010723

[prismaticbleed]

saturday.

don't remember morning. think we slept in.

breakfast we were super distracted. even forgot to take the app photo of it to keep track. brain just fuzzy as all heck.
still striving to do bible study. me & mimic just going nuts with etymology, haha. i love how irked he gets when verses start using repetitive descriptors, like the same adjectives over and over again. "well now they're just throwing cliches around." insists on me looking them up and clarifying the phrase so it means something. irritatedly calls me out when i "rush through" something or don't really register what i read. honestly i never would have thought to be so exact on my own, at least, not whoever is typing. maybe jay would have, but for different reasons. mimic is just all "don't give me that flowery language" and demands clarity, demands we speak with awareness of what exactly we're saying. loves to pick things apart, stab holes in arguments. he got in another big quarrel with laurie recently i think? and whoever the presenting core was. oh! no it was with chaos 0! they had a REALLY heated discussion about something. both of them speaking sharply and playing devil's advocate so to speak. really really interesting. i don't have details i'll see if someone else does.
but yeah his insistence on thorough explanations (doesn't want to be "deceived" or "talked down to" or "misled") is helping US a lot. making us take our own reading and speaking more seriously. more integrity. we need that. too much automatic behavior in our life for too long. to little conscious choice. too little self-awareness.

went to the first saturday adoration at church. there from 230 to 5pm.

went to confession. told father that we were terrified in studying psalm 22 and reading that "god shows himself as pure to the pure, and faithful to the faithful, BUT to the wicked he will be wicked"... saying that we felt WE were so inherently wicked that God WOULD NOT be kind or merciful to us EVER. that he would always ignore our prayers and treat us harshly because "that's the kind of person we are." terrified that we're bad to the core and cannot change. don't want that to be true, but it's the dreadful conviction we have lately. like we're such a bad guy we can never become a good guy, ever. and God will treat us accordingly no matter how much we pray and beg him to help. legit scared to death of this. want to be friends with God like the bible talks about, but "God doesn't make friends with scumbags like you." etc.
in light of this just dumped everything out. anger issues, body image obsession, self-hatred, avoiding family, still struggling with eating disorder and feelings of entitlement, laziness in prayer, feeling distant from God and despairing as a result, etc. hurting our body. not being honest with others. the usual shameful spiel.
father reminded us of monsignor esseff telling us "the root of all your sins is pride" years ago. hit us hard. like being punched in the gut. forgot about that. but it's disturbingly true.
the eating disorder "recovery" has brought that into starkly sickening sharpness. becoming "fat" and "unattractive" and "unhealthy" and "AVERAGE" has been... honestly disturbing. it has shaken up some part of us that legit boasted in being different than "everybody else," as false and shallow as that proclamation was. but it was anchored in the gender dysphoria. we remember cannon, in college, looking at the girls with stomach fat hanging over their belts and grimacing, absolutely disgusted, and vowing to never look like that. to never be like them. but now... we gained 35 pounds and we do look like that. it is absolute existential horror. but... we're stuck here. and it's forcing us to realize just how brutally we unconsciously condemned others for looking like this. even just out of fear. we're shamed and humiliated and genuinely sorry but we still haven't been able to STOP thinking like that.
that's what's upsetting me the most about this.
part of us genuinely wants to be "superhuman" concerning the body. that part of us does NOT want to look "average," or "normal," or "like everyone else," because it doesn't want to be human. it doesn't want to be "common folk." it wants to stand out as "more than human." super thin, super distinct, nothing "carnal" or "ugly" or anything else associated with physical existence. THAT'S where it all comes from. "more fat and flesh means more physicality." more body means less spirit. more form means less soul. THAT'S the true fear here, that's where all our panic comes from.
deep down, we're convinced that the larger the number on the scale gets, the smaller our capacity for spiritual existence will become. "one or the other" in an inverse relationship.
we're terrified. now that we look like a human, does that mean we'll become... like all those hideous stories we read online? or see on tv and in the movies? or read in books? THOSE humans? "regular people?" they scare us to death. but if we look like them now... are we, too, damned to that sort of existence?
do you hear the pride talking? it's jarring. "i don't want to be evil like them." well then what the hell ARE you, you whore? you devil? with ALL the sins you've committed, all the damnable offenses and abominable deeds, all your selfish cruelty and coldness, you think you haven't sinned???
but the fear is of being disgusting. of being animalistic. THAT is what registers as "evil." sensual stuff.
somehow, the "plague" sins that are icy and clean-cut don't "scare" us as much as simply having stomach fat does. isn't that bizarre?
we need to sit and work through this. but... yeah. pride is a vice we are actively being crushed by, and we've never realized, because we thought that's what was keeping us safe and good. but there was no purity in that "goodness." it was all based on some arbitrary set of rules and judgments, not on love or compassion or kindness. no, we "held ourself on high" in our rail-thin body and idolized that shape as "proof that we weren't as base as everyone else." we were ice and metal and glass, sharp and clean and clear, hating things like skin and hair and fat. we HATED the body and honestly we still do. it's taking an ironic toll on our morality, too-- "if we're doomed to be evil now, why even try to be good?" giving up on the virtuous tendencies we did have, because "they don't match the body." like we "can't" be gentle and kind because "this kind of body is INCAPABLE of such behavior." THAT is disturbing. it's also why the cores haven't really been fronting-- our body hasn't been this heavy in OVER FIFTEEN YEARS. NO ONE IDENTIFIES WITH IT. it feels utterly foreign and unsafe and frightening. so... it's like we've given up on life, in a real way. how could we live, in this form that is all of our fears solidified into some gross glob that we're forced to inhabit?

