prismaticbleed | feb 10 2016

some notes.

lately, jayce fronting more often.
spine and lynne acting as core advisors, like laurie
both very good at it actually.
beard overlay is almost instant centering; overrides the bad-girls aura and locks in jayce usually

pinstripe fronting again here and there?? still bad personality. but we're trying to teach him to be nice, to realize that his behavior really isn't kind.

stopped at an indian food store on friday?
jeera goli is awesome
tamarind makes us instantly horribly sick. we forgot. we had it once in 2012 and not only does it cause instant searing stomach pain but then we can't stop throwing up. so we won't do that again, sadly.
in general we love indian food but we can't have butter so that’s a bit of an issue, aha.
even better is the fact that we're not even a fan of cooking. honestly if you have to heat something to eat it we're not really a fan. baking, nope. frying, no way. most everything we eat is raw, and simple to boot.

we're trying to review 2005 in the archives and while this is absolutely where we're being dragged back to with time-locked fronters lately… it feels 100% alien. all of it feels like a totally separate life. and as far as we are concerned, it is.

also we discovered that our two favorite songs ever start in the same key.
and the parts that turn our heart to light are also in the same key.
start in d. shift into g. both of them.
what are the odds.

the universe talks to us so much in that music.
that's what we need to hold the closest to our heart lately. that.

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@ 11:34 PM

things about our past that we need to re-integrate:

set schedule every day that INCLUDES exercise before and after work (even if it's only ten minutes)

a sketchbook. we used to be so good at art. especially with values and textures. get back to playing with pencils again.

a total lack of self-shame when it came to beliefs and personality.

a solid, unashamed religious/spiritual sense, and TOTAL DEDICATION to being a good person, no matter what, at all costs, no exceptions. (we wanted to be a martyr, remember.)

set prayer times-- morning, night, before/after meals, daily rosary and chaplet, etc. schedule makes it work better.

creativity through the roof. we were always thinking up songs and drawing things.

imaginative toys?? remember the comics the last good-jess wrote about furbies, tamagotchis, beanies, etc. she just exploded with ideas about the things she loved. and we STILL have that, it just HAS TO GO THROUGH JEWEL or else it turns to sheer stress. this one is tricky (as it runs the risk of outspacer anchors and therefore increased responsibility) so be extremely prudent with it.

more than one meal a day, at set times, and in set portions. also actually eating what we WANT to, that is safe! no forced garbage!

OUTSIDE TIME. we heal the fastest in the woods and sunshine. get out there dude!!

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@ 11:51 PM

I keep getting pushed way into the past as far as timelines go.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go back to being that age… somewhere between 11 and 17, it seems.
The Jewel that keeps coming out matches the vibe from 2001 and 2002… everything pre-heartspace. She's 100% Dream World and she's also almost entirely disconnected from technology. She spends most of her time outside, alone, alien to the concept of time and family, and her imaginative power is through the roof.
The manic kid that keeps getting triggered at home is solidly 15-16, as she keeps looking for her Zatch Bell VHS tapes and manga of Di Gi Charat, Chrono Crusade (I FORGOT about that), Trigun, and X1999. She's saturated with media, with little life outside of it.
And now, we have this kid from 2007 wanting to front-- at least, we think that's when they're from. The earliest dA days, I guess? But we have NO MEMORY OF DA AT ALL, even if there's still (minimal) physical residue of it (art, printouts of notes, giftart sketches, etc.). What lingers from that time is her demeanor, that sort of "proud drama" that bugs us so much because although it's unappetizing, she never used it for evil. She was a super-vanilla Catholic and was obsessed with "converting the world," she was always biting off more than she could chew as far as art was concerned but she never realized that because she wanted to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. But despite her apparently good heart-- Jennifer's absolute roots-- this 2007 kid did not exist as an isolated individual. Which is typical for that time period. This kid didn't seem capable of quiet time and silence?

But I'm scared. Or, "I'm" scared, because "I" don't exist. I'm just the generic typing voice, the sort of conglomerate attitude that matches those kids more than anyone in headspace, because this is the way we "learned to talk" and so it's how generic data gets presented. There's no "consciousness" here. If there was a conscious individual writing this the vibe and style would be VERY different and you know it. This here is the equivalent of feeding data to an AI and having it phrase it as sentences. It's got a format to follow. That's basically what we're going with here-- learned verbal style.

Anyway.

What we miss the most is the creativity. The ABILITY to fill sketchbooks, and fill them with GOOD art, art that we never hesitated for weeks on, because "it was never good enough" and we were ashamed to try. Nope, even if the anatomy was abysmal, we drew prolifically between 2004-2007 as far as we can tell. And before that it was even better!
We were writing music just as long, but around 2008 we got FL Studio and it just took off from there. How did we do it. How did we DO it. We want to do that again.
…There was a totally different vibe to life back then, a context that allowed us to exist like that? Like, life feels a certain way. Looking back, we barely remember anything of those 4+ years, and most notably, NONE of those sparse memories are at home. It's all smatterings of school, or webpages, and that's it.

…I keep finding more stuff that we lost in the hard drive crash and it's really disheartening. Nauseating, moreso. We tried so hard to "get back into the swing of things" creatively last year, and then… it just all got destroyed.
Is that a subconscious thing? We were just reading about the law of attraction again, and THAT'S another thing we miss… whoever the heck we were in 2011 or so, when life was SHEER MAGIC as far as spirituality goes; we felt so in tune with everything… that's what we remember, at least. That's what counts. What happened? Who were we? What happened?

…I'm excited for Lent.
We're going to STAY TOTALLY OFFLINE except for eBay if possible.
I want these 40 days to be totally dedicated to the Leagueworlds and to getting us in proper working order again, whatever that means. We want to reintegrate our past positive qualities in a less-blind, more-aware context.
I just want to live like we did back then, I guess. Music playing on my headphones, typing and drawing constantly… except we can't, not really, not realistically. We're an ""adult""" now and that means jobs and bills and things. We're just so confused, I mean we can do that stuff but it's tough when you're 100 people.

…Sheppard Pratt still needs to happen, to lock in us again.
That's the big concern, the big fear and the biggest danger sign, about this backtracking as far as mental timelines go. None of these girls even KNOW about headspace. Even worse, even though they're alone, every one of them except Jewel is basically unconscious. They can't BE alone, if you get my drift. Jewel can-- she went running through the woods for a solid hour today in sheer bliss. None of the older girls can do that; when alone, they switch out to let someone else take over, because they cannot exist alone without clogging up all incoming data with blithering media deluges and chatterboxing and other upsetting frustrating mother-habit sludge. No offense but it's toxic.
That's why we're terrified of those girls. Either we're 12, or we're 25. Anything from 2003 to 2008 is basically a nightmare as far as vibes go. 2008-2010 is absolutely missing from memory, except for the University bits. 2011 has some incredibly real pieces, 2012 is all but nonexistent. 2013 is when our timeline starts and we have lots of pieces from then but it's still so distant, because there were so many resets and then there was that massacre and right now we're just… we're still reeling. We haven't been able to pull ourself back together after all that, not really. There's been no downtime, with the physical life situation. Hence why Sheppard Pratt is needed like it or not. (I think we'll like it. We're just worried about 1) will there be safe food and water and 2) are they going to force us to take pills).

…Our new life is so different. When we look at blatant reminders of it… pictures of our System, or of Mr. Sandman, or of Infinitii… well, then the past becomes something completely separate and unrelated to us, something we cannot 'flash back' to because we didn't exist then.

(left unfinished; may continue later once I read it)