120723

 

SNOW AND ADORATION ❄💙🤍
Absolute perfection. Literally felt like heaven.

Biking time cut as a result of weird schedule today.
Body wanted to push exertion though, it gets "hungry" for exercise and legit nauseous if we stop too soon. Put Spotify on, inspired to listen to Anna Lapwood "Drop Down Ye Heavens" for the first time... and IT WAS SO ACHINGLY BEAUTIFUL I WAS IN TEARS.

BK prep with new frying pan and knives.
Takes longer but it does work, thank God, we were panicking over it actually as we are prone to.

SOOT TABLE???

Mom call blasting Pogo
"Fight or flight" response, overwhelmed. HUNG UP.
Desperately tried to make up for it in kindness with return phone call
Then BROKE DOWN SOBBING because I was MEAN TO MOM AGAIN.
The guilt was UNBEARABLE.
I couldn't stop crying from contrition, felt like the world had ended, I was doomed. Couldn't eat, wanted to cry so hard I would throw up.
Suddenly got the inexplicable and powerful push, not nudge, to read today's Passion devotional.
It was PERFECT CONSOLATION.
Thank You God, so much.


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VOTD = Hebrews 10:23.
"Scripture is filled with promises made by God for us to hold fast to. Advent invites us to reflect on the many promises and prophecies throughout the Old Testament, foretelling the coming of the Messiah. These promises and prophecies reveal how the faithfulness of God never ceases. God is a promise-maker and a promise-keeper."
1) Scripture is FILLED WITH PROMISES.
2) God makes promises FOR US TO CLING TO.
3) ALL of those promises ultimately LEAD TO JESUS???
4) God's Character is that of One Who makes promises and keeps them. The keeping is obvious-- of course God is faithful-- but the making isn't. There's an astonishing love in that very concept.
...


"God, this week, help me to rediscover that YOU are my Source of joy. Please remind me that I always have a reason to worship You. Remind me of Your blessings, and draw me closer to You."
1) The word "rediscover" is what catches my heart, here.
"Logically," I KNOW that God is my Source of Joy, but... when was the last time that reality really struck me like lightning? When was the last time I discovered that stunning beauty as if for the first time?
2) Same thing with "remind", in the context of reasons to worship. That's both scary and hopeful, for the word "always" to truly take effect. 
3) The most hope is here: "remind me of Your blessings." Oh I know I have so many, so so many, and most of them are sitting around me here in headspace. But... to be reminded, OF them AS blessings... there's so much tender love in that it makes my heart hurt like light.
It's the same with daily life, too. How many simple yet wondrous blessings do I take for granted, despite their significance in this post-addiction life era?
...


"What's on your mind today? Invite God into this moment and share your heart with Him."
...I swear, the most powerful phrases are all Infi language.
...


"We can put our hope in God because His power and majesty will last forever... Jesus will reign as King forever, and we can put our hope in His faithfulness."
I never thought about that aspect of our hope before, but it adds such strength to it. Nothing can diminish, prevent, hinder, remove, or override God's Power-- OR His Majesty! The two are LINKED.
But what is majesty? It is "greatness or grandeur of exalted rank or character, imposing loftiness, stateliness, qualities appropriate to rulership." Loftiness is "of high rank, or with a high purpose." Stateliness is "nobility, splendor." You get the idea. But applied to GOD'S POWER, it means that THIS is what defines His Rulership, NOT force or violence or arrogance or anything likewise selfish & mortal. No, God's Power is majestic, because His Character is the most exalted of all, pure Light and Love and Truth. THAT is His Power. And it is FOREVER.
I'm rambling. I'm not saying what I want to say.
...


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Reading plan =

"Why is it that the people closest to us are so often the hardest to forgive?"
And immediately in headspace,
"Ain't no one closer to you than yourself, kiddo. Well, except maybe Infi. Can you forgive Infi?"
"Yeah, because ze's terribly sorry."
"Then why can't you forgive yourself?"
...


"Like Scrooge on the last leg of his Christmas reckoning, this time alongside the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, the holly jolly season ahead may force us to come face-to-face with the very people who have hurt us the deepest. For Dickens’s unmerciful miser, the ones he hurt the most were those he spent his life short-changing: the looters at his house, poor old Bob Cratchit, and his nephew Frederick. Who in your own life has caused similar scars to the ones Scrooge etched?"
We misread this.
"TO whom in your own life have YOU caused such scars?"
What poor victim is waiting for your death, to finally take just recompense for what you robbed them of?
What poor neighbor have you snubbed in their poverty and used for your own ends, despite it?
What poor family members do you sneer at in their kindness, refusing to share their company or their joys?
You miserly wretch of a soul, hoarding your pennies of time and talent until they are snatched out of your coffined grasp, what if this is your last Christmas on earth? How many poor souls have you wounded? How many scars have you ripped into the fabric of your community? Can you bear to come face-to-face with those awful truths, if this is the last chance you'll ever get?
YOUR actions broke your parent's family apart.
YOU are the "friend" choosing selfishness over friendship.
YOU are the child walking down a destructive path.
"Hurt runs deep, especially when it’s inflicted by the people in our lives who are supposed to love us"-- that's what EVERYONE SAYS ABOUT YOU. 
...

...but then the reflection continues unexpectedly.
"Incredibly, those Scrooge wounded the most— Frederick and Bob Cratchit— chose not to hold onto bitterness and instead FORGAVE this man who had wronged them at every turn. In doing so, they showed Scrooge the power mercy can hold— how it frees not only the wrongdoer but also the person who was wronged. "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy" (Matthew 5:7)... Forgiving those who have hurt us lets them off our emotional hook, and lightens our emotional baggage. We set them loose, refuse to let them live rent-free in our heads, and as a result, free not only them but ourselves."
...is that why I can't forgive myself? Is that why I can't imagine anyone forgiving me? Am I that desperate to be hooked & kept, to have a place to live in someone's mind, however destitute a room? An i using these stuffed suitcases as a safety blanket, as the only things I have left of those I tried to love and killed instead?
Why am I afraid to be loved? Is it because the worst damage comes under THAT name, and in contrast bitterness becomes a refuge? If you hate me, you won't come close-- I'll be safe, I'll be kept at a distance, I'll be caught like a fish and mounted on the walls of your memory...
There's too much pain to unpack here. This is no place for phone typing.


"Forgiveness is such a difficult thing to practice, made even harder when the person who hurt us is a family member or close friend. [But] Jesus is the perfect example of showing mercy and practicing forgiveness towards people who "don’t deserve it"— namely, you and me! And He asks us to do the same, even when it’s far from easy. “So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when He judges you” (James 2:12-13). When done authentically, forgiveness brings freedom— a freedom that satisfies more than holding a grudge ever could.
Who are you being called to forgive this Christmas? Who needs your forgiveness? Chances are they’re just a trip down the hall or a phone call away. Will you go there? What’s one step you can take today to extend mercy to them, and [also] find freedom for yourself?"
1) Do you realize WHY Jesus forgave all of us undeserving sinners? He did it because HE LOVES US. Do you remember HOW Jesus forgave us ungrateful wretches? He did it by DYING SO WE CAN LIVE. Yes we were undeserving but WE'RE STILL HIS BELOVED PEOPLE. And it's His LOVE that fueled His unwavering ability and willingness to forgive. Guess what? It's no different for us. If you DON'T have at least a willingness to love someone, you WON'T BE ABLE TO FORGIVE THEM. If your sibling or parent or friend hurts you and you practically disown them, refusing to admit that they ARE your relative or friend... then you are disabling your own capacity for mercy.
Where does the Cross come in? Right here. You must crucify the "you" that holds the grudge. You must willingly let that part of you die, for the very sake of "redeeming" the offender that put you there, so to speak. Put your hatred & bitterness to death, so your family and friends can LIVE to you again, free of condemnation, open to hope & healing.
Christ calls you to mirror His sacrifice for His glory.
2) ...
3) ...