oh yeah. by the way.
we aren't sure who is writing most of these entries.
we've been thinking about a lot of the stuff written here lately, especially that mysogynistic fury, and the cores DON'T hold that. jay doesn't hate anyone; like infi, his deepest function is love, and amazingly it seems to be centered in his "fatherhood." he looks at those photos of young blond girls and he sees them as daughters; there is NO animosity at all; he wants to protect and cherish them and he instinctively cares deeply for them. HOWEVER there is also a response to those photos from an old Core we THINK is "glissando"??? whoever was in the macbook days. the blue backgrounds and max richter. the one who genuinely loves girls. that is SO RARE. but she STILL RESPONDS to that. which is notable.
anyway. there is also still some "fear response" to girls, but it is DISTINCTLY FROM THE CHILDREN. when we feel that fear, attentively, it is CHILDLIKE and not hateful at all. for protector nousfoni, the response to seeing the girls is totally neutral, with just a vigilant thought for their well-being, along the lines of "they better not let anything corrupt them. but if they are, i will protect and save them." no personal bias, just that job.
so WHO THE HECK HATES THEM. that's a scary realization, that someone we don't know holds that BUT THAT PERSON IS WHO IS CURRENTLY UPDATING HERE. they sure aren't inside. they sure aren't a core. and they sure don't speak for us as a whole.
so why the heck are they getting this privilege? is it simply because they're anchored to a stressful body-mindset and get pushed into typing duty by default?
we need to be more consciously plural, then. no wonder we've been so "depressed" lately. if THAT kind of person is who has been running the show, keeping us all out, then it's inevitable that the body and mind would both spiral into misery.

anyhow. we sat down on the main floor, not the choir loft, for mass. the pew behind where we used to sit with our grandmother. felt surreal.
almost forgot it was the holy water blessing mass! lucky us since we were at the end of the pew and in front, we got hit FULL FORCE with the holy water sprinkling broom, haha. felt like a kiss from god. meant a great deal to us, after everything.
after mass of course we went up front, filled a little plastic cup with holy water, and drank it like a shot. all at once, with great purposefulness. jay pointedly fronted for a moment to do just that, pushed right through social mode to do so. that instant is actually in our memory as a result-- nothing else. feels like a diamond mote in a sunbeam. same vibe as childhood christmas memories in church. that's so notable. we can see the light and the poinsettias and everything. we can taste the water. but only for that moment, with white hair and an open heart.
some lady from mass gave us $10 as we left and said "happy new year." nearly teared up from that. absolute godsend though now we can finally put gas in our poor car haha. god works through his people for sure

got home and watched brave before we ate. so convicted about our relationship with our mother, and our vice of pride.
all the focus on "obligatory marriage" scared us too. felt our brain slipping hard. scared to death at the thought of being put in a similar position. like literally terrified to the point of dissociating.
the stark "super masculine super feminine" contrasts were scary, too, and exhausting. like... either you're a brutal, violent, dirty, "manly man" OR you're a "princess." yes the main character did push against that, but "not enough" for her to feel safe for us. she was still evidently female, which is fine for her, but it just... was so dissonant in our brain. yeah she liked archery and wasn't dainty with her eating or running about, but she still wore dresses and had long flowing hair. ALSO when she put on that dress and tied her hair up so her silhouette was round it was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING. something about that "round" or "curved" shape, no wild hair or scattered edges or sharp points, is the SCARIEST THING IN THE WORLD to us, and has been for AGES. but why is our brain SO focused on APPEARANCES??? is it because we were always forcibly defined by them as we grew up?
also... it's exhausting, again, when an "i don't want to be a princess" character is ALWAYS impulsive, stubborn, loud, reckless, witty, etc. always pushed towards that same frustrating "edge" of masculinity. tiring. why are we so damn judgmental. are we just aching to see someone like one of us for once? we're not going to get it, it's impossible. stop projecting onto others. let them be who they are.
we're just... so afraid. why? is it because we never see any reflection of ourselves? and that makes us feel even more unreal? or makes us feel like we are forced to change to be something we're not, just to exist?
why is everything always about fear and judgment. always "is this a threat" in some way. so so tired of this.

still. that's definitely standing between us and our having a better relationship with our mother, too.
we are frightened of her, for stupid reasons. she looks and smells like a woman. she talks like one. she's too big and loud and extroverted. scares us. WHY. we don't know. we do love her and care about her but she still frightens us because of those superficial things.
god what is wrong with us why are we so damned broken

tired don't remember anything else from today.