oct 13 2015
Oct. 13th, 2015 11:23 pmWhy am I so miserable?
This house, and the people in it, makes me feel filthy, like an animal, like a zoo exhibit.
I’m tired of being watched, constantly. I’m tired of being spied on, crept after, followed, and interrogated. I’m tired of people hiding food and clothes and possessions when I’m around, I’m tired of locked doors and whispered conversations and too many secrets.
I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not anymore. It feels like I have no right to complain anyway; this is all punishment for my being a bitch, for my being an animal in the first place, for being a disgrace and an embarrassment to this family, for being a shitty child and sibling, for being a failure of a human being, for being a societal reject, for being a freak.
I don’t know. The guilt is destroying me lately.
I’m so unbearably ashamed of existing at this point. I still feel like simply being here is sinful and wrong somehow. People look at me and talk to me like they expect me to do something disgusting or damnable any moment. It’s crushing.
Am I projecting? It’s just that they don’t talk to each other like that. They don’t treat anyone else in this house like they treat me. Why?
God, I’m so lonely here. It’s so ironic. I’m only ever at home when I’m alone and away from this place.
Headspace, Heartspace, the Leagueworlds… if anything is “home” to me, they are.
I just can’t seem to tune into them often here; I’m too busy wrestling with appeasing everyone else.
STOP TALKING TO ME. GOD PLEASE. I’M SO TIRED OF THIS.
I want peace and quiet that’s it, please, let me have some alone time, I never get to be alone here,
I keep trying to “sleep with” Infi and ze doesn’t want to anymore and I NEVER wanted to but God help me I keep trying because I love hir and “maybe this will work” but for WHAT???
Why the HELL do I keep doing this.
Laurie said it’s probably the same thing as the E.D. abuse— it’s the only way to tap into headspace in this environment. Either do enough damage that people appear and scream at you, or force yourself into a situation where people appear to try and desperately save you from it.
I’m so tired. I’m so ashamed.
God I just want to be WITH hir and I’m “not allowed to” in any context but this hellish facsimile of love and I DON’T WANT IT but what the heck else do I do in this household,
But doing THAT in this household is a filthy horrendous mortal sin and I cannot forgive myself for trying
I don’t want to do that
I don’t ever want to do that god please no
I don’t want that.
Why the hell do I even try to change it, it’s NOT GOING TO CHANGE,
You can’t rewrite your cursed biology you hyper-hopeful idiot, STOP TRYING.
They make me feel so filthy. They see the body as absolutely grotesque and I’ve spent literal YEARS trying to heal that bullshit, struggling to treat this body with care and respect, and then they go and shove it straight in the garbage again with their uncaring filthy language and condemnations and sloppy disrespectful actions.
I\m starting to mirror them now out of sheer fatigue and if anything drives the guilt and shame through the roof, it’s that.
I cannot be in the room like this with another person, because the sincerity I’m trying to feel gets turned into a “promiscuous sin” by any and every family member who sees me, and I don’t WANT people seeing me, I am so SICK of being STARED AT,
God help me they aren’t bad people they are just so bloody hard to deal with.
(unfinished)