

I am an empath.
Extreme empaths are the most frightening and dangerous people on the entire planet.
Do you know why?
An empath can sympathize and feel the pain of virtually anyone... an empath can put their own souls in the place of another and understand their situation to the point where they make it their own.
An empath can sympathize with the amount of good in a person, no matter how bad the person may be... but the most dangerous and most powerful empaths look at everything and still try to find power to empathize. An extreme empath will look at a serial killer, see the potential for good that he has, understand the evils he has done, and will try to understand his motivations and his past and his present and his thoughts and exactly what makes this guy tick... and once they do, once they understand this soul to the best of their ability, then they can truly empathize... because they have truly been in this man's shoes.
Those empaths are dangerous because their potential for evil is just as strong as their potential for good.
They usually live good lives, righteous lives... but they understand the wrong, and it drives them mad, and they have to be extremely careful lest it get the best of them.


"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster,
And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."


Friedrich Nietzsche spoke terribly true.


I am scared to death of my darker potential.
I am scared to death of the other side of me.
I am scared to death of what my shadow can do.
I am scared to death of the monster that has been born in my mind.
I am scared to death because I have felt the eyes of the abyss burning in my mind even as my eyes burned into its own.

I am scared to death of myself.
I don't know what to do.


I pray. I try to live my best, but life is hard.
I need to follow Justice's example and try a heck of a lot harder...


It's partly to protect you, yes, that I stay so disconnected.
The other part is personal preference.

Deadly mix.


Anyhow. We're off topic.


I can be blunt and somewhat nasty and vicious if I try... It's cruelly easy. I just let go and let Laurie's influence work.

But I feel so selfish.
It's not me.

I'm afraid this is going to sting like acid on a bullet wound.
I'm afraid this is going to shake you and scare you and worry you.

But most of all
I'm afraid that you're just going to smile
And tell me that 'you love me'
And say that it doesn't matter
And say that you are going to try to change me
So everything works all fine and dandy.


Let me tell you something.
I have tried to change people.
It can happen, sure.
But sometimes people don't want to change.
Sometimes, if you change people, you don't change them for the better...
...you destroy who they are.

Some people just want to be a certain way.
And even if they don't want to be that way
Some people cannot be changed the way you want them to be
Because what you're trying to change is too deep to alter without catastrophic results.

I'm afraid I may be one of those people.


It scares me when people say 'they'll love me no matter what.'
You're not the only one to say that.

And it scares me because then I know
That no matter how many demons try to eat me alive
No matter how many shadows stare into my soul
No matter how many monsters take up residence in my mind
No matter how many faults I have
You'll just smile and say 'I love you anyway'
You'll look past the pain
You'll look past the tears
You'll look past the scars
You'll look past the madness
And you'll ignore every fault
Because 'you love me for me'
Nothing will ever change that, you say


And I can only stand here in shock
Furious and hurt and broken and terrified
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Can't you see how badly I'm suffering?
Can't you see how badly I need someone to acknowledge this?
I just need someone to tell me that yes, I am crazy
To tell me that yes, I am broken
To tell me that yes, I am losing my mind
To tell me that yes, I am a maniac
And then actually do something about it
I need someone to acknowledge the fact that I am a monster
Tell me that I do have faults
Tell me that I do make mistakes
Tell me that I do need to improve
I need someone to tell me that I'm seriously screwing up my life
And then help me to fix it
Without the slightest bit of sugarcoating
And not try to murder what is still a part of me

That's why you and I cannot work as you want us to.



I like what I have.
I'm happy with what I have.

I just don't know if anyone else is.



We were good as close friends.
And yes, I love you.
But now I'm starting to feel smothered.
Now I'm running for the back exit.

But how am I supposed to tell you that without breaking you?

I get massively severe guilt trips, and I'd never forgive myself for giving you that much pain. I'd do the same with anyone else, honest.

Huh.

I guess the only thing I can do is hope you don't find this for a long time.






When the joker tried to tell me
I could cut it in this rube town
When he tried to hang that sign on me
I said 'Take it down'
When the dawn patrol got to tell you twice
They're gonna do it with a shotgun
Yes, I'm cashing in this ten-cent life
For another one


Well, I ain't got the heart
To lose another fight
So until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night


Well, I don't really care
If it's wrong or if it's right
But until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night