Horrible day.

 

 

Well, Abbey just ate my last entry, so I'm going to try and rewrite it the best I can... I swear this laptop is driving me mad.

Woke up this morning with my mother and grandmother screaming at me for God knows what reason... I forget, as usual. However, I don't forget that they made me forget most of my dream... as usual...
I was some sort of Nightmaren guardian angel, wandering alone around this huge and rainy city, protecting random kids from trouble and letting people use my wings as umbrellas. It was lovely, but of course... I forget all but that tiny, tiny bit.
Regardless. Had a compulsive electrolysis appointment at 10 or so, which got me all upset because those appointments always make my face break out terribly. I had severe acne problems as a kid, which killed my complexion, so it's very frustrating when I spend months clearing it up only to have all my efforts eaten within the space of a half hour.
...
Anyway. Got home, and as it's the summer, I had to put up with my mother until 2PM. Which can be a living hell.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but... she has this furiously explosive temper which detonates at the drop of a hat... and it always blows up on me. Yes, you heard me.
Apparently, I am not only insane and retarded, but also the cause of EVERY fight, misunderstanding, and problem in this household.

It's very depressing, and as a result my self-esteem is nonexistent. I've been putting up with this since I was a kid.

I got so freaking stressed and frustrated and distraught and panicky during it all that the pressure in my head hit a frenzy point and I got that awful need to let it out and fast.
The only way to let the pressure out is through a combination of pain and extreme physical exertion. So, as I wasn't about to slam my head into a wall (again) or slam my fist so hard into a table it ached for days (again), my mind channeled the distress into my mouth (again), and of course it went straight to biting my arms.
I bit them so freaking hard I actually started to cry. I have pink bloodmarks on both arms, and they hurt like bruises even now.
Eh... God have mercy on me... I wish I didn't have to do that, but what they heck else can I do?
It was either bite my arms to shreds and so be freed from the horrid stressful pressure in my head, or hold it in and collapse into hysteric tears and start hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. It has happened before.
You CANNOT keep this sort of pain inside. I have tried and failed far too many times.

I don't even feel like myself anymore.
I feel as if my soul was painfully torn from my own body and thrown into the physical form of some poor fat wretch, whose own soul is still stuck in here somewhere and is not only making me feel terribly disoriented and sick but is also injecting me full of its negative influences.
If I don't get out of here fast I am dead...

I am so sick, though.
I am sick of failing.
I am sick of giving in to temptation.
I am sick of losing my mind.
I am sick of forgetting everything.
I am sick of being a retarded jerk.
I am sick of being an inconsiderate idiot.
I am sick of being a lazy witch.
I am sick of being me.
Sick, sick, sick...

I was supposed to get my name changed, at long last.
Throw away this cursed birth name and take my true name...
However.
This cursed earth name and life has corrupted me, apparently.
I'm stuck in this house, with its utter lack of healthy food and healthy words, with its disgustingly huge mounds of junk and dust and garbage all over the place, with its choking atmosphere and lack of space, with its horrible memories...
...And until I get out, I cannot change anything. I have no power over this environment, but it is killing me, and until I escape I doubt I'll ever be fit to carry my true name.
I need to get in shape again, I need to get out of this stress, I need to become nicer...

Nicer, you say? You're kidding.
No. I don't lie. I don't kid.

All my friends and acquaintances and teachers etc. tell me that I'm incredibly nice, mature, kind, loving, patient, and all that...
And yes, I am.
On the inside.
The true me.
Jewel Lightraye.

Unfortunately...
At home, I'm stuck with being what my mother tagged me, and that person is a HORRIBLE person.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE.

...

One day, Jewel. One day.
One day I'll get rid of this name for good, and I'll finally be able to succeed in life...

But back to the music.

Can't draw today.
Tried to draw Koburo and Caria today and failed miserably... made me sick...
Can't write music today.
No time. Simple as that. Cruelty.
Can't do much today...
Sick, tired, too much screaming, too many other things I apparently need to do first and can never find the means and time to do.
It's horribly frustrating.

The single good point of today (besides church) had to be randomly logging on to dA and finding Ben was online too. ^^ Which was really fantastic.
I care so much about that kid... he's an incredible artist, and he's always so terribly nice to me. He means a lot to me, and I've been taking the extra time to make sure he knows that.
But, as usual, I'm not sure I'm trying hard enough... or if the message is getting through.
Same with Jim.
Once again, I admire Jim so much it's insane. He's an imaginative GENIUS (I kid you not) in music, art and writing, and is incredibly kind enough to not only include me in 2/3 of his projects, but also to dedicate/credit a good amount of his work TO me.
That has got to be one of the biggest compliments I have ever received from anyone. Ever.
That sure feels good. I needed a burst of joy right about now.
But back to the point.
I RARELY get the time to comment on his stuff, especially with this infernally slow and glitchy laptop of mine, which is terribly cruel because I love every single bit of Jim's work. Every bit. And I don't know if he knows.
...
Well, one day I'll get on my brother's PC and comment for a few hours. I am way behind and I mean to catch up.
Lastly, Q.
I talk to him at least twice a week, come rain or shine, and we talk for hours about absolutely everything.
However. He does most of the talking.
I either get off on a disgustingly selfish tangent or can never word what I want to say correctly.
I get confused, I repeat myself, I stutter like an idiot, I screw up majorly and wish I had never opened my mouth.
And why?
Because I am an infernal PERFECTIONIST with myself.
If I'm not perfect, I get very upset and even deeply depressed...



And it hurts.
I've had some bad experiences with 'perfection...'


Dear God, for as much of an ugly failure as I am, I have so much love in me...


I'm very altruistic and loving, which really isn't that surprising.
I don't like myself much, so everyone else I meet is practically a role model and example of who I want to be.
I have this very high respect level for everyone else, along with an unconditional compassion and admiration for one reason or another.
With myself... it's the exact opposite. But you've heard enough of that.
(Laurie wants to scream but I don't know if I want this entry flooded with swearwords...)

I'm an asexual/antisexual celibate, so I don't feel physical attraction, will never know the meanings of the words 'cute' 'hot' and 'crush', and when I do fall in love (which is ridiculously often and on way too many various levels) it's completely committed and selfless.
Because I don't care about me. I care about them, and although I'm a jerk, my soul still has the potential to be kind and generous and compassionate to everyone else. So I give that to everyone else.

But how I got into this rant in the first place...
Chaos Zero.
You know, that awesome blue alien from Sonic Adventure.

I am so in love with that guy it's insane.

And he's not the only one.

No sir, not by a long shot...

...

You know what, I actually feel kind of good right now. Huh.
Well, thank you God. I know you're looking out for me.

Hm...
Better sleep on this. Hopefully I'll even remember what I dreamed about, huh?



Well... good night, my dears.


Here's hoping...