Start Over

 

 

I'm just letting myself cry right now.


Really, it's cruelly hard for me to cry... not just because I'm staring at a PC screen or notebook all day, but...
Ever since I was small, I was shouted at whenever I cried.
"Oh, what a crybaby!" "Get a hold of yourself!" "Grow up already!"
Even when I was small. How ironic.


So here I am now, outside on the cold porch, looking out the window-walls to the beautiful expanse of green just a few feet way, seperated only by a few inches of stone and glass.
It's dark now... the sky is glowing a faint, pale orange. The streetlights are brighter. As always.

 

At least all this sadness and stress is good inspiration, kind of.

Couldn't remix N&R for the life of me, so I simply opened a new FL file and let my mind go.
*whistles* I didn't know stress could write something this pretty.

Regardless.... details, details, details.

Too much work to do. Way too much.
I want to pull an all-nighter so badly today... just... just to live in my lonely hours and let everything else just disappear.
You have no idea how beautiful it is, to watch the clock slowly shift like that... 1AM... 3AM... 4:30.
Watching the glow from the window fade to black, suddenly shining with brilliant moonfire before leaving the room in shadows once more.
Looking out at 4AM and watching the sun rise, from the very first ray of light to the gorgeous glare of morning.
Oh, it's lovely. And all-nighters are silent, too. Silent and still. Blessed with true solitude. The world's asleep, y'know.


I really think I'm going to pull one. Just because.
One, I can't sleep on this sugar. Two, I was busy as heck all weekend and still have homework to finish. Three, today was insane and I need a break. Four, I am simply dying for some alone time with my muse. He stays up with me when I do that, actually. Just the two of us for what, six hours? It's really something I look forward to.


I need to draw him again. Yes yes, I know I just did yesterday, but... I have some seriously expressive work planned for my daring Selph.
Preview for those of you who read this-- most of them involve this. Be warned. One or two will definitely have a mature warning.


But enough of that, on to the next part.




About the icon.


Well... it's different now, but the old one was a scene from one of my favorite chapters of JTHM.
Favorite because I can relate to it so much it hurts.


Allow me to quote Johnny's last line...

"...I don't like myself much."



I am having such a devastating guilt trip right now it's insane.


And this one is horribly justified.


I did some terrible things when I was young... terrible. And you wonder why I loathe my past so much.
No details for you. No details for anyone. These are the sort of atrocities I haven't even spoken to Selph or Chaos about... and I tell them everything. Literally everything.
Except my mistakes. Except my deepest and darkest regrets.
That's going to a priest and no one else.


I'm so glad I'm finally eighteen.
I'm now an adult. My entire childhood, my entire past is behind me now. Every last moment of it.
And I plan to leave it all behind.


As soon as I get all this hideous regret out of my soul, I'm going to change my name and erase every last reminder of my mistakes and regretful past that I possibly can.
And then I'm going to start over.



I'm going to leave EVERYTHING behind and start over.



I'm finally going to be the person I want to be.
The person I am inside.
Not this idiot I've been stuck as for nearly two decades.


I'm sick of this name. Sick of this town knowing who I was. Sick of the photo albums upstairs, the immature ramblings in my old journals, the memories burning holes in my mind. Sick of the guilt.


Well, God willing, I'll finally be free from it all soon.


Wish me luck.

 

 

Current Location: The porch. Staring at all the trees.
Current Mood: guilty beyond words
Current Music: "Solitude" (Jewel Lightraye)