![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
most of life has been dead, due to infinitii dying, and the core collapsing.
lotophagoi subsystem, plus hyperreligious social girls, have been running the show mostly
we are getting through in flashes, but some days things are lethally quiet upstairs
so frightened. feels like post-cnc, but we're AWARE that we're being suffocated. literally feels like murder.
cannot see future. no direction. know we HAVE to set a new foundation or the spectrum WON'T RESET because this current system "firmware" has been defunct for far too long. we NEED a total rehaul and we're at the precipice. it's just... monumental, to be facing something so huge, for the first time in many many years, and NOT as the sudden jarring consequence of a suicide attempt.
TUESDAY 16
i remember we barely got out of bed we were so tired. were we up until 3???
had to sleep in, late adoration hour.
WEDNESDAY 17:
...
YESTERDAY THURSDAY 18:
worldchanging reading, catholic pdf on mass. FINALLY explained it for first time in our life.
mclaren commentary dovetailed with it
ascension mass.
ALL THE VESPERS BELLS RANG FOR THE CONSECRATION. felt utterly transcendent.
visited dad for an hour
upset that both he and the mother always talk about pessimistic topics. is it because we listen? unload all the stress and worry on us because we "smile and nod and affirm and console" but it's a slow poison to us all
unfortunately crashed hard from sheer panic and bingepurged
up until 330??? laurie very upset
we're starting to get hollow-suicidal from all the overwhelm and despair
TODAY:
SOBBING on drive to church. grieving over infinitii. could not cope. absolute wracking sobs.
laurie in tears as well.
talking to her and chaos about mortality
laurie asking me "kid are you gonna die" like it was her own death sentence
my reassuring both her and chaos that if i did die, i've died before, and "they still recognize me." chaos has attested to this many times, that there is a heart to all the true cores that he loves and knows beyond all doubt. same with laurie.
headspace still feels like it's on the edge of oblivion. reset looming. praying to god about this but so so so afraid. so scared he's going to kill everyone and not bring anyone back
charbel healing mass.
"i am heartily sorry" = "do you really mean that?"
STOP MAKING YOUR FAITH A PERFORMANCE AND/OR CHECKLIST
penance was to "pray from the bottom of your heart"
blessings emphasized "fill our love with happiness", give us joy/ love/ HOPE
drive home oddly blissful
unfortunately didnt eat until 9pm again
CEREAL BINGEPURGE
very brief but still terrifying. total loss of control, lost grip on selfhood, felt possessed. typical.
ANGELS HELPING "BECAUSE YOU'RE LOCKED OUT OF HEADSPACE LIKE THIS"
so exhausted, could barely move, let alone think
need to be up at 8am. mental health retreat tomorrow. might only attend half, so we can safely eat, and then go to home church mass.
want to weep thinking about it though. weekends are so exhausting.
yes we love God but we are so tired of having manic-depression-bulimia-psychosis meltdowns when we finally get home and collapse
(unfinished)
lotophagoi subsystem, plus hyperreligious social girls, have been running the show mostly
we are getting through in flashes, but some days things are lethally quiet upstairs
so frightened. feels like post-cnc, but we're AWARE that we're being suffocated. literally feels like murder.
cannot see future. no direction. know we HAVE to set a new foundation or the spectrum WON'T RESET because this current system "firmware" has been defunct for far too long. we NEED a total rehaul and we're at the precipice. it's just... monumental, to be facing something so huge, for the first time in many many years, and NOT as the sudden jarring consequence of a suicide attempt.
TUESDAY 16
i remember we barely got out of bed we were so tired. were we up until 3???
had to sleep in, late adoration hour.
WEDNESDAY 17:
...
YESTERDAY THURSDAY 18:
worldchanging reading, catholic pdf on mass. FINALLY explained it for first time in our life.
mclaren commentary dovetailed with it
ascension mass.
ALL THE VESPERS BELLS RANG FOR THE CONSECRATION. felt utterly transcendent.
visited dad for an hour
upset that both he and the mother always talk about pessimistic topics. is it because we listen? unload all the stress and worry on us because we "smile and nod and affirm and console" but it's a slow poison to us all
unfortunately crashed hard from sheer panic and bingepurged
up until 330??? laurie very upset
we're starting to get hollow-suicidal from all the overwhelm and despair
TODAY:
SOBBING on drive to church. grieving over infinitii. could not cope. absolute wracking sobs.
laurie in tears as well.
talking to her and chaos about mortality
laurie asking me "kid are you gonna die" like it was her own death sentence
my reassuring both her and chaos that if i did die, i've died before, and "they still recognize me." chaos has attested to this many times, that there is a heart to all the true cores that he loves and knows beyond all doubt. same with laurie.
headspace still feels like it's on the edge of oblivion. reset looming. praying to god about this but so so so afraid. so scared he's going to kill everyone and not bring anyone back
charbel healing mass.
"i am heartily sorry" = "do you really mean that?"
STOP MAKING YOUR FAITH A PERFORMANCE AND/OR CHECKLIST
penance was to "pray from the bottom of your heart"
blessings emphasized "fill our love with happiness", give us joy/ love/ HOPE
drive home oddly blissful
unfortunately didnt eat until 9pm again
CEREAL BINGEPURGE
very brief but still terrifying. total loss of control, lost grip on selfhood, felt possessed. typical.
ANGELS HELPING "BECAUSE YOU'RE LOCKED OUT OF HEADSPACE LIKE THIS"
so exhausted, could barely move, let alone think
need to be up at 8am. mental health retreat tomorrow. might only attend half, so we can safely eat, and then go to home church mass.
want to weep thinking about it though. weekends are so exhausting.
yes we love God but we are so tired of having manic-depression-bulimia-psychosis meltdowns when we finally get home and collapse
(unfinished)
