prismaticbleed | spiritual troubles. (Reply)

I keep having spiritual crises, somewhat paranoid in nature (and arguably a result of my tumultuous religious past), which have reached a high point since discovering the multitude of different practices and beliefs on this very website.
The biggest problem is that I'm "mentally ill." I hate using that term because, despite how sick I may feel from this, my atypical psychological state has been more of a blessing than a curse in the long run. And it's become the core, the utter irremovable heart, of my personal spiritual path.

So. I want to believe that this path, however bizarre and weird and gorgeous it is, is valid. I'd love that more than anything. But the very fact that it all does resonate so perfectly with my heart clashes with the fact that I'm also considered insane makes me terrified that my beliefs are therefore always wrong.
As a child, I was effectively taught that religion is uncomfortable. It is terrifying, and painful, and angry. It is meant to remind you of your fallen human nature, of your distance from God, of your desperate need for forgiveness lest you be eternally damned.
Nothing ever prepared me for this. No one ever told me that the blood would come with roses one day, that the nails would be painted gold, and that my sacred heart would burn with joy as well as pain. No one ever told me that one day I'd have an entire freaking world in my skull and ribs, that I'd end up standing in a personal pantheon that both praised and crushed me, that I'd start finding my own experiences echoed long afterwards by the preachers and saints I once frantically emulated for fear of hell. Nothing ever prepared me for the possibility that I might be holy and crazy.
So I began to reject it.

I began to reject my own heart, my own path, because everyone else kept telling me "you have to do/ say/ believe THIS," even when they were silent. I guess I could only read so many stories from others before I became convinced that their success invalidated mine.
Be a good Christian, or Jew, or Hindu, or Mormon, or Muslim, or witch or atheist or whatever else-- the bottom line was that I could not be myself. You have to adhere to what others tell you, because you're a freak. I couldn't know what was true. Or could I?

I don't know what to make of this, I'm sorry for rambling.
Bottom line is, I've wanted to connect to the spiritual/ religious community on this website for many months, but I don't know how.
I am not comfortable with following strict dogma, or organized religion, personally. Yes I love every religion and their practices, but every time I've tried to join one it just... hurts? It makes me feel ill, like it's not for me, no matter how ardently I may devote myself to it. Is that wrong? Does that mean I am flawed?

I guess I just want to find other people on here who feel like this, or who can at least understand... the crisis of wanting-- of needing-- a powerful devotional connection to 'God,' but not feeling honest about that in any way but my own singular, strange practice.
I want to talk about this without being laughed at or screamed at or sent to the psych ward, please. This means more to me than anything and I'm hurting from sewing my own mouth shut about it.

I don't know who to talk to about this. I'm not sure if this is even me, feeling this.
All I know is that this hurts and I don't want it dragging me down anymore.

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@ 11:49 pm

DEATH OF THE EGO

therapy. talking about how burnt out we are.
self-abuse and sugarcoating it or justifying it
"lack of guilt/shame" around hacks for "spiritual reasons"
spiritually lost, feeling like our own path is invalid because we're "sick"
mom doing the scary dance thing. that needs an entry

I AM NOT MARRIED.
I AM NOT MARRIED.
I AM NOT MARRIED.

I AM NOT THE FEMININE HALF OF A RELATIONSHIP
THIS IS NOT SINFUL, IT IS SIMPLY NOT MY DUTY

LEAVE CHAOS BEHIND IF YOU MUST. NO LONGER RESONATES

I am angry. I am very very angry.
Short-circuiting, slow suicide, trees of knowledge. It's all been designed specifically to kill me, sugarcoated with the promise that it is "spiritually required!"
No. NO. Leave me alone. The only damn reason I'm even in this mess is because I never felt I had the right to say NO. I was told to "follow orders." "Be normal." "Be a GOOD Christian!" NO. NOT LIKE THAT. NOT LIKE THIS. LEAVE ME ALONE.

