prismaticbleed | about infinitii, for a poem (Reply)

A description of Infi I had to write for a poetry commission; posting here as it's still relevant.

"...so this being's full name is "infinitii eternos"
I met them in april of 2013, during a very intensive meditative vision. long story short, they were "torn out" of my personal energy field and forced to manifest into their own shape. our souls are essentially made of the same stuff, but in separate complementary forms, like the yin-yang balance of a taijitu.
essentially, they are a being "born of" my subconscious, of the dark and hidden parts of my soul… of all the things I buried and rejected and ran from over the years. infinitii is my shadow, a creature that knows all my secrets and shames and failures and flaws. and yet they do not judge or condemn. instead they are an incredibly powerful healer, especially of trauma. this is their main role in my personal life due to their intimate knowledge of both the horrors of the past, and the lessons hidden behind them.
for that reason they are also a surprisingly 'sensual' being with a very strong connection to feminine aspects. for years both those things were terrifying to me, coloring my past pitch-black, so infi carries that same hue without it being toxic or dangerous. again, this allows for a great deal of psychological healing.
infinitii works from a sort of "amoral standpoint," able to skillfully handle all things considered taboo or painful or terrifying, without crossing into an equal 'extreme' of false purity or ignorance to do so.
infinitii demands integrity, awareness, and reverence from everyone around hir. ze does not tolerate mocking or trivializing language or actions, especially around significant or 'uncomfortable' topics-- the sorts of things ze exists to manage. ze demands that you honestly face up to the very thing you are so afraid of, to conquer both your fear and your ego. ze is infinitely patient and compassionate with this, while still maintaining brutal honesty and faith.
it's like ze knows that I am perfectly capable of ultimately living as the 'best version of myself,' and ze will not let me disrespect myself by ignoring or denying my ability to actively do that. so ze shows me all the internal cobwebs and cesspools and tarpits, without sugarcoating anything, and together we do the hard work to transmute it all into growth.
infinitii has this frankly overwhelming 'vibe' whenever ze is in a room, or nearby. it's a sort of velvety black density, something that gets at the very core of you and brings everything it finds to the surface. this has a cathartic effect on people. depending on how open one is to that sort of unflinching vulnerability, infi's presence can be either utterly terrifying or deeply moving. often it's a good deal of both.
a friend of mine has said she is 'terrified' of hir, because (to quote): "...Infi tears my walls down... when I'm around Infi it makes me feel like I'm totally open and I've never had armor in my life. And I'm covered in scars..."
infinitii is somewhere between a seraph and a demon, and the two halves are indivisible and indistinguishable. they are a paradox-- all eyes and teeth, shadows and blood, starlight and bubbles and diamonds. ze is gorgeous to me because of it, in a humbling sense, like a force of nature.
lastly in saying ze is 'darkness,' I say ze is the time of dreaming, a place of stars, a silent comfort… as well as a birthplace of fears and death and disorder. I cannot fight the reality of this deeper shadow, only surrender to it, and work with it. it is huge untapped power and growth, only if I stop rejecting it. the darkness a well of creation for both what we see as 'good' and 'bad'.
this is what infinitii has taught me: to incorporate both parts of this greater whole into my life, to become like a phoenix, and come to life through embracing death.

I know a lot of that is probably jargon but it's what happened when I tried to get a description together. We have a rich history that doesn't summarize well, but I hope this at least lends somewhat of a solid base to work with?"

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@ 11:59 pm

Just for the record.

Had some pretty rough patches this evening, time gaps and all.
I was struggling with that about an hour ago. I told Infinitii, I don't know how to deal with this, it's frightening and humiliating and I don't know why I keep ending up in these bad places.
Infi just looked at me, and said, "I forgive you."
I looked right back at hir. "But do you know what I did?"
"Yes. And I know how you felt. I forgive you."

...I haven't been able to feel any self-loathing since then. It's weird.
For someone to know I messed up, but to also know that I was sorry, that I wanted to do better, and then to look at me like that and assure me that no one was keeping score... it was momentous, in its own way. It's hard to explain.
Infi holds terrible things in hir heart. I've seen hir slip, and struggle, just as much as I do. But ze never actually falls, did you notice? No matter what, everyone in the System agrees that Infinitii is somehow, almost impossibly, undamnable. And that is because ze never acts from that shadow. Ze knows those vices all too well, but... it's like I said yesterday. Infinitii knows, and because of that, ze is able to empathize, and understand, and always, always forgive.

"I know how you felt."
My worst screwups are always in the wake of the best intentions. I think that's why. It's because I am trying so hard to do the right thing that I get blinded. I get lost, I get confused. But I'm always trying so damn hard.
Infi knows that. And I think Infi also knows what I always forget: that the things I blame and condemn myself for aren't a death sentence. I can learn, I can try again, better, differently. It's not the end of the road just because I fucked up big time, even once. I think it is, and only because I grew up being taught that you don't get a second chance at the end, and there are some things that you can't be forgiven for, and that all your missteps are recorded forever and you can never escape that corrosion on your soul.
Then I realize that Infinitii is made of the inklike hue they told me to fear, and all Infinitii has ever been is poetry.
I love hir, so much, I have not once ever wavered in that, so how could I possibly deny it out of self-hatred? How could I deny that, simply so I can throw stones at myself-- when ze shares the very same atoms of my heart? I can't.

Words are failing me again.
I just... I want to express this. In that moment, somehow, my heart completely understood self-forgiveness and it did. I accepted, without a shred of hesitation or doubt, this unconditional love being felt towards me. I forgave myself. I saw myself like I see everyone else in the System-- as an irreplaceable and beloved soul, who isn't flawless, and who paradoxically is at the same time. It's the whole stained-glass thing... how broken pieces make a masterpiece. The fact that we broke in the first place wasn't the end of the line. It's so much more gray than that, I keep forgetting, there are so many more colors here, and even the pitch-dark night holds every other hue by its very definition.

It's late. I'm feeling oddly hopeful, like I'm glowing in the dark like a little lightbulb.
There are good things, always. Tomorrow is therapy... I'm at page 50 in Dune and it's fascinating so far... I'm finding names for more Jewel Monster species. I helped my bro move furniture into his apartment today. It's starting to smell like autumn outside. And I'm not as lost as I thought I was this evening.

I just realized, I haven't seen my boss in ages, oh man, I should really go visit him right now. He's said that midnight is my curfew anyway, so I'd better move.

Infinitii, thank you, I love you too. I'll see you upstairs in a minute.