E.D. RECOVERY WORKBOOK: AUTOBIOGRAPHY

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AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Try to identify things in your history that influenced the development of disordered eating.

My memory is pretty shot, and I'm tired of focusing on trauma. The System Archives are autobiography enough.
I want to use this space to jot down HAPPY things, proofs of JOY in life, a life I feel cut off & rejected from. But I STILL EXIST IN TIME & SPACE, AND MY PAST IS REAL-- ALL of it, NOT just the recent trauma!
I have had SO MUCH GOODNESS in life, DESPITE the trauma, and I CAN AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE GOODNESS!!

ACTUAL nice memories I have from childhood:

★ Spinning in circles under the overhead light in mom's room, the light as dim as it would go, pretending (believing) it was a "ritual" to transform into a dragon. I remember the soft blue carpet beneath my feet, and the feeling of solemn faith in my heart. The low ember of a lightbulb, its glow a soft reddish-gold circle, felt like a heart of its own. It was a very intimate thing, that transformative spinning, as a result. I kept my dragon-ness a brightly burning secret within me as I re-entered the daylight, knowing I was "something more" than was apparent. I wondered if anyone else could tell, or know.

★ The scents & visuals of the beautiful, bright flowers at our home forest, around Easter-- grape hyacinths, bluet flowers, violets, dandelions, clovers, buttercups, arbutus, tulips, irises, peonies, white & purple lilacs, forsythia, Easter lilies & hyacinths, and my WISTERIA BUSH, to say the least! Blueberries blossoming on the hill. Wintergreen peeking through the snow. The sticky gorgeous scent of evergreen sap. The smell of the pine needles in winter. The scent of autumn maple & hickory & oak & sassafras. The plush wet texture of thick lichen-studded moss, like a carpet of emerald softness, rolling like mountains over the side yard. The taste of birch bark, given to me by dad. The smell of spring in the air. Eating grass with Viral and thinking it was hilarious. The old roses on the garden gate. The old grapevine on the back hill. The old apple tree I tried to climb, and the endearingly wizened, sour little fruits it produced. The cherry trees, and all their ants. The rose-of-sharon trees in the corners of the yard. Finding wild scallions & eating them gleefully. Picking raspberries from the garden like they were gems. ALL OF DIAMEW.

★ Walks up & down the pipeline, long before any industrialization arrived. I loved the steep climb, the wide flat rocks, the random hidden puddles & ponds higher up, the hidden waterfall off to the right (that I don't think exists anymore). I remember the glorious headrush of ORANGE as we walked it in autumn, finding old train tracks & imagining where they could lead. It always felt, climbing that ascent, like I was deftly & swiftly taking hold of the future itself, a wild & beautiful thing, untameable but fiercely fond of all who came to meet it here, on the rocks & ridges, with a sense of wonder & adventure & hope. I treasured all my scrapes & scratches & bruises. I miss those days.

★ The beautiful smell of Thornhurst trips: woodsmoke, river water, evergreens & shade. I remember roasting marshmallows until they bubbled bronze & brass, enjoying the crisp & chewy bite that guarded such soft warm sweetness. I remember dad grilling burgers as we lit the charcoal and watched it shimmer red. I remember the cool wood of the picnic tables, and the quiet of the trees. I remember Fernsburg, all the foam on the water and its loud white rushing song. I would always try to walk on the rocks peeking above the surface, scared to fall but fiercely joyful to be IN the river regardless. There was a log across it further down but it was too soft to hold weight. I don't know why that river felt so potently magical, or why I felt it was so important to cross. It felt like there was something on the other side, something in the crossing itself-- a rebirth, almost; the start of a new & long-awaited story. I knew that if I made it across, it would be a new world. I would be a new person. And I knew I was expected, awaited with joy, over there.


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some system memories.

