hell hath no fury

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Okay, update time.
Let's start off with the daily basics.

First, I've been breaking out in hives after eating for the past three days, accompanied by dizziness and nausea. Problem is, I can't pinpoint what's doing this. It's hard to keep food down and frankly it's scary just to eat anymore, what with how sick it seems to invariably make me feel. I'm thinking of doing a vegetable fast from now until my surgery, and pray that takes care of the problem. If not... we'll see. Either way, though, my weird eating disorder is getting worse. I'll only "eat" when no one else is in the room so I can spit it right back out; swallowing food makes me nauseous. However, if I am in the room with other people, my chewing addiction will STILL kick in, and since I'm trying so hard to "entertain" or otherwise amuse those other people, I'll end up eating a ton of food without realizing it. That's when I end up trying to vomit it all back up. Problem is, I'm tired of it. My throat is raw and sore, I keep coughing, my nose burns, my stomach hurts. I don't want to keep doing this. I just spent my last $10 this week on food that I promptly threw up, now leaving me broke with nothing to show for it and no job until after surgery (and possibly school as well) is over. Even worse, I'm burning through my family's money, which I've already mentioned, but which haunts me constantly. I'm trying to scrape some dollars together to buy some sort of mouth guards, anything to put in my mouth so I can't put food in there when I feel that driving need to bite or chew. My arms are covered in scabs the way it is. But you've all heard enough about that, and I don't want to talk about it.
Speaking of talking about things, our second point is that I started therapy this morning. It's difficult though, as this guy is the kind of therapist that makes ME do all the talking. Oh well, I suppose therapy is therapy. So I'm doing what I can in sessions. One good thing is that he DID tell me that he "doesn't treat patients as collections of symptoms," basically, like my previous therapist did. This guy said, specifically, that he will treat me as an individual first and foremost, so "finding a therapy method that meshes with my multiple diagnoses" isn't even a concern here, thank God. He also told me almost immediately that "our goal here is to talk about whatever is on your mind," with "whatever is on my mind" being defined as the things that don't leave it, so to speak. The first thing that pops into my consciousness when he says that is what I should discuss, with no censorship-- although that is still very difficult for me. Still, I at least had the guts to explain my gender troubles to him briefly today. It took up most of the session but since it's my most pressing concern, I'm very glad it's at least out in the open... not shoved under the rug like I've done in the past. However he keeps prodding me to talk about my "abusive history," which I haven't clarified (obviously) because of how bizarre said history is to me. On that note, no, I didn't mention headspace yet and I actually might not in that context, unless an unintentional slip or insurmountable psychological obstacle forces my hand. I am terrified of dealing with another 2008 confrontation where the nature of reality is concerned, so I can't help but tread lightly now when I am all but obligated to bring it up. Still, at the moment I am strongly considering referring to them ALL as "long-distance friends," but I don't want him to pull the "people online aren't who they say they are" card either, which would just make his perception of them worse (by assuming I don't actually know them, which I most definitely do). However, I think I've invented a way to talk about my past abuse at the hands of the Tar... instead of talking about Julie (as her redemption story is FAR too difficult to explain to an outsider), I will refer to the Tar itself as a girl named Tara, who I 'met in elementary school' but who wasn't in my grade.' It's a reasonable enough fabrication, and it would make the whole thing a LOT easier... I hope. Problem is, there are some theoretically impassible snags that I'm already encountering while reviewing the whole ruse. Laurie says the biggest one is "then when and where did this 'Tara' abuse you if you've already claimed you had no social contacts as a child?" Of course I could claim she was the only one, but really I don't want to get all tangled up in falsehood... geez this is awful. Why am I so scared to bring this up? I want to finally discuss this with a therapist after burying the pain (which I STILL keep insisting is "fake and stupid") without traversing too far into the difficult and unsteady topical ground that is headspace. I just don't like telling lies, ever, even the protective kind... and Julie isn't too happy about me refusing to acknowledge her struggles and existence in light of this whole thing anyway. But we'll get to that. First, point three.
Our third point-- which falls on an unfortunately very related note-- is that I haven't been sleeping well. I've been having nightmares, in which I either die or am involved in an apocalyptic scenario, and I've been waking up several times during the night. Not only that, but it's taking me anywhere from one to three hours to fall asleep in the first place now. I can't say for sure why this is, at least not with total conviction. I do, however, know why I haven't been able to sleep since Monday... and why my literal nightmares haven't been as bad as they could be.
I'm having those when I'm still awake.
That's what brings me here.

If you haven't been reading my bloodier entries on adflixerunt, I don't blame you. However, as stated there, around 2AM on Sunday the 17th I tried to talk to Celebi, hoping that she would have some sort of advice on what to do with our now-mangled timeline. She felt off, somehow, moreso than usual, and since I was already tired, sick, and emotionally wrecked, I called her out on it.
She melted into tar.
It literally scared the life out of me-- a fright that turned into horror when the next words out of her darkly grinning mouth were "don't you remember, bitch? When did you first see me up here?"
Now, I did mention this briefly on Scribbld, but it bears both repeating and further explanation. The "Celebi" in our system appeared in January of 2012, completely without warning. This is notable for one very, VERY big reason: on January 4th of that same year, I abandoned the "Gaia" misnomer I had been given in our beta timeline, and adopted my new one: Eros, or Cupid. This name hadn't been randomly handed to me either; on the contrary, I was led to it through a stunningly gorgeous chain of synchronicity that may not have begun on but at least climaxed on December 23rd of 2011. However, the biggest switch with respect to Sunday was that the old "Gaia" name had been fittingly given to my OLD self, so to speak... the one that shattered into splinters, and the one that, for years, identified as a Celebi herself. January 4th was the date I forever shed that childhood identity, becoming reborn into my new and true role. However, January11th was the day I declared that I had "stopped Tar hacks for good," now that I understood how my role affected my understanding of the energy it was warping. That's when stuff got weird.
On the 12th, I said this: "I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green." I also said, "The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it." Sound like a warning sign yet? If not, just take a look at THIS sentence... "Fast-forward to November 2011...The game was scratched, started anew... but we had managed to rise above the old system, and so we survived, to be brought into something new and yet so familiar. The 12th introduced our oldest and yet heretofore hidden adversary, the tar. By the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place, but I could no longer be trapped there. I knew I was lost, but I knew I could get out, although I also knew it would be incredibly difficult."
This is what happened on January 18th. Understand the title now?
So yeah. I completely missed all the warning signs the first time around, but in those early weekend hours, staring into inhumanly blue eyes, they all hit me like a bullet to the brain.
When Celebi appeared in my headspace, I didn't recognize her. To quote myself, she was "an individual I had never known nor seen before. She wasn't the Celebi I had known since my youth; she claimed she was 'from the movies.'" I didn't question it... and by the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place... you get the picture.
I daresay I don't have to mention the fact that, when we first visited the Razor Spire, the Tar specifically turned into a Celebi form to scream at me about my self-hatred and "inner suicide," refusing to forgive me, refusing to listen to me. And now I just remembered that, last summer, I was warned by a friend about a "green threat" in my headspace... I guess that was it, too.
Geez. his is all bothering me like you wouldn't believe, though... because we had a freaking incident while we were in Utah! However I haven't re-read it since this tar thing happened, and I really should... it could have the exact answers I need. I won't waste time analyzing all of that right now, though... there are more pressing matters to discuss.
Anyway, I managed to run away from her, just barely. I then noticed that my old Celebi plush was in the bedroom, after not having been there for fear of it for weeks beforehand. I grabbed it, soberly walked down the hallway, and threw it under a table. I felt nothing. Then I went back to bed, praying for sleep. Upon waking up a few hours after this incident, though, I decided to speak to Ryou. He, too, felt weirdly off and I called him out on it, explaining how even our words felt empty and false, and I was concerned.
Then he grinned, too... and there was the tar, laughing. "I thought I had you this time!"
So yeah. Sunday was not a good day.
There is one bit of hope, though. Although I will admit it terrified me when Ryou, of all people, went tarry on me, he does have one key element to his existence that Celebi does not: his Yami. True, he wasn't anchored to headspace and so he 'dissolved out' back in 2005 or so, but seeing how Marik's Yami actually came back this year, rather dramatically, AND both of them were resurrected (at least temporarily, as it was tar-based, AND Marik's Yami was more of a splinter while Ryou's was a whole other person, so we might just be dealing with two Tar doppelgangers here) during our double 4th incident in November, this could be something to look into. Once again, I will do that tonight or tomorrow, whenever I have time. Let me continue my current train of thought first.
When I recovered enough from the shock of Sunday morning, I grabbed that Celebi plush from under the hall table and marched out to the porch with it... and promptly began flinging it at the walls. I spent about two minutes trying desperately to burn off all the shame, pain, and rage she had brought over the past year, no longer caring whether or not the plush was damaged. I thought back to when I wanted to burn it, how everyone told me not to. Now, looking for someone to stop me from slamming her anchor plush into cold stone, I found no one. Even the plush felt empty, dead, barren. I knew it was over. Whatever may have been there before, it was over. The jig was up. I looked at the lifeless thing on the floor for a moment longer, feeling nothing but absolute loathing, and instantly I knew what to do. I was going to keep her from lying to me ever again, I swore. I was going to make her anchor match her true face. So I went back into the house and got a knife, scissors, and paint.
Please understand that, by this point, I was such an emotional wreck that I had slipped far beyond any semblance of my rational self.
I grabbed the plush and cut its eyes out.
I then proceeded to paint it black, stabbing it here and there with the knife, sawing its mouth open, contemplating tearing off its wings. I spent about two hours mutilating it. Still, I felt nothing.
When I was too tired and cold to continue, I went inside, alone, and I don't remember the rest of the day.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... maybe I asked for it.

See, the reason why I even started this huge Celebi-centered paragraph in the first place was simply to give you some needed backstory, so that you would understand the next thing I am about to say.

Around 3AM on March 19th, I was hacked.
Literally.

It was so traumatic that when it was over, I curled up in a corner of the bathroom and sobbed, after trying and failing to scrub the pain away.
I don't remember how it started. I have a vague recollection of her, tar-dripping and horrible, suddenly looming over me, but that's it. What I do remember is screaming for help. Laurie eventually did show up (when she found me) and did everything in her power to try and save me, but it wasn't working. I'm almost positive that Leon and Lynne were with her, too (I know for a fact that Leon's warping ability was needed at one point).
Unfortunately, the Tar has gotten smarter.
It warped me out.
I have no idea where it and I ended up then, but we were unreachable. It felt like that horrible week after February 24th, when I couldn't feel or sense anyone upstairs: I kept trying to get the attention of anyone in headspace, begging for help, sending out frantic threads into the surrounding mindscape in hope of reaching something. No such luck. I was trapped.
...
I don't know how to refer to that thing anymore. Do I just call it "tar?" Should I use the "Tara" name or is that being too personable? Or is Celebi's name the one I should use? It looked like her... everything about it was her. It was her, who am I kidding, we all know that whole identity was faked. The whole time it was her, painted like an oilslick, mocking me, ruining me.
Julie was never so cruel. Yes, she did some horrible things to me during her time as the Tar's mistress, but now that it's attacking me like this... I don't want to think about it, let alone talk about it. My mind keeps shorting out when I try anyway.
Two times she tore the life out of me. Perhaps it was karma, divine retribution for what I did on January 15th of this year... for the 17th of last year. All I know is that it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced, to feel so completely helpless and ravaged and yet convinced that maybe I deserved it.
Still, no amount of self-loathing could chase away the sheer panic I felt when she jumped on me a third time.
I shut my eyes against the pain, and screamed for my boss.

He heard.

The next thing I knew, he was literally throwing her off me, his normally calm face tight with fury. Someone with soft white hands helped me to my feet, and in dull surprise I realized it was Unisalia, in her human guise. Then the hands gripping my shoulders were his, and I don't remember what he said, but then the space around us shattered and suddenly we were in Central.
Laurie, Leon, and Lynne all ran over to me then, terrified but relieved, asking my boss where in the world I had been, what happened, so on and so forth. I don't remember it because my brain was in shock.
Right around then is when I stumbled into the bathroom in physicality and collapsed, wrapping my arms around myself and crying soundlessly, too hollowed-out to want anything but sleep.
I went back to bed and boss took me aside upstairs, saying he was going to do his best to heal me. He and Unis then warped me to a dimly-lit, stark, but safe and familiar place. It was the waiting room from this dream, and sure enough, who came running to meet us but the suited man (he's actually known as the "Pale Man" from what I've heard) and his chandelier-girl assistant. Now, you guys probably don't know this, but remember how in that dream he allegedly had the ability to "bring drawings to life?" This is actually because of a paintbrush he owns: with it, he can literally paint things into existence. This is why boss brought me to him-- if something had been torn out of me by the Tar-Celebi, then perhaps he could help me paint it back. Anyway, Pale Man was out of breath when he reached us, and had already begun talking to Mr. Sandman and Unis about the situation when he noticed me (I had waved at the chandelier-girl then, and she had shyly waved back). The Pale Man paused, obviously recognizing me, then said "beautiful boy," in a quiet but realizing voice, effectively correcting his dialogue from the dream I met him in. He then began to apologize, but boss smiled and waved a hand, saying it wasn't really necessary-- my gender warped in dreams just as his apparently did, as our forms were not locked-in as we traveled. Boss then added that this was normal for Sandmen, after all. Pale Man paused yet again, then breathlessly asked "he's the Apprentice??" Boss nodded, but quickly added that "that wasn't the concern right now," and gave him a quick summary of what I had just endured, explaining that we needed his abilities for some emergency care. Pale Man nodded and took out his paintbrush, walking over to me, but he seemed confused, saying that he wasn't sure what needed to be done. Now I was already starting to shut down at this point, but this was a hidden blessing on a mental level as all my walls were gone. I dimly asked Pale Man if I could use the paintbrush. He glanced quickly at my boss for a moment, who nodded his approval and told him not to worry-- I could handle such a responsibility, and knew how to operate such artifacts (I didn't realize until the next day that asking for his brush could have been viewed as criminally out-of-place if I hadn't held such an "honorable position"). So he handed it to me, and immediately I painted the first thing that came to mind... a faucet and handle, tapped directly into my lower abdomen. Truthfully all I could think of was how disturbing it had been seeing Lynne pull out gobs of tar from that area back in February, after having seen Braeden do the same back in SLC. I knew that if there was anything in me that didn't belong, it needed to get out before I could put anything bright back in... and after that hellish experience, I knew for a fact that I was effectively toxic from how much she had infected me with.
I think I vaguely mentioned that I "needed something to drain this into," because I do recall someone manifesting either a vortex or a container of sorts before I turned the handle. I'll tell you what, though... I'm glad I was in such a daze, because I think if I had seen that much tar come pouring out of my stomach sober, I would have had another breakdown. As it was, though, it was a huge relief knowing it was going away. But seriously, there was a LOT. Just... this torrent of black gushed out, and I just waited until it stopped. That was it. Afterwards Pale Man was kind and wise enough to transmute the collected tar into White headspace energy (you can do that if you have it in a neutral state-- it's just energy after all, like everything else, and if it's not currently being used maliciously it's rather simple to return it to pure constructive energy) so that it didn't reinfect anyone. However I now had no idea what to do with this spigot in my stomach, and briefly wondered if Pale Man had magic paint thinner or something before the chandelier-girl walked over to me. The Pale Man said erasing things was her job, as she reached out and delicately touched the contraption. It turned a soft glowing white where she did so, like a candle flame, and then to my astonishment it began to "phase out" into nothingness, becoming transparent and glowy-white in its entirety as it did so, and steadily dissolving like ashes into the air. It was quickly gone, and I thanked both her and the Pale Man for their help.
I know there was more conversation here, but my memory is shot and I was already so dead tired by then that all I recall for sure is Mr. Sandman and Unis (who I think was her normal unicorn self at this point; I think she had a star on her forehead like Amalthea? I'll have to look again) both bringing me back downstairs, promising to watch over me during the night, and expressing their sorrow that such an event had occurred at all.

So that's that. Now for today.

I already summarized this earlier, so let's skip straight to the bit about Julie not liking my wanting to lie about the Tar. First, though, I must give you some context... I didn't drive for most of the way up. Not only was I still a bit of a mess, but I was exhausted from not sleeping well. So, Josephina decided to drive. It was pretty hilarious, but his valley-girl speech pattern prompted me to dizzily ask if Julie talked like that? Julie then spoke up from upstairs (somewhat offended) that no, she didn't, and she didn't like the assumption simply because she used to be blonde/ tan/ etc. There was a bit of arguing here, which somehow ended up with us wondering how Waldorf talked? So she got into the drivers seat, but we were all shocked when she couldn't talk. This worried me-- blue voices becoming mute is a sign of instability in that slot, either with me or them-- but she insisted it was okay via body language. She then left, explaining that it was just because she wasn't skilled at driving yet, and that lack of skill is what caused the voice break. Anyway, it was at this point that Julie insisted on driving, so I let her, but Laurie's immediate question was "why are you so pissed off?" because she had been acting quite negatively lately. To our surprise, Julie exclaimed "am I the only bloody person up here who cares about what happened on Tuesday?!"
The rest of the drive consisted of her essentially pouring her heart out (angrily!) to us, explaining how she refused to pretend that everything was okay here, especially when the "same thing she risked her life to escape was STILL hurting me in the way it had through her." Understandably this was tearing her apart. But yeah, this went on for about 15-20 minutes, until we were almost at the office, and now Laurie and Julie were fighting over driving rights, with Laurie insisting that everyone "chill the heck up" (chill out and shut up) while Julie kept saying that we just didn't understand what she was going through and how important this was. Ultimately Lynne shoved her way in and told everyone to just calm down. This made Julie even more distraught though, and Laurie also questioned her on this, asking "aren't you supposed to balance, not ignore?" Lynne was rather flustered though, and admitted that she was at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. So we all collectively shrugged our shoulders and decided we'd figure it out after the appointment. So I then had about five minutes to try and get back into the body, which was difficult as hell actually, especially with all the lingering energy from everyone else.
Anyway, the appointment came and went, and then it was time to continue with the day's errands. I stopped at my favorite natural food store (as it was right down the road, how great is that) to stock up on soap and toothpaste (as well as kale chips because I needed comfort food dude), but when I reached the checkout, I realized with shock that I had forgotten my pin number, and I only had $10 left in spending money. I apologized profusely, bought only the toothpaste and one package of kale chips (they were out of soap), and left. To my surprise, Genesis showed up, and upon catching a glimpse of my face he asked what was up. Actually, I was on the edge of an inexplicable emotional collapse, triggered by not having my debit card number (and therefore feeling utterly incompetent and helpless), but probably motivated by what I had been through over the past week. I tried to talk to him for a bit in the car, but Julie was getting REALLY mad that I kept pushing that emotional hurt under the rug, and I had to apologize to Genesis, asking him to go upstairs, as Julie decided to drive for most of the way home.
She had a place to go first, though. Context: I had $4 left in Boscovs credit from Christmas, which I obviously wasn't going to use, so Julie asked if she could. I said yes, and she made me promise to follow through on letting her buy whatever she wanted with it, covering the rest of the bill as long as she only got one thing. I agreed, knowing full well what she wanted but deciding she deserved it, and that's where I was left this morning, with my pink headvoice hellbent on going to the mall. I timidly asked why she was so avid on this point, and I will admit I was rather moved when her reply was she "wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere, even if it was just in a shared body." Owning at least one article of clothing that was hers and hers alone would do wonders towards alleviating her lingering existential dread, as it would be a tangible symbol of her existence. To anyone seeing it, and to this body wearing it, it was proof that yes, she was real.
Julie had calmed down somewhat by now, but Lynne gently asked if she could drive again for a little while, to give Julie a break. She agreed, but soon after Lynne began to front, she changed her mind, and said she'd rather give a turn to those who hadn't had one yet today. Nathaniel happened to be next in line, but not only could he barely talk, he claimed he was a little sensitive to light (it was about 9:30 AM at this point), so he politely backed out after about 20 seconds. I actually don't think Leon drove-- he still has a lot of trouble with body dysphoria, which I desperately want to help him with as I care about him dearly and that isn't easy for me to handle either-- but I do remember that Spine did. Having her front is always interesting to watch; she doesn't quite understand having muscles and skin, so her movements are rather pointed and rigid, and her speech pattern is similar. But she's adorable, so as long as she's not having trouble, we don't mind letting her out. I know Julie was getting antsy again (fearing I was going to break my promise) and kept asking to drive again, but once we hit the highway, Laurie decided "to heck with it" and took the wheel. She commented that everyone seriously needed to calm down, rhetorically adding (in a possible reference to Julie earlier) "am I the only one of us who actually looks around when they drive?" Which is true-- everyone else seems to be primarily focused on their own presence in the body, whereas Laurie and I are so comfortable sharing a space already that her focus is on her surroundings instead. So she's the only headvoice who would rather look at the scenery than talk while fronting, which I personally find incredibly endearing, but yeah. Interestingly enough, at one point she paused and then suddenly asked me, looking shocked, "is this what you get all the time?" I asked what she meant, and she clarified that there were "random thoughts and comments" springing into the body's thought processes that weren't hers. She added that they were obviously programmed, before admonishing "I hope you don't identify with that garbage?" I admitted that sometimes I did, if I wasn't paying attention, and she said that I really did need to be careful, because programs are virtually one-way-tickets to Tar City, so to speak. I promised I'd keep that in mind.
We reached the mall a few minutes later, but hilariously enough it didn't open for another 12 minutes or so. Julie was driving again of course-- she was the one going shopping, no one else-- but she actually wasn't bothered by this unexpected wait. Instead, she kicked the seat back in the car, popped in my CD of The Dear Hunter's Color Spectrum album, and skipped straight to the White tracks. And for the next 12 minutes, that is all that she did... she just closed her eyes and listened to it, smiling. Honestly I couldn't help but smile too, watching her. It was a moment I had never expected to see... there she was, Julie, inhabiting the body that everyone downstairs assumed was mine, and owning it. Hell, she drives it better than I do! But that's kind of the point. Julie, a headvoice that at one time had no hope for a normal, happy life, was having just that. In that moment, to me, it was as if she had never been anything but who she was right then... a normal girl in a normal body.
I'll tell you what, I'm really glad I had that moment, because then she walked into the mall, and headed straight for the lingerie section.
It was adorably hilarious. She wanted to look at and/or try on everything, while I was pacing back and forth upstairs, still stupidly feeling responsible for the body's "persona" and feeling rather guilty that Julie's energy did not match it. She didn't care, though-- as long as there are no mirrors around Julie typically doesn't-- and kept browsing through lady things like it was perfectly natural. And yes, it was for her, but I've never been in a lingerie section in my life, so you get the picture. To make a long story short, she picked out three brassieres that wouldn't overshoot our budget and practically danced over to the fitting room (all three were pink and/or black, obviously). Imagine her excitement when one fit perfectly-- and to top it all off, it was a hot pink one with flowery lace and glitter. I couldn't say no if I wanted to, it was too freaking perfect. So I threw my hands up in the air, laughed, and sent her over to a cashier. The transaction went down without a hitch (no questions were asked at the discrepancy between Julie's girly-pink bra purchase and the body's uber-butch appearance, thank God), but I swear to you, we had barely left the parking garage when she suddenly exclaimed: "why didn't I buy matching panties??"
The uproar that resulted from THAT was the funniest thing I have experienced in a LONG time. First she tried to go back to Boscovs, but I told her it would have been way too embarrassing as we had just left. So she asked to stop at the local K-Mart as they did sell some there (she'd eyed them before), and I acquiesced. Now I admittedly do not remember the drive from that point until we reached the place, but upon checking out the wares and ultimately leaving (no money left in the wallet for those prices), Laurie decided she had had it. As I settled back into the body (I desperately needed to relax) and watched amusedly, Laurie began wondering aloud why in the world we had just spent the past hour talking about underwear, of all things, especially considering the strangeness of our system. It struck her as bizarrely incongruous, but Julie was unfazed, and said that she wanted some, so she got some, end of story. Since everyone was now in Central she was chilling out with Lynne, and at that point Laurie incredulously asked Julie, "but you're the only one who even worries about that, right?" nonverbally referring to Lynne not having literal biology either (Julie does). Cue the best moment of this entire day, as despite this, Lynne simply smiled and pulled up her dress to reveal the fanciest Burlesque undergarments imaginable. Laurie's expression was priceless, as was Julie's squeal of delight, but THEN Josephina wandered over and answered Laurie's desperate "not you too??" with "I only wear lolita undergarments." Julie snarkily asked if that meant he wore bloomers, to which he blushed profusely and told her that he couldn't wear those with scene pants, was she insane? Lynne giggled and asked Laurie why she was so flustered about this, and Julie joined in with a grinning "yeah, don't you wear any?" Laurie exasperatedly replied "I wear pants!! I don't have anything to wear underwear for!" She asked Lynne the same thing, but she simply shrugged and said she liked wearing it anyway. Cue my favorite moment, as Laurie sighed loudly, threw her hands in the air and exhaustedly declared: "women!" I couldn't help but laugh as I corrected her, simply saying "feminine people" (Because Jo identifies as a guy but he's still over there talking about panties, so). Laurie nodded sagely and answered, "you're right, and thank you for correcting me, because my brain isn't working very well right now." Unfortunately for her, this only got worse as then the rest of Central wandered in. Wally was trying to decide what kind she would wear, which was funny enough because she doesn't wear clothing at all, but then someone asked Nat and Leon what they wore and I swear Leon turned bright red. Right about then Laurie said "that's it, I give up, I'm outta here," and left the room, adding that if any individuals wanted to do "masculine stuff" then they were welcome to join her. She then asked me if I had any music on hand that she could jam out to, as she really needed to clear her head (she looked seriously exhausted, which was amusing in context), so I said I'd look. Thankfully I had brought Razia (my iPod who is back from the dead, whoa) and put him on shuffle, which worked well enough. So Laurie, Leon, and Nat were rocking out for a while, and Chaos and Genesis got wind of this rather quickly so they joined in. The grand finale came right as we were almost home, though-- the Oliver remix of Hot Mess came up (a classic for us up here), and immediately Laurie went "dude, yes, keep this on!!" and to my surprise, brought everyone back to Central. She motioned for Waldorf to do the vocoder voice (she enthusiastically agreed), while she and Chaos waited eagerly for the 1:00 mark... and with that perfectly summed-up reaction to the day's events, stuff got awesome.
The next four minutes were a straight-up headspace dance party. It was brilliant.
What can I say, Laurie's the best at that sort of thing!

On a similarly positive note, I discovered this song today and I CANNOT STOP LISTENING TO IT.


Geez but it is late. If you couldn't tell, this entry took quite a long time to write, so I'll close up with a few notes for the next one (which needs to happen soon).
In light of the system losing it's Chartreuse slot holder what with Celebi being corrupted, we're reviewing everyone's colors again. Vermilion is still empty, and now Spine is throwing a monkey wrench in since, if she holds Brown and isn't an outspacer (a fact I actually am NOT sure of??), then it would mean Brown is a core color, and we would have to re-graph the system layout. In any case it's complicated... especially since the biggest concern is actually my color.
Everyone seems to agree that I belong in the White slot, but when I asked boss about whether or not I should move there immediately, he shook his head... I asked him why.
He said that I couldn't ascend to that slot until I solved the troubles that surrounded my current one.
Makes perfect sense to me.

I think that's a perfect observation to close this on, though, because if I kept talking about all the color stuff I've been figuring out lately I'd be on here for another three hours.
Have a good night, everyone. I promise I'll be careful.





You're a hot mess
You act like you got nothing to lose
But I've already lost my temper

I put my loving on the line for you, lady
But my spirits were low
I would have committed a crime for you, baby
Yeah, it got out of control

I know my temper's been kinda crazy
I need somebody
What?
I need someone
Your love is real but I just feel suffocated
I feel so lonely
What?
I feel so numb

I thought we had this conversation already
Do you really want to go through this all over again?