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Catena actually clicked today=

"If you want to serve God, prepare your heart not for food, not for drink, not for rest, not for ease, but for suffering, so that you may endure all temptations, trouble and sorrow. Prepare for severities, fasts, spiritual struggles and many afflictions, for 'by many afflictions is it appointed to us to enter the Kingdom of Heaven' (Acts 14,22); 'The Heavenly Kingdom is taken by force, and they who use force seize it'. (Matt 11:12)" (Saint Sergius of Radonezh)
1) If we are preparing our hearts for sensual & carnal things, then we are serving "the flesh." How so? Because "to serve" is "to obey, to be governed by, to comply with & conform to, to be devoted to." In your earthly preparations, focus, and expectations, you are indeed the servant of your body, of this world, and-- by subtle yet lethal extension-- of the false "prince of this world."
2) God is SPIRIT. But then, how is suffering service to Him? It is because suffering only occurs when the comforts of this world are removed, and thus your "chains" are loosed, for you to shift your obedience away from those passing emotions & drives & compulsions, that suffering actively opposes or even destroys... and instead, in their wake, when the sudden emptiness reveals a greater reality, you may pledge your allegiance to what is beyond this man-made world-- to God and His Kingdom. Suffering is simply the term used to describe physical distress, pain, lack, discomfort, etc. But when we see those things as symptoms of healing, of liberation, of detachment from the stupefying luxuries of this life... then suffering becomes a joy, a privilege, a holy desire.
2.5) Furthermore = when we seek comfort & ease & enjoyment, we will become ENTITLED, SELFISH, & SPIRITUALLY WEAK. Not only that, but we WILL be sorely disappointed, because such "self-serving" things are never ever guaranteed, and indeed are rather unnatural, products of this modern age of lazy convenience!
...
3) Temptations-- remember the other recent quotes on this topic!! They are BLESSINGS. BUT NOTICE!! If you are a slave of your ego, YOU WON'T BE "TEMPTED", BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST GIVE IN TO EVERYTHING. A true temptation REQUIRES RESISTANCE. It is meant to stage a CRISIS; however small & brief the battle may appear, however hidden & private, each temptation has this spiritually potent purpose-- to strengthen our souls in brave love for God and weaken the satisfied pride of ego.
...
4) Let's look at what we SHOULD prepare our hearts for, and why:
Temptations= the devil WILL try to mess you up. Don't let your guard down or get complacent.
Trouble= The world will oppose you, and circumstances will not be easy.
Sorrow= A tender heart WILL mourn. To not have sorrow is to have a heart of stone. Grief is a blessing in disguise.
Severity= A strange joy for the spirit; I can attest from experience. When luxuries and pleasures are all stripped away, and you are left with the bones of life, there is a secret holy bliss in the utter holy simplicity, if your heart is open to it.
Fasts= Without these the carnal nature runs rampant and forgets its proper place in submission to the Spirit.
Spiritual struggles= Inevitable in a fallen world, but the true test of a warrior for God.
Afflictions= The common lot of all mankind, the proof of our mortality, and what Christ shared in with us. Don't let pride grumble about "your handicaps of humanity."
...
5) Acts 14:22 is said by Saint Paul AFTER HE SURVIVED BEING STONED for preaching the Gospel. It is IN LIGHT OF THIS that he encouraged the Christians there to stay true to their faith, and to stand strong in it by trusting God, saying “We must suffer many things to enter God's kingdom". Virtually EVERY translation uses the phrasing "through many hardships we MUST enter." Not "will enter" or "can enter," but MUST. It isn't just a statement of inevitable circumstances-- it is an EXHORTATION. There is no other option for a Christian. We MUST enter God's Kingdom. Therefore, we must suffer a great deal. The tribulation is almost secondary?? It's to be embraced as a means of entry, because if you refuse to suffer, you're not following Christ. If you "MUST suffer," then your desire is not for creature comforts and cultural commendations, but for the Cross, with all its scandal and struggle and sorrow. Paul is saying, "don't give in or give up, even if you get stoned like me. Jesus was treated this same way. Be brave. When you are given your share in His Passion, you can even rejoice, for you know where that road leads."
...