What have I done to myself. What have I done to myself.

It hit me, today, that for years I've been forcing myself into religious roles and rules, and in the process I have utterly disfigured my soul, so to speak. It didn't hit me until today that I have committed horrible wrongs, to myself and others, under the pretense of "God's will" because that was what I was ordered to do.

Half of me is so frightened it cannot speak. The other half of me is numb.
Personally I don't believe in an eternal hell. I believe "hell" is what we can create here through our choices, and I also believe that I am currently on a sort of psychological bungee cord, being yanked in and out of the scorching flames.

I've been so damned naïve.
I sound like my grandmother's friend, the old guy who tells us the same stories every time he visits. Always about how badly his wife abused him. I think it's a mirror of me. I never quite shut up about this sexuality shit, even though it doesn't make sense to me anymore, even though I have no memories of abuse. I'm sure it happened to someone, but as you all know, my current function forbids that from entering my consciousness-- and the Scratch may have even wiped the hard drives in the first place, so to speak.
But I've been an idiot. I've been a blind, far-too-hopeful idiot with this topic.

When the hell did we surrender to the shouts around us and crush our own integrity underfoot? When did we decide it was better to annihilate our own moral standing and spiritual path, in order to "be a good Christian/ pagan/ whatever?" No-- more like, be a good human. Somewhere along the line this religious falsehood got mixed up with the very idea of existing, and that's where the problem is here.

The biggest problem is that I still believe it. I've become pathologically "normal." I read this nonsense and the fear kicks in and I believe it, even though it goes against my own intuition, or instinct, or gut feeling, or however you want to call it.

"If you sit down with a Christian religious representative… sexual attraction/desire will almost always be on this list of human attributes… while sex outside of marriage is one of the Worst Sins Ever, sex within marriage—and marriage itself—is the most holy thing anyone could ever do,"

^ That is why I end up sobbing on the floor of this room more often than is healthy.

All my life I've never questioned this shit, not as much as I should have.
I internalized, heavily unconsciously, the "fact" that I HAD to marry, that I HAD to be cis, that I HAD to be straight, that I HAD to be sexually active, that I HAD to enjoy it. Consciously I knew that my own personal identity was none of those things, but you all know how I don't give myself any credit. I was utterly convinced that my existence was wrong, for a very, very, very long time. In a very real sense I still am. So I don't question it much; instead I try to force myself to blindly accept those words without thinking about them, because I am that morally paranoid that I am sin incarnate because I don't want to fuck anyone, and the thought makes me want to vomit and scream. I feel trapped. I feel desperate. What do I DO.

my personal definition of "sex" has NOTHING to do with the world's definition of "sex." Again, I didn't realize that until it was too late.

Admittedly I've been mulling over this old topic again lately because E sent us a message weeks ago, asking how exactly Jewel Mosnters were born? And I have never known.
Honestly, as a child, I thought people just "appeared." I couldn't imagine anyone aging past sixteen.

Ironically, the only Jewel Monsters I can imagine being even vaguely "sexual" (in the way I understand the term) are super gay and/or symbiotic.

(gender confusion bit? about the whole polarity thing, blurred separations)

The human prophets were not perfect.
THE HUMAN PROPHETS WERE NOT PERFECT.

RELIGIOUS PRACTICE IS MOSTLY SYMBOLIC, STOP FREAKING OUT

important quotes from articles:

On the other hand, my Taoist Tai Chi instructor loves that I'm asexual, because I can divert or use my "jing" (aka sexual energy), to more esoteric purposes, like meditation or martial arts. Most of the big Taoist figures gave up sex or meditated themselves into asexuality to attain enlightenment, so being in that state naturally is kind of a cool thing.

I’m incredibly proud of any asexual person who makes it in the pagan community without falling into bouts of depression. Every time I read or hear about how sex is the embodiment of the divine, the fear that someone will attempt to make me experience “the divine” again arises.

(left unfinished)