prismaticbleed | Indefinite hiatus (Reply)

I’ve been debating this for weeks and I’ve made up my mind. Starting today, I will be going on an indefinite hiatus from Tumblr.

This site at large has proven to be very toxic to my psychological, spiritual, & emotional well being. I cannot avoid its effects entirely, as long as I am here. But most notably– despite denying this for at least a year– I have been forced to admit that running this blog is also taking a huge toll on my religious life, despite my best intentions– in my constant striving to publicize all of my inspirations & discoveries in the faith, I am failing to integrate them into my own life. All I think is, “how can I share this?” Or “I MUST share this” and all I’m doing is starving my own soul. I thought I was being selfless, constantly focused on “evangelizing,” forgetting that God wants a PERSONAL relationship with me, too– and ignoring my “self” out of fear was making that impossible. My religion has become performative. I am lacking a personal relationship with God because I am spending all my time just giving Him away. It’s ridiculous and tragic but it’s the truth.

Furthermore, on that same note, I have apparently been completely warping my personality by posting here. In reviewing my interactions on this blog, it is clear that I have unconsciously developed & delivered an entire persona to make myself more “acceptable & appropriate” to the online Christian community. Realizing this has disturbed me greatly. Such dishonesty, even for the sake of harmony, is morally twisted.

I will not delete this blog, though. I have spent several years trying to bring God into a place where I did not see Him and I refuse to erase those efforts. However I now need to bring Him into my personal life, with completely raw honesty and no censorship, and I absolutely cannot do that in a public space, especially not when I am instinctively reshaping all of my words and behaviors to “meet the expectations” I feel externally bound to as a professed Christian. My true soul is being completely buried. I cannot possibly progress in honest faith if I continue to do so.

I apologize profusely if I have offended anyone, but I cannot continue in this manner. If I return, then it must be from a better spiritual foundation. If not, then that choice must be from the same. But I must draw the line at this point. I am so tired of the stress & suffocation I am forcing upon myself just to “be a good Christian online.” But I’m not being myself. I am not letting God get to the real me. I’m pretending to be “perfect & proper,” & as such I am refusing to work on my own faith journey, with my horrible past & tumultuous present & all the “unacceptable” parts I only (used to) tell God. And so right now running this blog is insincere, at that key point.

I thank you all for your amazing help, encouragement, support, & comfort in the many years I have been here. I thank you most of all for your prayers.

God bless you all. May He continue to lead you all to His Kingdom. Have a beautiful & holy Christmas season.

-J