bodyache

[prismaticbleed]

I don't know why I'm updating.

The past several weeks have been terrible. I was in the local psych ward for 5 days, was on a med-induced ride to hell for the week following that, and now I am trying and failing to cope with my family (as usual) while I wait to hear back from my new hospital-chosen therapist with an appointment date.
In short, I am not doing well.

I had a panic attack or something around 1AM last night. I've been having them every day now and it is horrifying. I've never had them before in my life.
My father is letting me stay at his apartment next week if I want to. I think I may have to. I can't be here anymore. I'm just afraid that since it's so cold there, my shaking will only get worse. I don't want that happening again.
It's noteworthy to mention that my body/gender dysphoria has absolutely gone through the roof. I am terrified of my own skin and now that I've been forced to stop self-abusing (I don't want to go back to the ward, ever), my driving need for catharsis is killing me. I can't deny that I have a pain addiction, but making myself sick and terrified to even breathe does not help. Yet I keep doing that to myself.

I keep thinking back to Utah and wondering if I should go back or not. It's not a good environment for me, and I have no way to survive out there, but Mel lives there and they are the only person here that I actually feel supported by. I need someone around that is willing to listen and care, but they're so far away and that can't change for a while. But my family won't listen or care, and with their harsh self-righteous attitudes on top of my sick fragility and panic, this is heading for disaster.
I'm not suicidal. I'm just scared out of my mind.

I've been having nightmares every night and I've been hacked in them twice so far. My parents are threatening me with re-hospitalization whenever I so much as express my opinion. I can't sleep, I can't eat without wanting to throw up. I can't calm down.

I don't want to go back to the psych ward, but it feels like I'm stuck between seconds. My entire body is in pain and I don't know why. I can't stop shaking and it hurts to breathe. I have nowhere to go and no one to go to. Right now, everything is hinging on that one therapist calling back, because he's the guy who is supposed to help me get out of this house and into transitioning.
Sure, my time in the hospital helped my self-confidence. Sure, I've stopped blaming myself for everything my family does. However, I still can't look this mask in the eyes, and I'm still getting the blame thrown on me regardless of what I do.

Chaos and Laurie have become my lifelines. I can't even work with how much pain I'm in. I've been trying to get this cataloguing work done on my other computer for days now, but I can't concentrate in this house... I wish I had my own car, then I could get out of here and into peace. Maybe that's why I'm in so much pain... this stuff shouldn't be stuck inside me. I'm internalizing every problem around me and I am downright terrified that it is killing me. I've felt so close to death this past week it's sick.

I have faith that I'll get through this, but I'd like to get through it in a healthy condition. I'm not sure if that's possible. I can't even seem to land a job, and I need the income to pay for my medical expenses... it's such a cruel loop.
I feel like crying all day and it's not depression, it's desperation. I need to change this. I'm a light stuck in a dungeon.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm going to get some sleep.
Pray the nightmares don't destroy me in the meantime.