I'm not dead.

Regardless, I really shouldn't be posting, haha. Honestly.

I'm going through a severe personal crisis right now, and as a result I've been trying to stay totally disconnected from anything Internet-related, yes sir.


However, I pulled a French leave this time, and said nothing save for a cryptic entry right here on LJ almost a week ago.
Well, of course I feel terribly guilty about that one... but I don't want anyone panicking over me or worrying themselves silly over me.
Remember my crisis in January? Exactly.
I don't want to cause a ton of trouble all over again... so I said nothing on IJ, Xanga, Scribbld, NiD, or dA... just here. I wanted to leave just a little warning, just a hint, so people wouldn't think I had simply died or disappeared! Thank goodness that hasn't happened.


But about January. This is... worse.


Why?


Well... now I'm in college. Now I'm an adult. Now I have to worry about finances and cars and divorce and classes and personal stress and a ludicrous amount of guilt on top of it all.


I'll get through it, as always... but I'm worried sick that my family isn't going to get through this in one piece.
So I'm staying offline until I can settle this somewhat. I need to focus on what's immediately important...




Eh... life's been bad, but it was horribly selfish and inconsiderate of me to do what I did.
You know, just leaving and not saying anything, especially with how much my friends were worrying about me.
I figured it would be best to just stay quiet and go about life... but when my brother told me that Q had posted a dA entry asking for my return, I began to worry.
Thats when it hit me.
If I was in their place, and they were in my place...


Empathy. Pardon my language, but it hurts like hell sometimes. You know how deep mine goes.
I thought of that... I thought of how much I would worry and panic if one of my close friends ever left without an explanation, like I did... I thought of how much heartache I would suffer as a result and how desperately I would try to find out what had happened to them and how to help you if I could.
I was stupid and selfish enough to forget that fact when I posted that cryptic journal and simply walked out the door without a word.
And now I'm paying the price.


Heartache.
My mind is a mess...


Today was a mess, who am I kidding? I walked into my afternoon class today on the verge of tears, my hands shaking so much I could barely hold a pencil. I'm honestly shocked that I scored so well on my final. Probably because I was praying like crazy. (And I mean that in the literal sense, mind you! My mind is shot!)




Gosh this journal is getting long by accident. I should be asleep! I need to get a lot of work done tomorrow!


Final little statement or three...




Didja notice my journal is PiNK? Well, not exactly pink, or I wouldn't use it, haha, even though I adore that iMAGNi lass. I like the dark pinks when literal colors are concerned, though.
This journal... it's more of a RASPBERRY, don't you think?
RESOLUTiON. Something I desperately need right now.


Oh yes and I love this song.

"MELLOW MELODY" by CEUI. Song of the entry, kids!
The song itself is simply gorgeous... and the lyrics are beautifully sweet. Plus they apply to me incredibly well, haha. I love lyrics like that.
Here, go read. --> http://gendou.com/amusic/lyrics.php?id=8124&show=2 See what I mean?
For some unknown reason I want to eventually make a Puremaren AMV of sorts to this song. Yes I do. I have it planned out already!



Geez I'm getting tired, though. Ah well. Guess I'd better call it quits.



...


Tiffany, if you're reading this... thank you. If you ever need someone to talk to who will not judge you, or just a shoulder to cry on, I'm right here. I want to be a true friend to you. I haven't known you for very long, but from what I know, you're an amazing person with a beautiful personality and you deserve a ton of love. I hope life starts looking up for you very soon... I've read what you've been through, and I can empathize. I don't want you to suffer if I can help alleviate it somehow... send me a note, okay? I'll be here.
On a different note, I, um... well, I've always dreamed of having a friend named Tiffany. Honest. I don't know why, but I always have. And now I do. Thanks a billion, love.




Well, that's all for tonight, my dears. It's already 1:20 AM, dear heavens... that's it, I'm off to sleep.
Oh and I saw KoH in my dream not three days ago... poor dear was really in a horrible situation, though. And Selph showed up in my dream on... you know what? Read this. --> http://homefive.livejournal.com/1049.html Mind you, it's a very strange and negative dream, which led to my having quite a bad day afterwards, but... yeah. All my dreams lately have been bad or empty, save for one on the 22nd (I think) which was pure awesome. I literally woke up laughing. I'll have to write that one down tomorrow, just because. I'll try and find a little time, okay?




1:23, aha! Talk about coincidence or a lack thereof.


I don't know when I'll see you guys here again... hopefully it won't be too long, but I can't say anything for sure at this point. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.


Keep dreaming, keep believing, and keep looking up.


Love you kids.


Good night.







~spinningcannon

 

 

Current Mood: very, very unstable.
Current Music: "Mellow Melody" (Ceui)