090113

 

 

there is nothing i find more therapeutic than vomiting,
and that is really sad.

yesterday was the day i planned to kill myself, back at the beginning of august i think?
i said "no dude, wait one month, THEN do it if you still want to."
i planned to jump from the hospital roof
7 floors of a parking garage straight up
and guess what
yesterday i ended up EXACTLY THERE haha talk about irony
but i didnt jump.
not this tiem.
i was there taking my grandfather to the er.
i was too sick and tired to do much then.
maybe next month. maybe sooner.

but i did have a self-abusive meltdown when i got home.
and another major hack attempt when i tried to sleep.
and i didnt sleep well.
and more self-abuse today.

but i was able to throw up, and that got rid of some of the pain
just a little
its hard to do and that makes me sad too
i think i only binge TO purge now
like i want to throw up so badly
i want to empty myself out so badly
that i force myself to eat
crying in pain all the while
just so i will be able to vomit later

oh yes and exercise like a fiend
60 minutes of cardio a day at least
i raelly really hope im burning calories
i havent lost any weight and im getting fatter
im really really scared
i dont want to get bigger
i was so tiny last year
i was 105 pounds
why did it come back im scared
tell it to go away
why cant we be small again
that way its safe
no extra bad space for bad things to hide in
all the space, all the round fat, its the tar
its evil and clogged and it smothers us
why wont it go away
go away


my brothers have both healed from all their problems
COMPLETELY forever i hope
i am so happy for them
intellectually
no emotions of course not allowed to feel those

but im still stuck somehow?
still dysphoria
still bulimic
still selfabusing
still suicidal
but still happy and giddy too??
like i am SO HAPPY
maybe because i threw up
but still
so happy now
all the time really

then boom one day all the bad comes back
does that mean its fake?
for real?

everyone told us we were fake, over and over
and over and over and over
so everyone died
now they really are fake!
since they arent alive anymore

but julie might be?
she was here last night
blond and blue eyed again
"you didnt really think id changed did you"
got really scary
missy and bridget were with her too
threatened to rape us again
got really scared they almost did
BUT
mister sandman showed up and dragged us away
kept us safe during the ngiht too i think
so tahts good


might vomit again later
that makes me happy
empty body
nothing there
no space no substance
i wish i was bones

DID YOU KNOW at the er yesterday
some nurse came in she was SO THIN
i didnt know why i tought she was so beautiful
yes she was super thin and tall
BUT
she was perfect like a shape straight up and down
just lines no curves
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL
she had NO CURVES
oh my gosh i didnt know people could look like that
it was so wonderful
she was so safe she couldnt hurt ANYONE
but it made me sad
and scared
because i didnt think i could want things
ever
but when i saw her and how flat and thin she was
i swear
i would have killed someone in cold blood to look like that.

now i am just a whore fat and selfish
i always look like a slut
round and fat and horrible selfish manipulative
thats what the fat means
"look what a hedonistic b*stard i am"
and
"i will destroy you with this body just look at it"
thats what it means
its not like regular fat people i think theyre safe?
i dunno i have never known any
and our rules do not apply to them
no
THIS sort of fat is from julie it is sluttish
and it means we are whores
and it means she will hurt us
because we are in her terrotory
"you wanted it" she says
is she right?
is she right?


wanna throw up everything
NEVER WANNA EAT AGAIN EVER
food is evil evil evil evil
I HATE WEEKENDS
DID YOU KNOW THEY ALWAYS MAKE US EAT ON WEEKENDS
I HATE THEM
SCREW YOU
they do though
every weekend "you gotta eat"
go to the moms house "eat this"
go to the dads hosue "eat this"
stay home "eat this"
BUT when we do "you eat too much:
"why do you eat"
"stop aeating"
and when we dont "youre too thin"
"you arent getting enough aclories"
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
I NEVER WANT TO EAT AGAIN SCREW YOU
so we throw up so people dont get mad
or hurt or sad or terrified or abused.
the throwing up is so good and helpful.
its like bleeding but it gets other poison out

someoen hid the knives?
someone hid them
knife was mad and scared when he found out
he hasnt been around
he miht be dead
its kind of lonlye
just us sad angry ones left
none of the bleeders
none fo the cutters
they are gone
i hope not forever
i want them to come back and protect us


i amt ieredad fdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd