prismaticbleed | even in struggle (Reply)

"Often those who struggle in life through various trials or deep and lasting wounds can lose sight of the deep love God has for them and the fact that in their poverty, lowliness and suffering they are often God's chosen ones - those who are precious and dearest to His heart. St. Pio reminds one of his spiritual children of this with delicacy and compassion:

"I do not have adequate words or feelings to thank the goodness of the Lord, who so lovingly deals with you and protects you. I clearly see, my good daughter, he has chosen you to be close to him, though not because of any of your own merits. By now you can be sure that he wants to possess your heart completely and wants it to be pierced with sorrow and love like his. Illness, heart pangs, caresses, holy flames that consume us, temptations, dryness, and desolation are all various features of his ineffable love. When the evil one wants to convince you that you are a casualty of his attacks and a victim of divine abandonment, do not believe him, because he is lying and wants to deceive you. It is not true that you are sinning; it is not true that you disgust the Lord; it is not true that the Lord has not forgiven your transgressions and wandering in the past. God's grace is with you, and you are very precious to the Lord. The shadows, the fears, the contradictory perspectives are all devilish tricks that you must reject in the holy name of obedience." "
- St. Pio

(tw: trauma talk)

...Oh thank God, this is exactly what I needed to be reminded of this morning. Thank you God.

...I have a horrific past. There's a lot of sin and trauma there, so hideous that it frequently wrecks my will to live. I had abuse flashback nightmares all last night, and I woke up feeling destroyed and sick, wondering: "where is God? Why is He punishing me by making me relive those terrors and sins? Why won't he deliver and heal me?" I can't get out of bed. I'm miserable with despair and pain and I don't want to live, not if this is life.

...Then I turned on my phone to answer a worried text from my mom, and this post was the next notification. Divine timing.

...I do feel abandoned, and attacked, and unforgiven. I will confess that. I wonder WHY the Good Lord would even let these trauma nightmares keep happening, when they are a direct affront to Him in their very nature, and when they cause me such significant physiological harm. I feel like God is saying "see what it's like? When you don't love me enough? Is this the life you want? You'd better leave everyone else behind and look to Me alone. Otherwise you'll never be free from sin and distress. I am the only One Whose love is pure and safe." ...is that really God talking? Telling me that "this is what you get when you love mortal beings"? Inevitable rape and abuse? Yes I want to abandon everything else and "love" God alone, but... does He Really want me to reject everything and everyone else in order to do so?

I'm so confused and afraid. I'm tired of sobbing and praying to God for help and just hearing "Oh child, I told you this would happen. Do you see what happens when you don't pray to me enough?" And I want to, it's just frighteningly difficult; I would need to renounce my family again, and my own interests, just like life was before the hospital, doing nothing but praying and weeping and starving. Refusing to love anything else. Terrified of the things of the world and cutting myself off from it entirely. But I was closer to God.

Then I was hospitalized and gained 30 pounds and now this body looks like my abuser's and the flashbacks won't stop.

...But this quote, this saint, is insisting that I am precious to the Lord? That He is somehow still protecting me and loves me and wants me to be close to Him? God if you want me to love You more, why are You letting me be tormented by memories of when others used "love" as a label for violence? Please, however this is supposed to help me grow in "love and sorrow like Yours," help me. I can't survive this alone. I never could; I'm only alive now because You have preserved me. I don't understand.

But I trust You. Despite all this, I trust You. "Though You slay me, I will hope in You." It's all I can do.

Please help me today. Please heal this poor body of mine. Please soothe my mind and take those ugly thoughts away. Please, I beg You, give me some comfort in the wake of these recurring horrors. If not... well, You have a good reason for that, too. All I ask then is that I still glorify You in it all.

You are Love. You don't hate me. You don't refuse mercy to the contrite. Am I contrite enough? Please give me the grace.

I'm sorry for rambling, Lord. I'm just afraid and I hurt all over. I'm so tired. If this is supposed to bring me closer to You then please, please show me how. I want to rest in You completely.

Let me know what You want me to let go of, and what to do. I'm afraid of not being allowed to love others, or to enjoy the life that the hospital tried to restore to me. I miss being hungry and miserable because at least then I prayed more. ...But didn't I also say how much I missed fighting this war because it brought me closer to the ones I truly loved? Except now I feel like You're telling me, I'm not supposed to love them either. All earthly love ends in trauma, is what I fear. Abandon it all and only love God, is what I'm being told. But how do I do that? How do I properly do that, without shutting down half my heart, and rejecting the most beautiful blessings You've given me? Am I deluded? Am I being a fool, a worldly idiot? Is that why I keep having the nightmares? Are you trying to scare me back to obedience, just like my parents did? Why is my relationship with You so based on fear and obligation? Why don't I feel warmth from You? Like I'm not allowed to feel it; that's too human, it's a doorway to more trauma, chaste holy love has no fire at all? I'm tired of hollow worship, of reciting prayers for hours and robotically following all the behavior rules. Where is Your Heart? Why don't I feel like I CAN get close to You? Is it because I'm so flawed and corrupt, such a spiritually deformed monster? Freaks like me get rejected by the church all the time. I've tried to beat myself into the shape You want. It hasn't worked yet. Is that why I keep having nightmares?

I still trust You. Somehow, even now, I still trust You. There are still so many tiny stupid inexplicable miracles and answered prayers, ones that I KNOW the church would laugh and jeer and scoff at as "deluded" and even sinful. But I also know You were there nevertheless. You're the only explanation for the best and most beautiful things in my life, the secret strange blessings I refuse to admit aloud for fear of desecration. Even if yesterday was hell, deep down I know You still exist and You still care and You still love me. Maybe I did just need to be scared into praying more, like this. Maybe I needed to experience the devil's work in order to properly discern Yours, AND refuse to willingly participate in the former while I'm awake. I don't know. I'm still scraped-out from it all and don't want to get out of bed.

...But my social worker called just as I typed that, to offer condolences and tell me that she is actively working to find me a trauma therapist, especially in light of my increasing symptoms. Case in point. Tiny miracles.

I'm going to get out of bed and type further about this personally, God. And there are a few people in my life I'd like to talk to about this, too, if that's okay. I hope it is. I pray it is. They're only in my life because of You. I sure didn't have any say in such matters. And I thank You for them, even if that's stupid. I hope it's not sinful.

But You are still Good. That never changes, even when I'm lost and confused. You are still Love Itself. And if that's the only consolation I have, then so be it.