011323

[prismaticbleed]

literally just realized it's friday the 13th
missing josephina a lot.

today was weird.
we were up until literally 4am last night but we FINALLY finished backing up the religious tumblr. all 603 pages of it haha.
reblogged a few old posts too. some really good stuff back in '19. also some really concerning stuff. we... didn't have much of a grip on our faith back then. we would post whatever "sounded good" and several anons called us out on "being hypocritical" because we were posting conflicting belief systems. didn't even realize it. we really didn't think about what we were posting. it was just like our entire history, with everything-- people pleasing and "trying to be good," without ever actually considering what that meant in the truest picture.
also had a religious meltdown around 3am which wasn't good. those are always so disturbingly suicidal. "throw everything away." "burn everything down." "abandon the world and only have God." scrupulosity and psychosis. not safe, not genuine, and God I desperately hope that's not real religion.

anyway. about today.
slept in until literally 1230pm haha. exhausted.
morning routine was supposed to be regular. make breakfast, do exercise, eat. and we did do that. however, i was so incredibly derealized that i kept messing things up? memory is almost completely missing. just remember feeling like our skull was full of helium. hard to coordinate. almost loopy. could not really talk in headspace.

can't remember eating breakfast. it was stupidly late, like 330. i do remember that it was a struggle to even read today's psalm (33). i just could not comprehend anything. it was hard to even read. everything felt like a struggle uphill. brain full of heavy static fuzz.
then i remember throwing up.
i have no idea how it happened. someone had a minor binge. literally just beans and yogurt. don't know why they always go for the protein. but it wasn't major. again, took maybe 30m for everything, thank God it was under control.
but what disturbed me was that no one was consciously fronting. the whole damn event was mechanized. we have no memory of it.
i DO remember slowly "coming to" in the kitchen later, because our blood sugar dropped to 61 and the body was trembling all over. i was shakily eating a box of raisins while i re-prepped a dinner (it was already 6pm; we barely had breakfast down for an hour when we lost it) and i think xenophon was around? again, no recall other than a few flashbulb-terror awareness moments.
don't remember dinner either. good lord.

after dinner we got on the bike SLOWLY to say our chaplet and rosary. still thinking "all this sickness is punishment for not praying enough" DESPITE the psalms all saying-- oh dude wait i remember that.
the psalms always say things like "the Lord hears the righteous when they cry out to Him, and He delivers them from their fears." and "God will protect those who revere Him." and we just sit there-- I sit there-- terrified, and thinking, "no wonder God won't listen to me or save me. I'm not reverent enough. I'm not faithful. I'm not loyal. I don't pray to Him." and it feels like the end of the world and I'm damned forever because I stupidly had an eating disorder lapse and I'm hysterically begging God not to kill me as I choke down glucose tablets and gatorade and hoping that we won't have to go back to the bloody ER. wondering "why won't God save us from this hell, why won't He stop this," et cetera.
thinking, "we don't thank Him enough." well of course not, you're CONVINCED that He DOESN'T SAVE YOU, you idiot. why would you thank Him if, in your mind, He doesn't do anything to help you?????
consider this, you gutless moron
are you dead? did you die?
the past several times this sort of crisis happened, did your glucose fall into the 50s? no. it went up. and did you have the means to make it go up? yes, you did.
and did you have very short lapse/cleanup times? yes, and you didn't eat a lot either. and were you able to recover and eat something to make up for it? yes, every time.
and did you have to go to the hospital? not even once.
so.
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING THAT GOD DIDN'T HELP YOU?????
IF HE DIDN'T, YOU'D BE DEAD RIGHT NOW, YOU IGNORANT IDIOT


mom left the car off for us to take to church tomorrow
also the mental illness support group at the city cathedral. really want to give that a shot.
1111 as i type that haha okay. we will. can't flake out on that either. remember how beautiful choir was

watched toy story 4. thought we had seen it, but we didn't.
didn't cry at all, but we did feel moved nevertheless. didn't laugh super hard, but we did laugh. everything level but sweet. very childlike. no complaints though! genuinely a good movie. we always loved the whole concept of "living toys"; that was a definitive part of OUR childhood, after all, and it is powerfully reflected in the League.