♥ After the System massacre in late December '13? Walking around the living room & listening to "Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost, WEEKS later? And suddenly "seeing" Laurie with wings, and KNOWING-- FEELING-- that she was still alive; there was still hope. It was like the world itself came back to life. Everything was suddenly saturated with hope & joy. It truly was a "good day." I felt my heart opening like a flower after a long winter.
♥ Mister Sandman kissing my nose & forehead before we would "go to work" for the night; his aged yet vibrant, gently strong hands cupping my face.
♥ Standing over the oven range in SLC and abruptly dissociating for OVER AN HOUR for Marik's 3rd *incident*; until that day we HADN'T been close, but AFTER we forged such a sincere & strong bond. He was all gold with HOPE, even after succumbing (briefly!) to despair. I'll never forget it.
♥ Chaos 0 sitting with me on the couch in SLC when I assumedly got food poisoning & was so scared, sad, & alone. I wept in his arms, and thanked God for him.
♥ That one horrifically numb-depressed day in ~2015 when "I" was in the kitchen chopping up carrots & feeling miserable hollow; suddenly XENOPHON appeared GHOSTING-- which she had just learned how to do-- and asked if I was okay. I said no, so she tried to cheer me up, by asking that I bring up her favorite song on Spotify-- "Simple Reminder" by Tokimonsta-- and dance with her. Even though I felt so numb, I'd never say no to my baby girl. So there we were, dancing to Tokimonsta in the empty kitchen on a quiet autumn evening, and suddenly I felt real joy. Life was worth living, if only for her.
♥ "Meeting" Scalpel as he sang Everything Everything that one day in CNC I "tried to run away." I remember the metal in his teeth & the rings on his zealous hands.
♥ Christmas Eve's Eve, 2011, with Chaos 0, on the living room couch by the tree. I saw the green of his eyes & felt the ocean of his heart. I was so in love.
♥ That one night after an "avoidance" period when I went upstairs to meet him, and he gave me this look of pure love and heartache that struck my own heart back to light.
♥ The night I tried to kill myself in front of the bathroom mirror and Laurie FIGHTING LIKE HELL to stop me... then me, weeks later, doing the same for her.
♥ The night after a hack when I reached out to Julie and offered her hope with us. I was standing by the bathroom closet. I FELT something change in her heart.
♥ That one morning on the bus on the way to high school when, after an aching discussion, Genesis & I basically made out. It was so sincere & real. I FELT his Gem.
♥ Genesis ghosting alongside me for YEARS. Laughing out loud & elbowing him & asking him to "hold stuff." Him saying he loved me at the Confirmation altar.
♥ That LCCC morning where I think I actually skipped class & stayed in the car, because we went upstairs to FIND LEON, I think? I remember Julie being SO STRONG & COURAGEOUS; her heart really shone through. I remember cathedral arches; I remember how cold it was. I loved them all with my whole heart.
♥ Leon warping us out of Tar ambushes. Leon being a DEAD SHOT against it, even with his hands shaking. The snow-bluebells-myrrh scent of Indigo.
♥ The BLC heartspace exploration events, and ALL the key moments-- the Angel Helmet, the Mirror Oasis Room, fighting the Razor Splinter on the beach, Lynne using her arrows to paralyze the Tar-Celebi, Leon sobbing & wiping blood out of my hair in the white nave of the Cathedral itself.
♥ Those first few MOMENTOUS seconds in SLC when Laurie PUSHED ME OUT OF FRONTING & took over, and looked incredulously at our hands; her vibe like GRAVITY.
♥ Meeting Razor. Meeting Wreckage. Meeting Algorith. Meeting Knife. Meeting Sugar. Meeting Mulberry. In moments of horror, I still treasure them.
♥ Sitting on the bed at COPE in 2017 and the System WAKING BACK UP from dormancy, Laurie immediately putting a victoriously comforting hand on my shoulder. My ENTIRE sense of life & self SHIFTED & FOCUSED and I felt like I could breathe again. I remember us all thinking, "now what?" but we were TOGETHER!
♥ During "THE Lockout," parked in front of the Albright library, and GENESIS unexpectedly ghosting when I got out of the car, deeply worried. Seeing him, I began to feel HOPE.
♥ That one day after Easter when the Coregroup & I went into Saint John's church alone, & kneeling in front of the altar we swore to ALWAYS love & protect each other. I can still feel the cold white marble, & see the sunlight in the dark, & smell the Easter lilies. It was such a significant and beautiful moment.
♥ Laurie straight-up THROWING A CHAIR at Waldorf during a Xanga; Wally laughed SO HARD it was adorable. Chaos 0 came in later and was SO CONFUSED.
♥ The "heater hell" night; going outside & lying on the roof of the car, looking up at the stars in the cold, and Laurie suddenly ghosting to my left. The feeling I got, with her & beneath the sky... it was transcendent. Looking up into space & shivering, my eyes full of tears, I felt both scared & reassured-- there was the big picture, and I was so small! But then, seeing her looking up too, that iron-violet smile crinkling her face... I felt that yes, I still mattered. I was PART of all that, here, with her.
♥ When physical life gets overwhelming & scary & depressing... remember that what you SEE is NOT ALL THERE IS!! The things-- and people-- that TRULY matter can ONLY be seen with the HEART. So GO THERE!! Spend time TOGETHER again, with EVERYONE! Find people! Meet people! Learn things! FIGHT things! Talk for hours! Just LIVE, TOGETHER!! THAT is what will get us through. WE ARE "RECOVERY." Re-read and print out ALL the beautiful moments we wrote down... then go make some new ones!