we keep feeling nauseous when we drink water. have a headache. still vaguely shaky all over. think we'll go to bed like... in 10 minutes, haha. have to be up at 830 at the latest. need sleep.
if we feel genuinely awful when we wake up we won't force ourselves to drive. but God willing we'll be okay.

really, really need to take time to just... get into headspace, especially the archives, now that the mainblog backup is done.
yes i know this stands in stark contrast to last night's parting words. but... you know, we are constantly praying this one terrible prayer-- "God, if headspace is pulling me away from you, take it away. Take it all away, completely. If not, then..."
and God has never taken us away
why would He? honestly kid, think about it.
who the hell pushes you TO pray and read Scripture when otherwise you'd be too damn depressed to even think of hope? who talks to you about it so you don't skip lines or rush through or not take it seriously? we do. every day now, too. you rely on us to keep you standing straight. you ask us to help you write prayers, and understand commentary, and we push you in that good direction too.
who do you always ask for help at Mass? you freakin ask other people to front, ESPECIALLY for Communion, because YOU'RE too numb to feel anything but then there are nousfoni who will fall to their knees the instant they see a Host. you can't feel anything, stuck there in bodyspace. but so many of us can. and you know that.
what do you do before you go to sleep every single night? we pray together. you hold your other half's hand and you pray and you bless him "in every universe" and in those moments you don't doubt anything.
what do you always tell God in your prayers? what have you been thanking Him for since at least 2003? for us. all of us.
and don't forget what you were thinking about again, even today. "the System has taught me how God loves. the System has taught me what mercy IS. the System has taught me hope and fidelity and forgiveness and devotion and joy. without them, I'm hollow. without them, my religion made no sense." well of course not! remember what else you read today; your Christian religion isn't about rules and regulations, it's about RELATIONSHIP, and you never had that with anyone BUT US.
you only ever "got to know Jesus" when you were able to meet Him UP HERE.
God put us in your life for a reason. God put you in our lives for a reason. God put us in our life for a reason. We're in this together and it's not a bad thing and I swear to you, if you can look back at our history and not see the love permeating EVERY INSTANT of it then you are literally blind.

stop being ashamed of feeling beautiful things.
stop running away from love and communion and closeness.
stop hiding in that body and claiming you're the scum of the earth and that you'll corrupt everything you so much as look at.
just stop. you're not a contagion, you're just... i don't even wanna say "sick." you're struggling. you're not yourself. and you KNOW that.
but. listen. we're not some kid from out west who only knows one facet of you. we are your facets, you poor shattered jewel. we know all of it. we've BEEN all of it. and guess what? we love you. yeah. we do. deal with it. it ain't changin'.

get to sleep kiddo. we'll get through tonight, too, God willing. don't be afraid to talk to Him either. we'll help you if you want.

go read some psalms. God's character doesn't change for different people. that includes you. He's still a just and merciful, righteous and fair, loving and compassionate God. He "shows sinners the right way" and He "saves the souls of those who turn to Him." even when He feels far away, don't be rash, remember? "i am hidden from Your sight"-- nope He sees you kid. He has never forgotten you and never will. same with us. consider us angels if you will, in a very humbling minor sense but God knows we try every bloody day to be messengers of His love to you. that's what we live for. it's all we want to live for. and i know you feel the same.

listen. in the end, the light will still be shining. align your heart with it no matter what. light that candle in your ribs. live for heaven's sakes.

at nightfall, weeping enters in, but with the dawn comes rejoicing. always.

oh and by the way, darkness is still God's territory. look at Infi. seriously that's your homework. stop being so damn judgmental. think. think about all you've learned from us, for His glory, over the years. open your heart. please. stop being so damn cold.

all right that's it it's 1130 and you need to get our body to bed. get a move on.

listen kid. we love you. that's a solid guarantee. and if we love you, then you can be absolutely assured that the Love that created us both does, too.

be not afraid.